Your mother in laws world is not a world I would chose to live in. I would eliminate her from my life. Good riddance to bad rubbish. If she wants to see the kids let her son bring them over. I know that's burning a bridge by who cares. It will force your husband to have to chose between his wife and his mommy.
If he chooses mommy you will know what you should do in respect to your marriage. If your husband chooses you then you have a true sense of his commitment and work from there. Either way you slap down that rabid dog of a MIL and show her who's boss. She seems to be an cancer in your marriage and life. Cut her out and then radiate your marriage. You may not save the marriage but can save yourself.
I am calling it as I see it. If other people here say it's bad advice that's okay and listen to them. I'm just not felling the compassion for Satan right now. That's all I have to say, there is no more.
Thank you Ancaire, Mutatio, Max. I am having a very hard day. Fighting with H. Not a good thing, DB wise or else wise. He is claiming that 10 years ago during a fight I told him not to call his family of origin his "family" and that was reserved for me and the kids, and that he has stopped using that term for his FOO and it is dysfunctional, and it really "messed him up" and caused him pain and resentment for me all these years. I do not remember this conversation at all. Not even as a vague memory. I told him that it sounds to me like we were probably having a nasty fight, and if I said that it was taken out of context, or I was really upset about something, but that doesn't sound like me and I have no recollection of it. I asked him if in the future I say something that causes him so much pain or confusion to please discuss it with me later when emotions are calm, or make a counseling appointment for us so we can talk with a 3rd party. I said I would never want him to carry around pain from a comment I made and I want a plan to make sure that moving forward pain doesn't fester like that.
I truly do not remember anything even remotely like that, but he says it was 10 years ago, so maybe?
He did say that "there is some love there" and that is why he is still here, so that was good news. But he has so much pain from the past and I never cared about it. I told him that I did care, I do care, but maybe I was young and caught up with other things and with "being right" and being overly emotional and my concern for him was not my priority and I regret that now. I told him I would never be perfect and there has to be at some point a choice to focus on the future and on rebuilding and not on past hurts, most of which the other person doesn't even remember. And I reiterated that I do care about his feelings, and I am truly sorry and I get that I didn't in the past, and I said I suffered a lot over this realization and beat myself up about it, it was a hard realization for me. I added that I am done beating myself up over it. Done. I am not going backwards with him. I do care and I can listen now.
All of this started in the car when we were still over an hour away from home and my friend texted me to say she was going to taker her dog for a walk and did I want to join her. I said "not home yet, if you go again later maybe." H asked who texted, I said it was my friend , she wanted to see if I could walk with her. He said "are you going to?" And I said "No! We are not even in (our state) yet, I don't think I can make it!, maybe if she wants to go again later" And he got angry and said I shot down his small talk. OK, I probably could have phrased it better, but it wasn't in the tone of "you are an idiot" it was in the tone of "she's going now."
So now I am wondering what other crazy statements I have possibly made over the years that messed with H's mind. I am sure I said loads of stupid things in the course of arguments, or he imagined I did, and he is carrying this stuff around for years? Actually now that I am thinking about it, when MC asked us last week what we were doing for Thanksgiving, H said "going to NY" and I said "To see H's family." I am pretty sure I said that???? Maybe I said his parents, I don't know, to me the word family was never an issue and I didn't realize he was avoiding its use. Actually, I am pretty sure he has been using the word all along, but maybe not? Maybe he's been saying parents, brother, etc.
Since then, H has come up to our room 2x to bring up other issues, something about the dog, something about an interaction with D. We handled those issues quickly logically and non emotionally.
So this is what I am wondering. Is our communication improving, and this just [censored] because we are terrible at it, but this is our baseline and can move up from there? Or is this just it, and it [censored]. Also, I took an anxiety pill after the first fight and that helped a huge amount with the successive talks.
I am trying to "reframe" the IL's as "H's elderly parents because they are in their 70's now and if I met them now I would excuse a lot of dysfunction due to "old age" but I have known them since their mid-40's and they were worse then, so its hard for me to forget. But if I can start over as though I am meeting them at this point in my life, keep a healthy distance, let h do his thing and kind of phase myself out of it as I have been doing, but maybe a little more so. If they can drop the talking about me, I think this can work.
And also, I am still fully aware that I am on the hook still and having to explain myself for making a comment I don't remember 10 years ago, while he is still scott free and above taking comments about the actual affair he had this year, and the bashing of me to his parents, and months of raging drunken spew.
I hate this. I really hate this. I cannot wait until he leaves for his job. I know I can be pleasant and breezy on phone calls, and if does visit once a month I can be friendly and maybe the break will be a "break" from our old ways of interacting and we can establish new ones. Maybe living together and having to be "on guard" 24/7 is what is holding us back. (among other things, but I will be positive.)
I have a lot going on in my mind right now that I want to ask advice on, but I will hold off until the time comes. Things like how to handle when the IL's want to visit the kids while H is away. How to deal with H when he comes home to visit. How to deal with no sex. Should I even be having sex at all with him since he doesn't kiss me during it and then I feel used, but the dilemma is that I have a very high sex drive so its not easy to go without.
How to not get too excited and hopeful that h said "there is some love there."
And, on top of this all, I visited an old friend yesterday. She knows the situation, but I haven't talked to her in months. She asked if H was still talking to the lesbian. The lesbian? Where did she get that? She calls the ow the lesbian? I asked her why and she said "just a feeling, I think she is." OK, that came out of left field but strangely makes me feel so much better. Wouldn't that be the ultimate irony if H was falling in love with someone who really did think they were just friends? No wonder why it didn't turn physical, if she is a lesbian! LOL! I will never know. It doesn't matter. But in a weird way it made me feel so much better. It would be just like my H to miss the signs. My friend has a lot of lesbian friends, she said something about ow just struck her as being one. IDK, she is probably just trying to make me feel better.
Sorry, getting sidetracked. I have no one else to "talk" to about these things. You are all my bff's.
OK, apparently everyone is out shopping or sleeping off Thanksgiving, or GAL so I will be my own advice giver.
I need to reign in the emotion, go back to non-reacting which I have been doing well with except for a couple of slip ups.
Practice patience and kindness with H. Keep a pleasant tone and attitude.
Carefully consider what I actually want and bring it up in MC when I figure out how to phrase it, and it has to be something that will help me move forward and not be a rehash of an old problem.
GAL is exhausting me right now, so I need to tone it back and work on simpler ways to GAL that build my energy rather than sap it.
H is leaving soon, so things will take their own course pretty soon anyway. No need to rush into anything, just focus on now.
As far as things to bring up in MC, we have about 2 more sessions before H leaves. I want him to leave on a positive note. I want him to feel validated and I also want to feel validated. The issue I think I need to address right now is that when he brings up a concern he brings it up in a way that makes me feel berated. I need to find a way to express that in a non-confrontative and honest way. I will not focus on my hurt, on my loneliness, on "I want to fix this marriage"- I will express concerns about the way he communicates. I need to find a healthy way to express this as a boundary and not an accusation.
Also he called me "mom" twice this weekend and this isn't the first time this has happened but I am staying away from that one with a 1000 foot pole.
I am welcoming the separation. Actually welcoming it.
Also, since I am journaling here, I noticed something interesting this weekend. FIL hugged me about 3 or 4 times, which is a lot for him, and they were big strong bear hugs, also unusual for him. He also started calling me "honey." And, he bought all the beverages for the party. This was the first year he bought my favorite, (a type of soda I am addicted to) and he made sure to tell me he bought them for me, and sent a case home with me. He was also the one who noticed that I had a terrible uncontrollable tremor in my arms and hands, and "checked" on me a few times, offering me a drink and asking me to sit down and showing concern.
And, finally, bedtime on Thanksgiving. H and I were on the sofa bed, my s's were next to us on another sofa. S12 came over and hugged us, climbed in between and gave us a hug. I said "Happy Thanksgiving, S, I am so thankful for YOU." He said "I am thankful for my family."
I think if I can maintain my emotions, set healthy boundaries so I can move myself out of this awful limbo, things can turn around. At the very least, I think when H comes back from his trip I will be ready to file if he isn't ready to reconcile. I really believe I have done 90% of what I can do for the marriage, just tune up my DB a little and then focus on myself full steam ahead and let life unfold. If I can put in the effort on myself that I have on the R I will be in great shape.
I'm here. I was looking at places out west where I could live. I am not feeling confident this marriage. I'll keep trying but she seems to be drifting farther and farther away. It's her life and her choice.
Your idea to make the best of it till he leaves is the right play. Then you will have to do some soul searching.I'll keep an eye one the thread if you need someone to bounce things off of.
You are living what I lived before husband moved out. I was trying so hard. I was letting him treat me pretty bad. I was afraid to complain or voice my needs for about 6 months. He was pretty rude and selfish and inconsiderate and filled with anger towards me. I keep thinking about it now that I have a bit of my "power" back. He is walking on egg shells around me because he does not want me go through court. I don't feel good about it, but letting go has helped me mentally (not completely detached because there still is a bit of hope that he will change. But a part of me does not even necessarily want to go back to him)
for the first time ever he wants to talk, which I delayed. He also gave me a check for child support the other day. (He would have e eventually had to give me it anyway so it's not an olive branch to me...would have been one if he gave me for the months that are not retroactive )
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
I really think you will be relieved. It was great for me to not be around that negativity. He was right. Nothing changed for me. My son's and I developed a stronger bond because I had less tension once I accepted he was gone. I wasn't worried anymore because I knew it could not get too much worse, only better when he has to pay. So horrible how unequal he was with all the finances. We really did not work as family unit.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
Thank you Mutatio. For so long I wanted the silence to end and now that he is speaking up the things he is saying just are so hurtful. It's like he is describing a different relationship, a different person than me. I don't recall this incident, it just doesn't sound right. What else is in his head? And at the same time his behavior is improving, so it leaves me to wonder if this is his process of working things out and there is hope? Maybe by talking about these awful things he will find some resolution and healing and we can move forward? Because right now when I hear these things it just makes me want to vomit and wonder WTF? I want to be hooked up to a lie detector test to prove that I didn't say this, but that isn't going to happen.
A friend of mine went through this and she said it took 2 years before she felt "safe" that her H was back. She said just when things seemed better he'd start spewing and sleeping in the basement again. Maybe this separation is what could save us, because I believe I'd break down during those 6 months if I had to listen to this during that time frame.
It also makes me tempted to create some off the wall things that he said just to see how he likes it. I can say "remember that time you said you only wanted me to hop? well that messed up my knees and now I can't bike any more." I mean it feels like that level of crazyness to me. Maybe I did say it, I can see maybe a context where he was saying "My family this" "My family that" and maybe just maybe I said "We are your family too". That I could see saying. I think he twisted it. But I can't even say that because I don't remember it at all.
And he says he altered his speech about his family and has not called them his family for 10 years after this and this is an example of how controlling I am?
I can just imagine what kinds of things he is telling his IC, no wonder why he came to the conclusion that I am emotionally abusive and borderline personality. And what about the things I actually really said? All of the ILY's and How are you, can I get you something, would you like a massage, are you ok?, all of those 1 million caring loving statements are not remembered and given no weight at all?
OMG, what has he been telling his parents and friends that I said? Everyone probably thinks I am insane.
Over the years I have written him a lot of letters, I know he kept them, maybe one day he will read them and get a different perspective on our life. I can't even suggest it. It would probably be what he does the day I walk away and then it will be too late. He can start over with someone else and think things are awesome until his memory starts playing games with her too.
Could this all be spew from the EA? Could an EA create this much confusion and guilt and rewriting of history? He claims it was just Jan-May but I know they were in contact through August. I am thinking the original round of spew from Feb- May was associated with the EA but could this be stemming from that still? I think this goes much deeper than that.
He leaves in about 6 weeks. I can hang on for 6 more weeks. And then just let events unfold as they will.
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