Pho, I am rolling at your description of your son's "company." Needed that laugh today!
Competent role models are very hard to find. I do hope that your H steps up to the plate in that department. While there are others who can, but not in kids' eyes...
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he would not get our D, they do not want anything to do with each other)
If you don't mind me asking, why is this? How old is she compared to ya'lls sons? I just find that troubling for some reason. Sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable with that. Just wondered why. And you may be right, the upcoming TAD may be a blessing. I certainly hope so.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Pho, I am rolling at your description of your son's "company." Needed that laugh today!
Competent role models are very hard to find. I do hope that your H steps up to the plate in that department. While there are others who can, but not in kids' eyes...
Quote:
he would not get our D, they do not want anything to do with each other)
If you don't mind me asking, why is this? How old is she compared to ya'lls sons? I just find that troubling for some reason. Sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable with that. Just wondered why. And you may be right, the upcoming TAD may be a blessing. I certainly hope so.
Spiff, if you saw my S in action you'd really laugh. He will come home every day with updates "X quit, I have to hire a new marketing manager, I need to have A and B over today to work out some programming issues. " And this is all made up! He does have a web page but that is it! I think they are supposed to be making video games or movies, it keeps changing. At one point he had 25 employees, kids were showing up at my door to apply for positions, or discuss "business." It is really funny.
About my d. She is 14. This is a complicated situation. She has always been a tough kid, always hard on H. She has ocd and sensory issues, his face, his voice, his mannerisms set her off. She rages at him, and is really really nasty. She does this to me too, but 100% to him. She hit rock bottom last year, around this time, that is when H hit rock bottom too. He said he was moving out because of her. She was becoming physically abusive. He couldn't take it. In Jan/Feb of last year they were both threatening suicide, both completely went over the edge at the same time. (This was when H called his parents for help and they told him it was all my fault, and he decided to believe them. Downhill from there.) Anyway, D is doing much much better now, last spring she was in a hospitalization program for 3 months, they helped her so much, she is back in school, she is functioning, she is sleeping (she had major sleeping issues her whole life) she is eating, no more self mutilation, no more screaming fits (although that started a little this week), she had been passing out and having trouble with her heart rate, all of that is controlled now. Except she is still really angry all the time with H and he with her. They both have a similar personality in that they both LOVE to argue and have to be right at all times. He views it as a discipline issue, I view it as both a discipline and a health issue. Her will is so strong, I don't really know what to do with her, and tbh I am a little alarmed at being alone with her while H is away. It is exhausting keeping up with her, so many appointments and also she is so smart and constantly argues and negotiates every thing.
Pre-BD H kept saying he was leaving because he couldn't live with D, but then when he talked to his parents, he said "They have opened my eyes, it is not her that is the problem, it is 100% you, you have caused this in her. " And of course his gf agreed.
I told you it was complicated! I am 100% sure that her issues are what caused him to break down. Complete rejection by his own daughter coupled with her escalating and then some outside influence that encouraged him to just blame me.
Thank you for sharing that about your daughter. I know its tough, but if anyone can handle you can! Sorry that they have such a complicated relationship, and to have the ILs doing their thing on top of it all, good grief! I get that ILs only know one side (or only care about one side), but dang I wish they would open their eyes. But oh well, only so much we can do, eh?
I hope and pray that things can be evened out between your H and daughter. You will be just fine with her while he is away. Continue giving her the love and support only a mother can give. You will be fine!
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Thanks Spiff. Honestly, I think my D and my MIL have some issues in common, both have ocd traits and try to control those around them to manage their own stress. Both very self-centered and unable to empathize with others, its all about them and what they need in any particular moment. Truth is fluid, changes to meet their need at the moment. Both extremely controlling and emotional. I definitely think there is a genetic component.
Good grief, Pho. That sounds just like my SIL. She is so self-centered that it isn't even funny. Did I mention that she is manipulative? And lets not even forget emotional.
I believe fully that she is the driving force behind my W's decision to divorce. Especially considering that when the SIL started going through her marriage troubles (roughly two months before the W's BD) that my W said "I don't care how bad things get between us, we will never divorce." Then came the many, many phone calls/texts/messages. Remember what they went through together... One of the most damning messages came between the two when the W said "I never knew I was so sad." Oh well.
Last edited by Spiff69; 11/24/1508:22 PM.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Spiff, my H said "I never realized how this was all YOU until my parents opened my eyes, the dam has broken now and they HATE you and I HATE you." That was after talking to his mother. Google narcissistic personality and tell me if you think that is SIL.
Damn Pho, I am not sure I could recover from a statement like that. But my W said something close to that early after BD - treated me like total shite...but you know something? I still want her. How silly is that?
I looked up narcissistic personality and decided to paste the definition:
"Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for admiration and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of ultraconfidence lies a fragile self-esteem that's vulnerable to the slightest criticism.
A narcissistic personality disorder causes problems in many areas of life, such as relationships, work, school or financial affairs. You may be generally unhappy and disappointed when you're not given the special favors or admiration you believe you deserve. Others may not enjoy being around you, and you may find your relationships unfulfilling."
Pho, so much of that describes my SIL. That first paragraph so fits her to a T. She can't handle criticism and goes off the deep end at what she perceives to be even the smallest slight. More problems in the areas listed than you can shake a stick at. Feels she deserves everything. And this is the person "living it up" after her D issues and constantly telling my W that the grass is greener. Ugh.
Little story to give a perfect example - on S6's first birthday, we drove all the way down to where the W's family lived. The SIL sort of "arranged" a bday party for him. My W asked me to extend the olive branch (we had been on the outs for several months - and I saw some of the NASTY messages she would send to the W about me...). So I did. I swallowed my pride for my W and said thank you for setting this up...you did a wonderful job. Know what she did? Looked me in the eye for a minute and turned around and walked away without saying a word. W just stood there apologizing for her. That was when I was done with her. I extended the olive branch and she just stomped on it. The W never wanted to see why our problems existed and how the SIL acted.
Also, my W went to see her and her family a couple of months ago and to go to a concert the SIL wanted her to go to (the grass is greener...). During the concert the W texted me a few times and then I got one of the nastiest texts from the SIL telling me not to "bother" my W and that she was having a good time. WTF.
And this person is coming up for Thanksgiving.
Last edited by Spiff69; 11/25/1501:11 PM.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Spiff, yes, sounds like my MIL. I read a book years ago called "children of the self absorbed" and it fit my H perfectly. I don't remember specifics, but it fit.
And now you have me thinking based on your thread. About the cycle of being abused/escaping. A big lightbulb went off in my head while reading your thread.
Over the years H and I always fought about the IL's. Because I felt that they were abusive, and he would not stand up to them. For me or himself. So finally, maybe 3 years ago, I was at women's group meeting and a speaker was talking about marriage, not even anything to do with these specific issues, but I decided that I needed to make changes for H. I stopped getting into it with his parents. I cut the complaining by at least 50%, I started "letting things go." When BD hit and H turned to his parents and they unleashed hell onto me, I was blindsided because I thought things had improved.
But now I am thinking, I was right. Things had improved. We weren't arguing anymore. To the point where H couldn't take it and turned to his parents to get that adrenaline rush of "fight". He will deny it. Maybe I am wrong. He will say that our constant fighting is what drove him away. But we had stopped fighting! And since BD I have not said one word about his parents, not one! And has that calmed him down? No, that has driven him closer to them, along with all the Pho-bashing that entails. He claims he wants peace, but he is seeking the drama. Actively seeking it out and fueling it. I am hoping that this is a process and he will "see it" and heal from it and actually choose the peaceful option (me!) or at least disengage from the fight and make peace on both ends. If the IL's can let go. They might, if they realize the consequence could be losing their son. I did somewhat, on my own, and then I did 100%, when I realized that was the consequence. But H is still holding onto the fight.
And now that it has been going on for this long and starting to become very obvious that I am not going to engage in it, he is leaving. Because he can't get the fight from me, so he is escaping. He will deny this and say the opposite. Maybe my theory is not exact, but I think there is some truth here, I need to think on it and explore some more.
I am so glad that my post was able to help you. I wish that I had come across that information a long time ago, before it was too late. The question now, is how do I proceed with her?
I am coming up with a last shot talk before she leaves but not quite sure. Given how her past is affecting things, I just don't know. I don't know anymore. Maybe she is done. Maybe she doesn't know. My head hurts.
Hope you get it figured out! Because my different journey is just starting... We can do this - we need a new plan!
Last edited by Spiff69; 11/25/1508:58 PM.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Spiff, I think you just need to keep DB'ing. Regardless of "why" our spouses are acting the way they are, or if it is actually in our best interests to remain married to them, right now we ARE married, we do love them, and we are not ready to file for D.
The decision most likely won't be ours anyway, so I think we DB for our own integrity, sanity, etc, and in the event that our screwed up spouses decide to reinvest in the marriage then we are armed with the knowledge and insight we need to decide if and how to proceed. In the meantime, we focus on our own selves, let the spouses do their thing, let it all play out.
