Man was that a tough lesson to learn. I kept putting my hand on the hot stove. Over and over and . . .
Right there with you, 2point0. That one took me a long time to learn and I burnt my hand too many times before I learned to pull it back!
At the height of it all I had so much stuff that I screenshot and saved I could have used it to wreck her career, even though it was an EA and if I was of the vindictive sort. I kept it all hidden because, in my mind, if she got crazy with the kids or something I would use it as a bargaining chip. And before anyone asks, even though what I found was just an EA, the info I had was enough to totally wreck her. Totally. But I realized something along the way, what good was it all? Why keep it? I realized that by keeping it, I was holding on to that anger and it was not allowing me to move past it. I have forgiven her for that - both to her face and in my heart. And, just as importantly, I have forgiven myself for my behavior. That one was tough.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
I did the same thing Spiff. 100% PA with photos and comments to boot. It hurts and I try to avoid it as much as I do the plague. Sometimes curiosity gets the better of me like it did earlier this week. The pain is never worth it.
I am in a forgiving mood today. A conversation I had recently left me thinking more about my actions and faults in my M. I feel giving in and giving up is the likely next step. That may change tomorrow so for now I will do nothing.
I am going to be quite honest. There are still some of the more damning things that I have hidden away and really don't know why I haven't gotten rid of everything. Someone once told me that by keeping that kind of stuff is setting up the marriage to fail if she does decide to come back - as in the trust still hasn't returned. Made sense to me. But, I don't know why I still have it. I don't want to go the bargaining chip way and I guess I held onto to it for so long because part of me tells me that she may really get nasty if she does go ahead with the divorce.
Guess that is no reason, eh? I would never hurt my W in any form and I realize that keeping that stuff - if she ever found it - would be the undoing. I haven't looked at it in months, and honestly forgot about it.
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I am in a forgiving mood today. A conversation I had recently left me thinking more about my actions and faults in my M. I feel giving in and giving up is the likely next step. That may change tomorrow so for now I will do nothing.
I forgave my W months ago - but she thinks there are trust issues between us. I don't know how to get past that, any advice? Everyday I feel like giving up, but I think of my family - and my W - and how much I love them. And I continue to put one foot in front of the other and go another day. What other choice is there?
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
I wish I had some good advice. I have read a lot here and have followed several threads but I am not a vet by any means. You are hundreds of posts ahead of me already!
We say actions speak louder than words. I would wager that acting as if applies here. This sounds like something your W will have to figure out.
If there was some advice I would confidently give it would be what you have already said: put one foot in front of the other. Oh and do not look at that stuff!
You all have inspired me to throw away the receipts I have hidden away of H and OW's dinners and drinks and lunches. I have a ripped up credit card statement that H threw away and I fished out of the garbage (along with the pics of me and him that he ripped to shreds.) As of today they are all gone. What good will they do me? I don't look at them, and I'd have to tape them back together to read them, but why am I holding on to this stuff? These are from February. Maybe throwing them out will release some kind of energy or karma for me. A step in the right direction.
Another thing I have learned! That you become like the people you spend time with.
For so many waywards, they were spending time with friends going through a D at the time they "lost it." For me, if I wasn't on here with my DB friends, continually challenging me to do the right thing, the calm thing, the non-reactive thing, I probably would be divorced by now. You all are a good influence! I will make sure that I choose my company wisely in the future. I will pay attention to the company those close to me keep- not in a controlling way (well maybe a bit controlling with my kids) but in an aware way, so that I am not blindsided again. My eyes are wide open now.
Another thing I have learned! That you become like the people you spend time with.
Such a true statement! On so many levels, my W and I are so much alike. Someone brought that to her attention the other day and she didn't say anything. Oh well!
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For so many waywards, they were spending time with friends going through a D at the time they "lost it." For me, if I wasn't on here with my DB friends, continually challenging me to do the right thing, the calm thing, the non-reactive thing, I probably would be divorced by now. You all are a good influence! I will make sure that I choose my company wisely in the future. I will pay attention to the company those close to me keep- not in a controlling way (well maybe a bit controlling with my kids) but in an aware way, so that I am not blindsided again. My eyes are wide open now.
I really wish I had listened when I was on here at the beginning. I naively thought (or was maybe scared) that advice from so many on here would hurt things, especially considering my W's past and mental state. One thing I learned about being aware so you won't be blindsided is to not make that a priority - in other words, don't allow those walls to be erected. We live -and love - the best when those walls are down. Believe me, I learned the hard way. As with you, my eyes are wide open to. Hyper aware, you know?
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Spiff, I wish I was on here in the beginning too. I trusted the advice here when I found this board, because I was already 4 months into it and wasn't getting help anywhere else. My eyes are wide open now in the sense that lets say H and I reconcile, and a few years from now suddenly H's brother or good friend is calling him every day for support with his divorce. I will not naively assume that this will not affect H. Not that I could or would tell H who to talk to, but I would be aware he might need a counterbalance to this, such as setting up double dates with another couple, or going on a trip, or going in for a MC session. Same as if your friends are all into exercising and eating well, you are more likely to get fit. If your friends are gossipy, you are more likely to gossip. I think we absorb more from other people than we realize.
Mid-Atlantic, eh? Spent the last duty station in MD. W is going to FL so you can figure out we are pretty close to there (only roughly two or so hours away). If you don't mind me asking, is he medical?
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I will not naively assume that this will not affect H. Not that I could or would tell H who to talk to, but I would be aware he might need a counterbalance to this, such as setting up double dates with another couple, or going on a trip, or going in for a MC session.
Once again, that is awesome. Your advice is spot-on and helps me out a lot!
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
