less confused newbie 8

[tl2]

Hey dday,

My take is a little harder but most of that is based on my experience with my W and being almost finished with the paperwork process myself.

I think women in general are so much better at reading people and getting to know what makes them tick. And our wives know us well after many years and kids together. They play us like fiddles and do what they need to do to get what they want. If there are EA/PAs in the mix, that only increases the degree to which they're behaving with dishonesty, manipulation, abuse, and entitlement.

Your W is not acting with the best interests of you and the family at heart. Never forget that. That doesn't mean you should mistreat her. It means you should be firm on what's best for you and the kids and not allow yourself to be mistreated because you want to keep the door open.

I think you've accepted the fact that you need to drop the rope. I'm a little concerned by some of what you said after that (maybe she'll be back some day, I miss what we had, etc.). Certainly nothing wrong with missing the good ol days...but whatever you had is also what got you to where you are now. Meaning, there was more going on with your wife that wasn't good and that you might not have known about. That's also part of what you had.

In self-defense classes I've been in, one of the points always made is that defending yourself is a challenge because the bad guy already knows what's going down and when whereas you generally do not, and you're already at a disadvantage. While everyone's sitch is different, most WAS's, and especially most wives, check out long before they act. Just like with situational awareness in self-defense, there is usually a signal or two...usually very subtle, sometimes not...we just tend to be distracted or we don't want to assume the worst and be criticized for it.

My take would be to leave the gate open but walk in the opposite direction--your own direction--away from your wife. She's gone but you own your future free and clear. Easier said than done I know because that's what I'm doing and it's not easy, but it is good.

So when you're dealing with settlement agreements, don't give away the farm. Some compromise may be necessary. But her life problems are now hers to solve and she's leaving you in a bind by her choice.

I only say those things because I don't want you to regret being too much of a 'nice guy' later on. Dealing with paperwork actually helped me finally and fully detach because legal docs are forever, pretty much. No time for fog and feelings there, bro!

[dday]

Thanks guys.

Az, my comment about not liking who W is now, is helping me to accept this. The girl I married never would have behaved this way.

Fogg, you may be right. I have been wondering how much W is manipulating me now.

Spiff, pot stirrers, definately present here. I will always be connected to her, that's true. But, I am going as dark as possible now, for my own sanity as well as any chance for a future r.

I wish I didn't still want a r with her. This would be so much easier.

[dday]

Tl2, you are correct that the ball is in her court. I have been mislead, if not outright lied to. W is oblivious to what our kids are going through too. In looking at the paperwork, I am losing my respect for this "new" W. STBX, I suppose.

I am only asking for half. Whatever that ends up being. She wants everything, it seems. I don't know who this person is anymore.

[Dawgs]

DDay,

Same here, brother. The ball is always in their court. Nothing we can do about it on that end. Misleading, lying, twisting, whatever. It's all they know how to do to justify destroying a family in the name of justification of their actions.

Its enough to make one crazy.

[tl2]

Same here, brothers.

My W has revealed by what she says that she devalues the family and has projected her negative feelings onto the kids who definitely do not see things her way.

In the past I struggled to understand whether the "new" W is the real W finally revealed, the facade removed, or if she has truly, if temporarily, changed in a way.

Prob a little of both.

[Dawgs]

Hi tl2!

My W does the same in her words, too. She is so convinced that the kids will be OK and not even suffer in the slightest. Makes me so angry.

In the past I struggled to understand whether the "new" W is the real W finally revealed, the facade removed, or if she has truly, if temporarily, changed in a way.

Prob a little of both.

I would tend to agree that it may be a little of both. They aren't and never will be the same one we married. They - just like us - change and grow (in any direction, not just good) over time. I would doubt that your W has been covering up that facade for so long because there would be slips along the way. I think its part temporary that comes from the justification stuff of theirs.

[dday]

I don't know what triggered this, but I am sitting outside at work, crying. I haven't done this in months. I wish like hell that I could stop all this. The same thing s4 wished. "Daddy just stop this and come home". But I can't.

I have went through anger and grief this morning. And wondering what really went wrong. I know it won't help, but it's where my head is. And the one person who has always been there for me is the one who is causing it.

This is so hard

[Dawgs]

DDay, hang in there. One foot in front of the other. And be the best Dad you can possibly be.

I have gone through a lifetime's share of anger and grief. And wondering, too, because there was no real and legit reason why she wants divorce. I just chalk it up to her past issues - and pressure from outside source(s).

Move over. I am the same boat with you.

[mutatio]

"Sometimes suffering the losses and the unexpected betrayals and break-ups that befall each of us becomes the places where we grow deepest in our capacity to lead an authentic and free life. Often by working our way through our difficulties, our ability to love and feel compassion for ourselves and others deepens, along with the wisdom that will help us through similar problems in the future. And learning how to survive our present difficulties is one of the few things that will help us to know the right things to say and do when others whom we love suffer as well."

“A Lamp in the Darkness: Illuminating the Path Through Difficult Times“ by Jack Kornfield

[Sotto]

That's a lovely quote Mutatio. Let the grief out Dday. It's completely understandable and natural. Things are tough right now, but they will improve in time I promise.

Take care x