Pink's journey - living with pain

[JksD]

Hi Pink,
Maybe one way to look at this is to see the decision of dropping the rope as not being etched in stone.

I read on some other blogs that dropping the rope could also mean that your X has just been returned to a pool of potential ppl that you may date. But you are no longer putting your life on hold for him.

I can only imagine how hard it is for you when your X says that he still loves you. My X will not hesitate to say that he doesn't love me, and even then, it is hard to let go because I still see the positive in him, and what I thought were signs that he's trying.

[Pink17]

So I did many rights and many wrongs, here it goes:

What I think I did wrong:
1.the biggest one - end up in bed with my XH.
2. He start talking about R and I talk back.
3. Feel sorry for him and break my own boundaries.
4. I am inconsistent, sometimes I am stronger and I can commit to distance myself from him even when he is at my house, and sometimes I give in and I am all fresh and happy around him.
5. I talk too much with XH and sometimes end up saying too much about my life.
6. He gives me attention, I take it and he makes me see that he is being there for me.
7. He pushes me around, like with his arrangements about the kids and makes his problems my problems.
8. I really don't like when he cries and I feel sorry for him.
9. I did not go to some GAL because XH was around and I decided to stay talking to him.
10. I am not being strong enough to engage in a non contact R with him.
11. I get hurt when he gives the attention and then when I am at his finger tips, he leaves.
12. I noticed that he comes to me very weak but leaves very strong.
13. I fear that if I am hard with him, that he will stop being friendly.
14. I show some insecurities to him and he can see it through me.
15. He knows I have feelings for him just because he knows me very well.
16. I did change a lot, but not enough to make myself proud.
17. I am stock in some funk feeling and I do not know how to get myself out of it.
18. I fear to let go and feel more pain that I have been feeling.
19. I did not get myself organized yet, and this is a killer for me because I can't function well.
20. I am sad with life right now, and I am not moving in any direction to make it better.

What I think I did and I am doing right:
1. I did my whole D and as a result - I have my house, my car paid off, no bills beside the usual utilities, I have my kids, some investment for retirement (not much). A good alimony payment, child support.
2. My kids are doing somewhat well, they are doing great in school, I am helping my middle kid with his college applications.
3. I changed to a full time job and I am very busy every day.
4. I am looking into my options of my own business as a supplemental income.
5. I go out with friends sometimes, have my girlfriends to gossip about XH.
6. I did not put any weight on, keeping myself kind of fit, still go to the gym.
7. Lots of legal paperwork resolved.
8. Packed a lot of XH stuff and put it all in the garage.
9. Normally do not show myself unhappy to XH.
10. I keep myself looking good.

So, because of the above, I did this last thursday and friday.

XH was supposed to have the kids for the Thanksgiving school break and holiday. He texted me with the times he would pick up the boys and drop them off. I responded that his schedule would not work for me and that he needed to have the kids from X day until Y day.

XH texted me back saying that he did not understand what did not work for me because I know he does not have a place for the kids and can't do overnight.

Then he called saying the same thing and asking me why I am doing this. I told him that after over a year, it is really my problem if he can or can't.

He end up coming to my house for the holiday and we had Thanksgiving together.

I kept my cool. Was nice but not too nice. Kept my distance.

Put XH on the cough, did not feel sorry for him.

On the second night, XH came to my room once the kids were sleeping and said that he was just checking if I was OK because I did not say goodnight to him.

Then he start saying that he couldn't sleep because his back and his leg were hurting since he was sleeping in a cough. I said that he could sleep in a bed, that we are adults and I just want to sleep because I was tired.

He start approaching me and I said "stop", I know what is right and what is wrong and this is wrong by me. I told him that I did not want to be with him. That it does not matter to me anymore and that it is more important to respect myself.

In the morning he tried again but I stayed firm in my decision. XH got a little upset I guess, because he start saying things like I was the one that left him and that's why he was in this mess. That he still have feeling for OW.

I just said that I felt sorry that his R is complicated, but I was sure he would find the way to make it work.

Once we went downstairs, we had some arguments. First, because I said that I had enough with his schedule for the kids, that I do not want to work around his traveling schedule any longer. That I had 18 years of it and I had enough.

You won't believe but he said that he is working hard to provide for me and the kids. I just said that he does not provide to me, he pays what the law is demanding from him, that is all.

I also said that I want his stuff out of the house, garage before Christmas. That I want him to decide what he wants to take from the house and be 100% out by the last day of the year.

I said that on Jan 1st I want to start my own life. Then I went further and said that I have decided I want to give myself a chance to start all over again.

That I do not want to be alone, I want someone in my life, I want to go out for dinner, a movie, that I want to love and be loved and I think I can find someone nice to be my crime partner.

I told XH that I understand and respect his decisions and I wish he will be always happy. I told him that I know he is not stupid and that he knew my door was open this whole year but that I decided to let go, that I realized that we are done for life.

I did not get angry, frustrated, unhappy. I did talk to him in a very calm voice, somehow I was very convincing. And then it got harder, XH cried a lot and said that it is being very hard to get away from me. That I think he is very happy and that he just forgot me but it is all the opposite.

I just told him that I was sorry but him, his issues, his life, or whatever related to him is not my problem. That I do not want to know about his life anymore. That it is sad but I need to keep myself real and that he decided to jump out of our M long ago and I just accept it now.

I said to him that I will probably be his friend in the future, but I do not want to be his buddy now, that I need to have him away from me right now.

XH said he needed to leave for about an hour and he would come back. Once he was back, he asked me to talk to him. Then he said that he was sorry he disrespected me like this.

He was crying like there was not tomorrow, and said that I am a fantastic woman, that I am the most beautiful woman he knows, that he is still being a jerk and he regrets so much for all this mess.

And played all his guilt and a lot more.

I just said to him that there was nothing to be sorry for, that I forgave him since long ago when I saw him with another woman, that I am in peace with myself and I understand he needs to follow his new path.

On saturday he came to the house and was extremely nice. He said he will take his stuff out next week. He goes around like he will say at any minute that he wants to be back. But he never says that.

Today, I had a football banquet to attend. XH texted me asking if I had purchase the tickets and I did answer that I purchased to my kid and myself. He then said see you then.

I went, XH was there kind of waiting, I said HI and then walked away to talk with some of the moms. He was all alone, then I got a cup of coffee and a sweet and gave to him, he suddenly got very happy.

I walked away again and went to the auditorium for the awards. XH came in and was looking for me, then he asked if he could sit by me. He was nice, and made sure to keep touching my arm.

As you see, I am taking some decisions and enforcing some boundaries. XH is seeing that things are changing.

But I know what is inside of me and I know the truth, that I am super lost and I do not know how to get myself out of it right now.

Please, you can give me the 2 x 4s or any advice. I came back to the board because it is probably the only place that I can learn enough to get myself strong and health.

Thanks to you all for always help me.
Love,
Pink

[rd500]

Hi Pink. Number 13 says it all You have to let go of the fear It's clear that XH has a hold over you and no matter how much you state your boundaries you let him break them

I'm sorry to be hard but he slept with someone else , divorced you and tells you he has feelings for someone else , come on Pink , would you let anyone treat you this way if he wasn't XH ?

I understand you love him And that's fine but boundaries should be boundaries.

Why would XH change when all he has to do is cry and your there for him.

Even my EXW has slowed down on the crying !!

Your friends on here will stand by your decision whatever you do but we all want you to be happy and your obviously not

You want XH back ( and that's hard as I'm here for you, waiting !! ) so why not try to get him back. That way you can be sure you have tried everything for you and your boys.

Your lost and you need direction how about going back to DBing from the beginning ? Accept your M is over and move forward for Pink and her boys. This does not mean dropping XH but putting him to one side to deal with his own issues. I know you were worried about him hurting himself but that's a choice only he can make.

Pink I've posted on your thread lots of times how I've fallen for you and I mean it. Your fantastic and I can only dream about finding someone half as good as you in really life You deserve so much more than what XH is offering right now

Please respect yourself and your life right now. You may have played a part in the demise of your M but XH choose his path of destruction. You told XH that you want to love and be loved properly and we all deserve that

New day tomorrow and a new Pink. No more lost , choose what you want and whatever that is , it starts with meu anjo respecting herself first. No choices re XH just a decision for Pink to get back to living life for her first and foremost XH is put to one side , boundaries is place and NEVER to be broken until Pink is ready

( if you want to start that journey with a flight to Dublin for a wild weekend with a fellow forum member , then so be it. !! !!! )

Tomorrow belo diabo , a whole new life begins and regular posts so we can encourage and support you along the way

amor e abraços, take care. Rd. ( fellow forum member in Dublin ^^^^^^)

[Pink17]

Hi Lovely,

Such words is what I need. I have been stupid and stubborn for not posting here and getting the help I need to move forward.

You and others are totally right. I have been the definition of a doormat. I have been giving excuses and not letting it go for some reason I don't even know well.

And yes, there is a huge turmoil inside of me. A battle of many different feelings and I am letting these feelings to rule my every day.

TBH, I am not sure I am ready to let go on my M, but I need to find the balance inside of me to do the take care after my own self first. I am not a person only a fool would leave.

It may seen like that from the outside, but I can't lie to myself and I am a mess emotionally.

I will post every day if possible, it helps me to take this agony out of my chest and gives me some brighter path to look at myself from outside, if you understand.

About us? Well, it is another mess. You are in Ireland and I am in USA, we have a million kids that we are still finishing the job, you are married and can get divorced only after 5 years. Wow, we know how to complicate things.

I started in the right path over Thanksgiving and I am getting to the conclusion that I need to live my life without worrying if XH is there or not, will be back or not. I feel that this is consuming my energy and I do not feel good about it all.

I will try my best and start learning to get my life back in track for real. I am also tired of myself suffering for someone that does not respect me or love me.

RD, all what I have to say is that I am very thankful you are there to help me. It means the world for me and you may never know how valuable it is for me. It has been hard but I will take one step at a time and conquer my emotional freedom.

I also hope that things are better for you, that your kids are well and life is happening.

So, am I your "anjo" or your "belo diabo"? If you say both, you know me better then I tough.

Hugs and kisses for you and the kiddos.
Pink

Love as always from afar. I think about you often, maybe that is the only thing between me and the precipice.

[Sotto]

Hi Pink, firstly I do think you are a little hard on yourself and you should recognise and applaud just how far you have come. The list of things you have done well is just as long, if not longer, than the areas you'd like to improve.

I agree with RD - the big thing for me is that your H is telling you - I want to share your bed AND I still have feelings for OW. That for me is a huge boundary issue - though I respect your choices. But do you really want H around 'as a family member' and acting like a spouse when OW is still on the scene in some way, shape or form.

I agree with RD that you (and we all) deserve more, given what has happened. What is more? It is giving up OW, maturely realising it was a bad choice, ending that R and volunteering what is needed to repair things in your M.

What is happening falls way short of that and is cake eating - seeking the reassurance you are loved and valued while maintaining that illicit relationship.

For me, I think you would be wise to withdraw for a while. Tell H that Xmas can't be like Thanksgiving. That he doesn't get to have 'family time' AND keep things on the go with OW. It's an either/or.

I appreciate it is tough, but from the outside that looks like what's happening to me. You are still on the rollercoaster and getting tired of the ride I think.

Take care and keep posting my friend xx

[PigPen]

Hi Pink,

Welcome back. It sounds like you've been on a crazy ride since you posted last. Rd and Sotto have nailed it here, but I'd also like to add that I empathize with how complicated this all is.

These situations are excruciatingly complicated. EXCRUTIATINGLY complicated. They make no sense and we have no frame work to compare them too. The feelings we want most come back to us and then turn in an instant. Years of our lives have been dedicated to one person and we couple that with all of the emotional turmoil of life post BD and it's too much for one person to comprehend. Thus we have to come to places like this and seek outside perspective.

From an outside perspective I can see exactly how things unfolded for you and can see myself following the identical pattern. Even on this board we see signs that 99% of the world would look at as negative, and they're viewed as positive here. People get all the way to the courthouse door and then turn around. Divorces happen and then only because the divorce happened are they able to reconcile. It's all complicated as hell.

You have so much support on this board, so please keep posting. It definitely sounds like your XH has you going on a trip that you can step away from for your own sanity though.

My thoughts are with you,

PP

[Pink17]

You just gotta love this lady. You are so smart Sotto, you are indeed wise beyond your years.

Sotto, when you write, you put it so organized that it seems so much easier to deal with and it makes a lot more sense too.

I would love to be a tiny bit like you, I am sure I would have taking the steps to make my life better by now.

Well, I agree with Sotto (I am part of the fan club for ages). And that is why I think it was my first victory (to myself) that over the Thanksgiving break I said no to him, I did not fall for it and he react pretty poor to it.

He told me that during his trip to France last September, that he broke up with OW. His mom and his brother from France confirmed that. I can't say I am 100% sure or not, that trust was broken and I do not believe everything he says.

I know he did not understand well when I said no to him, he is very stuck on the issue that I rejected him first.

I do not get all this, really, I do not get why he is doing all this and you are also right to say that I am tired of it all, it is just too much and very disgusting.

I chose me...my kids... And some good news too. No XMas drama. I just booked a resort in San Antonio, Tx for the week of XMas. We are doing a road trip and then spending a week there. I am very excited about it.

I will also write about some simple but good stuff too. It is not all dark in my days, I have some sunshine and rainbows too.

I love you so much Sotto, you are so good to me, I really would like to be your sister for real.

Pink

[Pink17]

Grlonfr - thanks for the support - Yes, I agree that it would be a good choice for just now. Let go of the old and ugly and if there is any chance, then it will be anew.

I really need to put it all to rest for my own good. I noticed that it is very hard to function with the ghost of my X inside my thoughts.

I believe that I am being my worse enemy because I am choosing to hold on to what is not there anymore.

Yes, it is very hard to hear him saying how much he still loves me, that he is starting to realize how much of a jerk he was to me during our M. But the truth is that if he is considering all what he is saying, then his attitude would be a lot different towards our R.

Instead, I am getting to the conclusion that he really believes that if he recognize his mistakes and faults, that he will feel better about himself and will be easier to move on.

At the end, he is still the taker, very selfish jerk, and I am still the giver, very stupid indeed.

PP - your words hold a lot of truth. I feel totally lost when it come to understand what is going on in XH's mind. I still don't get when someone moved on, does not want the R and is still around like a killer bee.

It is confusing and painful. XH is always trying to impress me, make a point that he is changing, showing me that he can be a much better husband. He goes far as to call my attention on how much he can be there for me, that he cares and wants to be present. Is he that sick? Does MLC does this things to people?

I have my doubts on the whole MLC issue, sometimes I think he just calculate everything. And then other times, I think that he lost his mind. The fact that he thinks we are not done because we are still talking is crazy, and I can't rap my head around it.

I need distance, I feel better when he is out of the picture, I feel myself and like it. Once he is back in the picture, I start feeling sad, frustrated, unhappy, insecure.

I guess he needs to go for good. I gave my first baby step, and I hope I will keep on the right track this time. I know how painful is on the other side of the it, so why to put myself there again?

I won't stop posting this time. I tough I was ready to tackle it all by myself, but realized that I am too vulnerable and weak. I will get all the help I need to get myself out of this roller coaster for good.

Thanks again, I do not have enough words to thank everyone that so gently give me so many good advices and care about me.

Pink

[Rouky]

I have been reading your posts. I'm not a vet so I'm not sure that I have much to offer other than that I'm happy that you are taking the first small steps to put yourself first. I know it's a long road and I think we all are more or less holding on the memories of S before they were abducted. I believe that once we can see them for who they are at the moment, and we would realise that we wouldn't put up with this in normal time.

[Pink17]

Thanks for the kind post Rouky. Well, I made a ton of mistakes and they sure weighted more then a ton on me.

But now I can't change all the stupid I did and I came to this crossroads where I need to decide if I continue in the same path and feel miserable every day, or I choose to enjoy life a little more and think about me and my kids.

It seem so simple to say it, I really believed that I would be a pro by now, just helping others to DB like a champ. Oh mine, what happen? I found out that this whole detachment is worse then eat a very spice pepper.

Yeah, at least now I can help others telling them what does not work if you want to DB and detach.

My first goal: Start reducing my mental time that I have been wasting on my XH.

Results: today I consciously stop thinking about XH. He sent me some schedule for the kids during 12/15 and 1/16 - I was angry to see so much non sense and I was angry and upset with his stupid jan schedule. I stopped myself and tough that I was just wasting my time, that if something is not what I want or need then I will communicate it to him, period.

So, I avoided to think of him, and about him too much today.
Well, I know it sounds stupid, but it is a start and I need to start somewhere to let this all go.

Thanks again for helping.
Pink