You are doing an incredible job Mona. I think that us human creature are having difficulties to see all the good things we do. Step back a minute and look at what you have accomplished today: carried on with your life ( you could be stuck in bed and crying your eyes out), so cooked tea, you engaged with your children. Once our mind focuses on the positives it'll become easier :-)
Long weekend so far. I went out with my friends on Friday. I had fun, and thankfully there is a special dance on Wednesday with a great band. Now I get to see them all twice this week. I really love going out with them.
No word on H. He had not contacted me in a while. I decided to not invite him to thanksgiving. I will cook in the morning, then my children will probably go see my family for the rest of the day. I have no idea if they have plans to see their father and I will not ask. I'm curious as all heck, but I refuse to meddle.
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
I am at a conference out of town overnight. I was looking forward to this for so long. A night away from the nightmare. But the last thing someone suffering from loneliness needs is a night alone.
This is going to be a very long night.
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
Sorry guys, I miss you all! The holiday was busy and sad so I kinda withdrew into my shell.
Hanging on the end of my rope. It is taking everything to keep my PMA above water, but above water it is, and that is all that counts.
I moved into my mother's house. Financially, it was the smartest move. But I forgot what it was like living with a mother.
My mother had 3 children, I am the middle child. I feel my mother has criminal tendencies. Both my older sister and younger sisters and flat out criminals. They are in and out of prison. My younger sister would burglarize the pope and my older sister is a drug addict.
They both had a bunch of kids. No one in my family has a steady job, solid marriage, morals or ethics. My dad was a very nice guy, not a criminal. He was an alcoholic, but a functioning alcoholic, and not mean. He had strict morals, but he only held his expectations to himself, and not the rest of the family.
He passed away about 6 years ago and left me alone with these criminals.
A few years ago, my younger sister walked into my house while we were all out and robbed us. I did not care that she robbed me, but she robbed my children. That was the day me and my H stopped talking to her.
Unfortunately, my children still love her dearly. I will not allow her near me, so they find other ways to see her. She has a ton of children, from different fathers. My children adore their cousins.
So on holidays, I have been splitting time with the kids. They stay with me and my H, and then they go with grandma to the criminal's house.
My H decided to enjoy Thanksgiving this year at my sister's house. So Friday night at 2 AM, i started cooking. I napped and woke up every 2 hours to based the turkey and I cooked all night. I had our Thanksgiving dinner ready by 11. My kids rolled out of bed at 10:30, ate, and then they went with my mom to my sister's house.
They love black friday shopping, I hate it, so they all stayed over night there. So I sat home alone all thanksgiving. It was horrid. I felt hugely betrayed that H went to my sis's house.
I refuse to drive to her house, so my mother asked my H if he could drive his kids home that friday. My H had not seen, called or texted the kids in a while. He saw them briefly on a day he came to do his laundry. But since my mom asked, he said yes.
I had no idea, I was sitting in my living room watching TV and bamb, there is my H standing in front of me. He came in to drop the kids off.
Remember, I believe my mom to be a criminal. So, my H comes in and gets his mail. He notices that his bank statement has been opened...
In front of the kids, in my living room, he accuses me of opening his mail.
I calmly told him I did not touch his mail (because I did not touch his mail).
Later, when the kids were no where near me, I sent him a text. I asked him not to enter my home ever again. I told him I will not be accused of anything he knows I would never, ever do, in my own living room.
He sent a text back, "I will try and stay out of your life. I am sorry if I made you mad."
I sent him a text back "I just want to be crystal clear. Please feel free to contact the children whenever you want. You cannot use me as your excuse for continuing to completely ignore them every day."
He sent a text back "Understood, thank you."
So I dug myself out of that mess of pain and I got hit by another Mac truck.
My S's school called Children and Youth on me! (Children and Youth are the ones who take children away from bad parents...)
I stayed overnight ONE lousy night at that convention for work. The kids were with my mother. And when I say kids, my D is 17, my D is 15 and my S will be 12 in 4 days! Anyway, my S's school told children and youth I left them home for a week, alone with no food.
So yesterday they came to my home to inspect me. I am mortified. They said most likely the case would be thrown out because they saw nothing wrong, but they cannot throw out a case until they go over the details with their supervisor. So I am in limbo now waiting for their verdict.
Oh he|| yes I blame H. So I sent him another text.
Me: Hey, I wanted to thank you.
H: (he immediately replied) For What?
Me:Ya know how I repeatedly told you I was going out of town, and I repeatedly asked you to help with the kids?
Me: Well, since you did not, the school called children and youth on me
Me: Thx
H: I'm sry
H: I don't understand why the school would do that especially when they are staying with your mom.
Other than those 2 conversations, I have complete NC with H.
I am struggling to move forward with my life, but I feel everything I try is turning to mud. I have been going out with friends, and I completely loved going out on Fridays with them. But I really need to stop going out with them.
They are my mother's friends. And she is there every Friday. I have been trying so hard since I moved in to be helpful for my mom. But I heard her the other day on the phone with my younger sis. She was complimenting her and I was truly flabbergasted.
I do not do anything wrong. I have dinner ready for her every night, I do all the cleaning, I have bought all the groceries and moved all her stuff hat she wanted moved. I have bent over backwards, and it is not good enough. My D15 says she cant live here any more because she cant sit still and watch grandma belittle me constantly.
So my mom was on the phone with my sis, who does nothing right and I was wondering why she was getting all of this praise.
Do not get me wrong. I am no child. My self esteem does not hang on my mother's opinion of me. It would be nice, because she is my mom, but her praise is not needed.
But it hit me. OF COURSE my mother can't approve of me! She is a criminal! Every time I follow a rule, especially a rule she does not follow (like do not steal the salt shaker from a restaurant) she might feel bad. She approves of my sis because my sis will not only steal the salt, but the fork and knife as well!
So, as I think is the case for my H, she cant like me. I cant start stealing to make my mom approve of me. I cant make my H feel better by losing my job and spending all my time on the PC.
Which brings me back to my Fridays. I need to find a different activity on Fridays, because she is starting to embarrass me. I do not know if she is doing it on purpose or by accident. But it stinks for 2 reasons. 1. I really enjoy going out with a group of friends and worse 2. I don't know how to find my own group of friends!
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
Have you try to join a meetup group around where you are. I did that and I have started to make my own friends. It's very good. You can join several of them, so you could go out every day :-)
