M, I am Catholic although I have been attending a bible based church lately that I absolutely love. It seems like half the people I meet there are recovering Catholics. My H is Jewish, but was never raised with religion, so Jewish in name only. The religion issue for my MIL is more that I have beliefs rather than what they are. She and FIL are pretty anti-religion.
Also, the more I learn about you the more we have in common and you remind me of my H before he went crazy on me. He builds the most beautiful things, refinishes furniture, always working on something. I have been asking for Adirondack chairs for years now but still haven't gotten them. Have you seen the web site by a woman named Ana White? Just google her name, she has plans for just about any furniture project you can imagine, and people submit pics of their finished projects and she posts them, it is really a great place for ideas.
Oh! Some good (?) news in my world. Last night H approached me and asked if I wanted to talk. I said "I don't know if that's a good idea." (that's a first for me.) I went upstairs. He followed me and said "Do you want me to leave you alone? " So I said "No, I like the company." So then he said "Do you think we can talk without you freaking out on me?" (Ummm, great approach H.) So I said "Sure."
He said.....wait for it.......he said "I think you are not remembering correctly all the things I said to you a few months ago when I was breaking down. I know I said a lot of terrible things, but they weren't directed at you."
I said "You said you'd rather be dead than married to me for one more day."
He said "I think you are remembering wrong, or else maybe I chose the wrong words. I don't remember my words, but I remember feeling desperate and that everything in my life was not working, and I was breaking down. I never meant that I would rather be dead than married to you and I really think you are remembering that wrong."
I wanted to say "What about "I hate you and you destroyed my life and my mother's life and our daughter's life?" But I didn't. I said "OK, I remember things differently but emotions were running high and I know you were feeling desperate and hurt. I am glad you shared this with me, thank you for telling me."
And he just kind of nodded and then asked if he could leave the light on so he could read or if I wanted him to read in the other room so I could sleep. I said , leave the light on, I like you being near me while I sleep. And then I pulled the blankets over my head and went to sleep.
WTF????? That's good right? And I think my detachment is kicking in because if this was just a month or two ago I would have been all over that, but now I am more like ....ok.....could be good.....probably a good sign......go to sleep.
Hi Pho, I do think that's a positive thing - that he sought you out to have this convo, and that the aim was to try and put the record a little straighter.
Wow, the stuff he said before though...that must have been very tough to hear. But it is common for MLCers to lash out at their spouse in that way and also not recall things they did and said. Of course, for the LBS, these things burn like a laser and we can recall them!
I think you had some good responses - like the calm 'sure' and the 'Ok, I remember differently...'
It's good that you guys were able to revisit some of the more hurtful stuff and for the convo to stay on track as it did - credit to you my friend.
It makes me feel pretty lucky that my H hasn't directed much anger at me. Interesting also what your H said about feeling desperate and everything in life not working and breaking down. That really echoes some of the MLC stuff I've read.
Anyway, good for you xx
Last edited by Sotto; 11/30/1504:50 PM.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
And the best part? I was more interested in responding to "small talk" with Mutatio than posting this, came on here to check in and almost forgot to post it. That's detachment! It feels good!
And another thing that clicked in my head (yes I am a slow learner.) In life there are going to be times where the people around me could completely go "crazy" and break down on me and I can not EVER again be in the position where this leaves me devastated for this long again. I have children counting on me. I can not "lose it." I didn't "lose it" this time, I functioned and took my kids to school and appointments and fed them, and went through the motions, but boy did it suck, and I was really not nearly as emotionally available as I needed to be. I can NEVER let anyone have that much power over me again. Never. Because who knows what people will do. Even if H "recovers" or if I remarry the strongest man in the world, I now have the knowledge that it can all shatter at a moment's notice and as long as I have these children I do not have the option of being devastated by someone else's [censored]. I know I can (and will) love and trust again, and even depend on someone again to a point, but always in the back of my mind I know that I can only count on myself from now on. Always.
I am feeling a peaceful sense of detachment today.
I don't know how I achieved it. Things are going in some ways better with H and in some ways worse, so I can't attribute it to the state of the relationship. I don't know what it is, I think I just worked my way up to it. I feel content in my own skin, in my own mixed up unsure life, I am ok in the midst of this.
Family counseling tomorrow morning. I was going to cancel but didn't because I didn't find an alternate counselor and felt like I needed at least a plan before canceling. Especially because the family counselor is part of the IC and psychiatrist- all in the same office and trying to coordinate treatment for D. I think D is going to blow up on us tomorrow morning and this is going to be a big mistake. She is furious with H right now and wants me to leave him. I told her to talk to him directly if she has a problem with him, come to me if she needs help addressing an issue, but I do not want her opinion on my marriage. I think what she overheard at the IL's house has sparked this.
I want everyone out of my marriage except me and H. I don't want to hear my daughter's opinion, my MIL's, my FIL's, my BIL's, I just want my marriage for once in my life to be between me and H.
Good work Pho! The skill now will be between you and therapist that H doesn't scapegoat D for this.
But I believe you presented this as best anyone could. You are letting husband know exactly where your allegiances lie. The notion of a united front and you guys as a team dealing with problems are exactly the seeds you a rightly planting. The huge bonus too, you actually got to be completely authentic about how you feel. You honored yourself and H. You should be mighty proud!!
