Back on these forums again 3

[Gmum]

Smart text, explains your lack of reply and validates him all the same.
I really do think you intimidate him, you're a lot to live up to. Plus you're like a DB God, haha.

[Mona52]

I hope he is not intimidated Gmum. I never asked him once to live up to me. I made my life as it is out of necessity that he forced on me. He always stood by my side as I accomplished what I did. When he started working less and less hours, I never asked him to find a new job. Instead I found a new way to bring more income into the house. I had to, or the bills would not have been paid. I never flaunted the money or made him feel like I was the bread winner so I was in charge.

When he went out and bought a $300.00 watch, yet his paycheck was $120, I was angry, but my anger lasted barely an hour. When he kept bringing our bank account negative, i had to separate and create my own account, but again, if I didnt, the bills would not have been paid. But I never made him ask me for money. I had it set up that hundreds from every check went into his account.

There were 2 areas where he really disappointed me, and I did let him know and begged him to stop. The first was playing video games until 5 or 6 am every night. Especially since he crossed a line with OW by sending and receiving pictures and texts. I hated laying in bed alone every night. He was right down stairs, but I felt so lonely.

The other thing was his lies and not keeping his promises. He was constantly promising he would do this, or that, and then he never attempted to do it. Or he would lie about the stupidest thing for no reason. It was constant. After a while, it felt like nothing he said to me was true and I did not matter at all to him.

I think if I intimidated him, maybe he would have tried to make it work.

I feel 100% retched that he has to figure out how to pay the bills all by himself. When things got tight, I had to be so creative to figure out a way to stay afloat. He never had to do that before. I dont know how he will do it. I really think he will get evicted from his apartment. I did the math, and he does not earn enough to live where he moved. Period. He is spending more than he is bringing in.

There is a real chance he will hate and blame me once he gets evicted. That scares the heck out of me. But I cant think about that. He has not been evicted, so there is no use worrying. If he does get evicted, it is not my fault. He is a grown man who wants nothing to do with me. He made these choices, not me.

If he blames me and hates me, that is 100% out of my control.

If I intimidate him now, that is also out of my control. I need to GAL to forget the pain. I cant just roll over and not live so he does not feel small. Also, from the first round of DB'ing, the GAL thing kinda became a habit and I am not sure I even know how to stop.

[Mona52]

I had a bad night that led to a terrible morning.

I could not sleep at all last night. I kept tossing and turning, and every one of you know how annoying it is. I worried about everything you could possibly imagine, repeatedly.

Yes, I worried about my H, but it was more than that, and it was a clear message about what I need to do for my GAL activities to make me feel better.

The first thing I was tossing and turning over was the house. We moved, and are living with my mom, but I am still paying rent on that empty house. Because it is not yet empty! We still have so much stuff in there. It is killing me that I just cant turn in the keys yet.

I tried to get my mattress downstairs to get rid of it, and it got stuck in the stairwell because the stairs turn. Me and the kids pushed, pulled and even stood on top and jumped on it, but it just wont come down.

Then I tried again to get the sofa out to throw away. It flat out will not fit. Period. I dont know how to get them out!

I cant ask for help yet because the house is in such terrible shape I am embarrassed to ask anyone to come over and help me. For me to get to the point where I can get help, I need to finish moving all the stuff out of the house. But it is just me. The kids barely help. It is a lot to have to move a whole house alone. So I am worried I will have to pay another month's rent. That would be fine, but next month is Christmas.

It still might be fine, because for the first time in my life, I shopped early. I used lay away and I already have a load of presents half paid off. Good good.

So my main activity to keep me busy and help me move forward as a person is to get rid of that house. While I am doing this, I have to try and release all the resentment I feel because I have to to this all by myself.

The next thing I was tossing and turning all night about was money. I am just so upset because he FINALLY has a full time job. FINALLY, after all the years I had to struggle, we would be stress free financially. And he screwed it all up, and there is nothing I can do about it.

Once I get rid of the house, I will feel better financially. So I just need to get rid of the house.

The other thing that kept me up is how starved I am for physical contact. There is nothing I can do about that one.

Lastly, I had a parent-teacher conference set for this morning, so that had me nervous.

I went into the school today and it was HORRID!. My S will be 12 in a few days. They are worried because he talks about sexual things too much. Now, remember, he goes to a catholic school. I got him a phone this month. He followed some girls in instagram that wore bikini's. So the school called me in because they said there was porn on his phone.

How the heck I am going to get a 12 year old boy to not talk about girls is beyond me. But he is also changing and it has all been in the last 2 months. He has been falling asleep in class. and when they ask him about it he makes up stories. He said his grandma told him to do his homework at 2:00am so he was up all night. That MIGHT have been partly believable but he has missed 10 homework assignments in the last month and a half. So there is no way he is staying up all night doing homework.

I need my son to get his act together. NOW. They want him to see a counselor. Great, so he can go and complain about his mother all day, lol. I will sign him up for one and find the money to pay them, but I need faster results. They will kick him out in a heartbeat and then he will be stuck in a public school.

I almost texted jerkface when I left the school to help me with the boy. But he cant even help himself right now so I cant rely on him to help with S.

I just need to roll up my sleeves and get on his back harder about his schoolwork. The thought of me adding more stress to this poor boy kills me, but it will be less stressful if I force him to do his work than if they school expels him.

Yes... I see the similarity between my H and my S. I never nagged my H about not doing what he needed to. I found a different way of getting it done. I dont nag my S. But it is past time to lay down the law.

The weird part is my girls are flourishing. My D15 who has always been a below average student in grade school is now taking honors courses. She did this on her own. I did not even nudge her to do it. My D17 is a fine student and I never have to tell them how to complete their work.

If I were to try and tell the girls how to do their work, they would probably fail. How weird is that?

My S is actually smarter that the girls. He has a brilliant math mind, so of course he is failing math.

Oh well. I will sit and have a heart to heart with S today and see if I cant get a baby step from him. I will have to just treat him like a baby as long as he continues to act like a baby.

[PigPen]

Wow Mona, that's a lot to balance at one time! No wonder you can't sleep. Your brain is too busy running around spinning all of the plates in your life. You're doing the work of three people - as an exhausted one person team. Must be equally frustrating and exhausting.

Your S may be taking this harder as he is the youngest, and he's now faced with being the man of the house. Your D's still have their female role model around, your S sees your H not there and is acting out it looks like. That being said, at 12 I had one thing on my mind at all times and my parents were still together. Show me a 12 year old boy that's not interested in girls in bikinis. In this day and age, that's tame!

Maybe he needs a bit of tough love, but also some understanding. Have that heart to heart with him? May work better than trying to force him to push through whatever feelings are driving the lack of work, and his staying up late. I imagine this is all very challenging for him, especially at that age. Failing math is the sure sign that he either doesn't care right now (which is fine, most of us sucked at school for a few years and still thrived), or is trying to let you know that he's in pain.

Truly, you're a rock star dealing with everything you are. I got overwhelmed just reading about all of the tasks that you're responsible for, by yourself no less. You'll get through them though, I have complete faith that you're going check each item off one by one and keep moving forward. Heck, you created life on three separate occasions, moving a house won't get the best of you.

Sorry jerk face still hasn't realized what kind of woman he's walking away from.

Big hug,

PP

[Gmum]

I didn't mean to imply it was your fault or responsibility, just that I can somewhat relate to the feeling. I never felt like I could live up to my husband, so I barely even tried and it's not that he ever put any expectations on me. I just felt like he set the bar high. Same with you going from stay at home mom to Dr Mona.

Your S sounds like a normal healthy 12 year old boy.

Hope you get some sleep tonight.

[mutatio]

Hi Mona, I was wondering how your doing. Just a thought, maybe you could sit with him when he does his homework. Spend time with him then. He may have poor executive skills (school work management skills). My son did/does and we sat in the same room with him to keep him on task. In hindsight it was a nice to spend the time and get to know him better. Now he gets it done but without us.

[Mona52]

I didn't mean to imply it was your fault or responsibility, just that I can somewhat relate to the feeling.

Your post was awesome Gmum, it was precisely what I needed to hear! I never got the feeling you were pointing a finger at me Thank you so much.

PP thank you for letting me know he is a normal boy. I cant find it in myself to agree with the school on this one. I dont think there is a power on the earth that will stop my son from looking at girls. Yes, I can make it harder by not allowing him access to inappropriate pictures, and I can easily control his computer usage. That just leaves the rest of the world where he can see women.

I agree 100% with the school that he MUST complete his homework. And he needs to correct his sleeping habits.

For the last 2 nights I have made sure he was not just in bed, but asleep at an extremely early hour. That is the best I can do.

Mutatio, I try and sit with him when he does his homework, but physically, it is just not possible. I get off work and home around 5:00 pm and I have three children. Dinner takes about an hour to two hours to cook and eat. By the time it is cleaned up it is near 7. They have approximately 3 to 5 hours of homework a night. If I sat with each kid, we would be up until 4am, lol.

They cannot do their homework in the same room, they would never get any work done. Plus they have activities and they need time to relax/play. What I usually do is have him do it while I am cooking, so he has until I get dinner done to get his questions in. During that time he is distracted by having to use the boy's room, or playing with the dog or telling me about his day or fighting with his sister... the list goes on and on. He is on his own for the rest of it.

So I sat down and had a serious heart to heart with my angel yesterday. It felt like he understood the seriousness of the sit. He did all of his homework, called a friend's mother to confirm he had all the work and happily went to bed and fell asleep at a decent hour.

I think with some gentle nagging and me reminding him constantly of the consequences, he can make this a habit. I still got a call from the principal this morning. Apparently another kid from the school told the principal my S walked to school this morn. So they called saying what a huge safety concern this was.

FIRST off, we live about 7 blocks from the school now! Yeah, it is a real safety hazard making a kid walk 7 blocks. Seriously... SECOND, The kid lied, I drove my S to school.

But I was very sweet to the principal and made it sound absurd that she could even imagine I would have my poor S walk to school.

It seems the school is extra watchful when it comes to my S all of a sudden. I have to stay on my toes and give them no reason to kick him out. This too shall pass.

[Mona52]

Well Gmum, I am not going to lie, your post gave me pause to think. I cant say I know what way to turn right now.

It was not just your post, but a few things happened yesterday that created this perfect storm that sent me into a tailspin, and I have not pulled out yet.

I held the belief that my lifestyle is my life style. It is me, who I am, and who I cant not be.

I went to IC yesterday morning, and she gave me some compliments that made me feel retched. I mentioned that i quit smoking after 31 years and she gushed on about it. She asked me what I was doing to distract myself from my pain and I let her know a few things, and she complimented me each time, amazing, wonderful, blah blah blah.

Each compliment I got felt like a knife. Then I went to lunch with a group of friends and they know if some projects I did at work that went so well. More @#$^&^* compliments. Then I read the posts here and it is just bad. Then I saw some old friends and they see how far I have come in the last 10 years... more compliments.

I can see so many good things. And that is not enough to keep a husband. I just feel I will never, ever be good enough to keep a H all of a sudden. Like, how can I do more? I cant. If what I am now is not good enough, I will never be.

Then I started thinking about intimidating. Should I do less? Every time I ask that question I start to cry. I so badly do not want to do less. I am crying right now because it feels like if I want a R, I cant show in any way that I am better at anything. like on the playground in school, I have to let them win. A H wants to feel like the winner. I WANT a H who feels like a winner, I really really do.

I got an opportunity yesterday to study at a very prestigious college. I could never in a billion years afford this college but my tuition would have been paid. I saw the email and was horrified. I deleted the email and blocked the sender. I cried while I did it, but it took me less than 2 seconds to decide there is no way in hades I can do it. I cant hide that. I can hide alot of what I am doing. But I cannot hide that.

But I feel such a huge sense of loss. I am not sure how to act now. I feel scared to even open my mouth. I mean, I feel actual fear, like if I say something they will give me a compliment.

I said the word empathy yesterday with my mom and her friend. My mom's friend had to Google the stupid word. My mom told me I should try and use smaller words around her friends because they are not as smart as that.

What??? Since when is empathy a big word? I dont go around sprouting big words to make people feel stupid. But now I really just dont want to even speak.

I went to all of the threads here, but I cant post on any of them. I can honestly say, I have never felt so bad about myself in my whole life. I feel like some kind of freak, and it feels so real. Like if I go outside people will just know I am a freak.

[Gmum]

Mona, PROMISE me you'll NEVER hold yourself back or dumb yourself down. EVER.
I'm so sorry if anything I said sent you into this tailspin.
You holding yourself back won't fix other people's self worth, that has to come from within, not a damn thing you can do about it.

You're a force to be reckoned with, I think there are big plans in store for you.

Why did you delete the email? Good thing you work with IT, so it won't be hard to get back.

Any man would be lucky to have you. If they can't handle being with someone smarter than themselves, they're not really worth it anyways.

[Mona52]

Thanks Gmum, really it was not something you said. It is a bunch of things. It is just not adding up in my head. Your words sound good because they are just. But I think the fact is we still live in a world that is male dominated and I dont know how to compete with that.

If I have a choice, a million times over I would rather be happily married than successful. I would give everything up to be able to say I Love You.

It will just be a 180 I try out and experiment with. This is not about my H at all, so I wont try it out on him. Well, I will if he reaches out to me. But I am happier with NC with him for now so I will just let him twist and turn in the wind for now.

Tonight is Friday so i am going out with friends. I am going to keep my mouth shut and when I do speak, I will keep it at three letter words as much as possible. Under no circumstances will I use the word empathy for goodness sake.