Can't stop singing this verse, from an Eminem and Rhianna song....
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn But that's alright because I like the way it hurts Just gonna stand there and hear me cry But that's alright because I love the way you lie I love the way you lie
I'm singing it loudly and frequently, H is so far in his own world he doesn't even notice, makes the song so much more meaningful. I have entered into the "I am messing with him" phase of my recovery. Also I am not hitting the notes right so its not sounding so great, but hey, I'm on a journey.
Me53 H48 M 13 No children together BDMay '15 PA June '15 H moves out,files 8/15 wants "quick divorce" but does nothing Me sending proposal 12/15, court dates upcoming
Catching up on your sitch. While views about each other change, and often abruptly, I think your big insight a few pages back that you (& I'd make that a plural to include your kids) might be better off without your H. Maybe that is what it will take to get him to deal w/ his issues - I suspect he will still blame others for his unhappiness, but it will be harder to do & maybe (just maybe) he might face reality.
I know that your D will likely be relieved to have more space from H. Your S is the one who concerns me, as his obsession w/ his business is troubling. I suspect that if he were a client, I would be seeing a lot of compensating for the absence of your H in his life, and a repeat of the generational dynamic. I worry about his heading in a direction that makes him struggle to form healthy relationships as an adult. I know you have him in IC, but if they aren't exploring this angle, it is worth bringing up with IC (I wouldn't mention it to your S - or your H, as it will likely not help). Your S is clearly resourceful & has talents, and is trying to fill his life with meaning. You and IC might be able to help him channel those strengths into a more healthy path that will keep him from the future duplication of your H, which you noticed - I think rightly.
I also worry that you are still letting H call the shots in the R, and are not yet really putting yourself at the center of your consideration. If I haven't recommended it already, I really think that Bepko & Kresten's Too Good for Her Own Good will really speak to you in an eye-opening way. It may not help your M, but I think it will help you and future Rs, and give you insights into what needs to change if you have a hope for a healthy M with your H.
I don't mean to be a downer on this day of giving thanks. You're an incredibly strong, caring, decent person, who is single-handedly holding your family together. Your kids will thank you, and I think they'll wish you had taken your needs more into consideration than you tend to. You are the strength of your family, and that is a very difficult role to play, and you do it very well. I see all that, and I see someone who also may put herself last in her thinking too often, and who will be able to sustain herself and her kids most by showing herself a bit more importance and self-care.
Much respect and best wishes to you and all you do on this Thanksgiving.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Thank you Asitis. I just ordered the book. I am feeling so extremely emotional today. I am here with the IL's, they are treating me well, but why did it have to come to this?
I am concerned about my son. He has very good social skills and makes friends easily, and is very affectionate and open with me, so that is a good start.
I had a tremor in my arms and hands all day, could barely hold a drink. (drinking water!)
My jaw hurts all the time lately, I am afraid that I am going to break my teeth.
I feel like my body is giving out. I am crashing. I often feel both extremely strong and extremely "done" at the same time, if that makes sense. Not weak, but done.
Getting past this day will be a relief for me, and then I will re-evaluate.
As, when you say you fear I am letting H call all the shots. Yes, he is. But what do I do about it? What shots can I call? I feel immobilized, like anything I say is going to be seen as an ultimatum or will be "proof" that I am controlling. I don't know what to do.
Last night I felt detached for several hours, it was such a good feeling, almost euphoric, almost like being on a high. I need to get that back.
And on top of all of this, out of the blue I am experiencing a deep mourning for my grandfather, he died 12 years ago, he was so important to me and so loved, and I think going to visit my grandmother triggered this in me today, but I just keep tearing up and wanting my papa. I feel like I am almost as upset today missing him as I was when he actually passed, it is just hitting me so hard.
Sorry for the rambling, I am so emotional today. I feel so much loss. I am going to miss H's aunt and one of his cousin's in particular. And I can't even say goodbye as that would be melodramatic and its not like we are even separated, but I can see the writing on the wall. I can't do this anymore.
Thank you Asitis. I just ordered the book. I am feeling so extremely emotional today. I am here with the IL's, they are treating me well, but why did it have to come to this?
I am concerned about my son. He has very good social skills and makes friends easily, and is very affectionate and open with me, so that is a good start.
I had a tremor in my arms and hands all day, could barely hold a drink. (drinking water!)
My jaw hurts all the time lately, I am afraid that I am going to break my teeth.
I feel like my body is giving out. I am crashing. I often feel both extremely strong and extremely "done" at the same time, if that makes sense. Not weak, but done.
Getting past this day will be a relief for me, and then I will re-evaluate.
As, when you say you fear I am letting H call all the shots. Yes, he is. But what do I do about it? What shots can I call? I feel immobilized, like anything I say is going to be seen as an ultimatum or will be "proof" that I am controlling. I don't know what to do.
Last night I felt detached for several hours, it was such a good feeling, almost euphoric, almost like being on a high. I need to get that back.
And on top of all of this, out of the blue I am experiencing a deep mourning for my grandfather, he died 12 years ago, he was so important to me and so loved, and I think going to visit my grandmother triggered this in me today, but I just keep tearing up and wanting my papa. I feel like I am almost as upset today missing him as I was when he actually passed, it is just hitting me so hard.
Sorry for the rambling, I am so emotional today. I feel so much loss. I am going to miss H's aunt and one of his cousin's in particular. And I can't even say goodbye as that would be melodramatic and its not like we are even separated, but I can see the writing on the wall. I can't do this anymore.
You can do it as long as you want. However, you are better off without him right now - my blunt assessment from afar, so take it for what it is worth at that distance. It may be time for you to initiate some further space between you and your H. He is draining you, and drawing your focus away from you and your kids much more than seems healthy or sustainable. Just my two cents.
Maybe stop trying to save your M,and start trying to save yourself and you kids? It may just be the best thing to save your M. You tolerate a great deal of abuse by your H for the sake of your M. You kids are not doing well, you are not doing well, and - not that this is a priority- neither is your H. He has a lot of his own narcissistic tendencies to deal with. He may, or may not be able to attend to those. I don't see what you are doing getting him to deal with this, or to move towards reconciliation on terms that would be healthy.
Maybe dumping the a$$, and let him decide whether he wants to get his life in order to fix that. It won't necessarily draw him & the children together or apart, but it stands a better chance than the status quo.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
You can do it as long as you want. However, you are better off without him right now - my blunt assessment from afar, so take it for what it is worth at that distance. It may be time for you to initiate some further space between you and your H. He is draining you, and drawing your focus away from you and your kids much more than seems healthy or sustainable. Just my two cents.
Maybe stop trying to save your M,and start trying to save yourself and you kids? It may just be the best thing to save your M. You tolerate a great deal of abuse by your H for the sake of your M. You kids are not doing well, you are not doing well, and - not that this is a priority- neither is your H. He has a lot of his own narcissistic tendencies to deal with. He may, or may not be able to attend to those. I don't see what you are doing getting him to deal with this, or to move towards reconciliation on terms that would be healthy.
Maybe dumping the a$$, and let him decide whether he wants to get his life in order to fix that. It won't necessarily draw him & the children together or apart, but it stands a better chance than the status quo.
Agreed with everything 100%
Pho, your body is giving you clear signals. It's too much. You've got to reign if in before you shut down. If you break down, then what? What happens to your kids? What happens to you.
Imo, you're sending a message to your husband that gives him a hall pass to treat you like [censored]. That you will take all of the abuse. Absorb it. Become the scapegoat while he melts down, encourages his family to berate you, and blames his daughter and in turn you, for issues that he himself is not accepting. And you're just standing there, taking it, sending a message that, "hey, it's ok that you melt down, are unstable and are generally acting like a self absorbed ass - we're married. For better or for worse will come at my expense. Continue on - I'll stand here and be steadfast while you essentially act like a petulant child."
Yeah, hell no.
Pho, you're paralyzed. You're full of fear. You've lost your voice. It appears that you feel that standing for yourself is not as important as standing for your marriage. A marriage is (Imo) two healthy people working together towards a common goal. He's not healthy. You aren't either (and that's not to be rude, but it's an observation. You're going down - and fast, sweetie). You're clinging to the shards of your broken marriage looking to put it back together, cutting yourself in the process.
You can't force him to be healthy. You can't force him to be the partner that you need. You can't force anything, and why would you want to? You should desire a partner who wants to be there. Who is going to work through it, who wants to be healthy. And I'm not seeing it from him. I see a man who is ill, who is lost and not present and has no desire to do so.
He's not afraid to lose you - because he's already gone. Send him on his way. Seriously, you can still love him from a far, but I have to wonder that if you jerk that rug of safety out from under him - what will he choose? Enabling him to wander around and not present isn't doing either one of you favors. It's allowing him to make a choice, by not making a choice. And you're better than that, you deserve better than that.
Stop giving him all the power. Stand up tall, enforce some boundaries and take back your life.
M:32,H 32 T:10, M5 BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15 Served D Papers: 10/15 Divorced: 11/15
Calibri - I needed to hear those words too. I was paralyzed with fear too until I realized it was at my expense.
Pho - I too lost my voice in my marriage. I see it now and I am getting it back. I was scared to lose what I thought was real, I was willing to put up with anything. I know how you feel. Please don't lose yourself at the expense of this broken man. Your children will be great because they will have a strong role model for them.
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
Oh, I almost forgot! I think I mentioned a couple of weeks ago that I picked up on the undercurrents of problems between SIL and the IL's. Well SIL and her children didn't come yesterday, they visited SIL's relatives instead. So BIL came alone.
Back in July when I was here I noticed that all of the pics with me in them were taken down. Yesterday I noticed that my pics are still down, but also now there are no pics of SIL and her children. So what used to be a huge picture collage including everyone, is now a few pics of the IL's with their sons and the biological grandchildren. SIL, her kids, and I have been erased! Even group shots that include me or SIL are gone.
Pho...I almost cannot believe the level of childishness you're describing...taking down pictures?!? That is one of the most passive aggressive attacks I've ever heard of. Good grief! Did you check under your bed to make sure there wasn't a doll,representing you, with pins in it?
H and his family sound like a hot mess. Nothing like an entire group of people who refuse to grow up. You poor woman!
Give your kids an extra hug on my behalf today. Give yourself one, too!
