We also have MC tomorrow night and I am dreading it. Overall the sessions have been going better, but in the last session H seemed really agitated over the fact that I don't like biking. With the same intensity as if I didn't like sex, or something serious. Funny thing is, it has probably been a year since H got on his bike, so wtf is he even talking about? And even then, he has a couple of guy friends who he used to bike with, can't that be his guy thing?
Is H asking for you to spend quality time with him? I don't know just curious? What do feel about it?
Jelly, H has not asked to spend time with me. It came up in MC, the counselor asked what we could do together. I mentioned dinners out, hiking, wineries, etc. H just defaulted to "she won't bike." So counselor would say "Ok, biking is out, how about hiking, dinners, what else?" I would bring up something else, and H would say "She won't even try biking." That type of conversation. Finally the counselor said "how about hiking, dinners, etc?" And H said "I am actually too tired on weekends, we could just watch tv." And counselor said ok, watch tv. So now I have a tv buddy.
I will correct myself to add that H did actually ask for my attention in other ways- during MC, he mentioned that he wants me to sit with him while he works and show interest in his work, and also assist him when he does home improvement projects. So there is that. I have been doing that more.
2point and otw, I am grateful every day that H is still here in the home and at least making some effort. When I read other's sitches I do realize that I am so very lucky in that regard. But it does have a downside. The day to day stress and walking on eggshells is killing me. I realize that I do not have a "poker face" and although I am not following him around, I do have sad puppy dog eyes and I am sure he notices.
But then, yes, there are dinners, he is in our bed, he does hug me hello and he does initiate conversations in the past 2 months. Yes I am grateful. But I am also a wreck.
V, yes! He is projecting. Except maybe the jealousy thing, I don't think he is jealous at all, but everything else he is projecting.
I did not hurt his mother, he did. In fact, up until BD I spent more time with both of his parents than he did. Now I have backed away.
He was crazy worked up about the "fact" that I alienated him from his friends, that was going on 10 months now. Has he reconnected with ANY of his friends in the meantime? No. In fact I have spent more time with one of his best friends than he has. Same thing with his brother, he was so into "I lost touch with my brother, you alienated my from my brother." Well, for about 2 months after BD he was much closer to his brother but I don't think they've seen each other or spoken since, at least not any more than they had prior to BD.
If he was suddenly truly hit with the need to reconnect with his friends and brother, and suddenly realized that I had been the one to alienate him, wouldn't he have reconnected with them? If this was truly what he wanted? He did not, he just raged about it and never "fixed" it. I most certainly did not stand in his way before, but absolutely cleared the path for him to reconnect after that and he didn't do a thing.
The things that resonate with some genuineness- I complained about his parents, I did not validate him, I reacted emotionally, we did not have a unified approach to handling D's problems. Those are all genuine issues. All have been improved greatly and still working on, I might add. By me!
I will correct myself to add that H did actually ask for my attention in other ways- during MC, he mentioned that he wants me to sit with him while he works and show interest in his work, and also assist him when he does home improvement projects. So there is that. I have been doing that more.
I am not sure, but to me that seems a start. At least yours will do stuff like that. My W won't do anything that isn't related to the children. When I suggested dinner, she said that wasn't a good idea. You are lucky in that aspect.
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Those are all genuine issues. All have been improved greatly and still working on, I might add. By me!
That is awesome, Pho! I am proud for you!
Last edited by Spiff69; 11/18/1506:37 PM.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Thank you everyone for all of the attention you have been giving me on my thread.
I have a lot going on in my mind. Mostly 1- things are moving very slowly in the right direction, I need to stick to DB'ing and stay patient 2- I need to continue validating as that is key 3- I need to take care of my own emotions because I am feeling more depressed lately and having trouble coming out of it. 4- I may never get my needs met in this R (if the R even survives) and I will at some point have to make a decision about that, what I am willing to give up, what I am willing to put in without getting back. I think it will come down to what is in the best interest of the children. Right now I am thinking that we will survive. 5- Would it really be so bad if I got a boyfriend on the side? You know, just for sex, to relieve the tension, I am sure I could DB much better without the tension. OK, threw that one in to see who is paying attention. (But it did cross my mind!)
Thank you all. I love you all. I hope all of my ramblings have not driven you to madness with me, sometimes I feel I post too much, but then again, I don't have that boyfriend I mentioned above so this is where my emotional energy goes. I truly feel better after posting. Thank you.
Haha, I want a boyfriend too then. Just not sure how that's gonna work while mothering a toddler, so I guess I better wait on that ;-) I could really use the ahem tension lifter as well.
As far as point #3 I find that (trying) meditating helps a lot - Headspace app is great. Also, I have to remind myself not to look for happiness in external factors and that my interpretation os things is the basis of my own emotions. Does that make sense.
And lastly, WOW you really are the scapegoat for a lot of things. I wonder what goes on in the WAS' head to justify their thinking...
Pho, I am really pulling for you. I, for one, read your "ramblings" because they help me. My own fog is clearing somewhat and you have really given me something to think about. Thank you for that!
You will fine and do awesome!
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Just had MC. It was like the therapist had been reading my thread today. He asked H to open up and talk about his feelings. H surprisingly did so in a calm manner without any spew. I listened, I validated. The counselor rephrased a couple of things for me. H spoke more, I validated more. The counselor correctly pointed out that 7-8 months ago I would have "validated" but then jumped in with my interpretation of events. He commented that 2x tonight he asked me to "take the floor" and I deferred and went back to validating. I told him that to me listening and understanding H right now was more important than expressing my perspective. That I have come to the conclusion that yes, my perspective is important, but not nearly as important as the R, and that at least half of what I thought was worth expressing before was really not.
I don't have the need to "fight" anymore, I feel a need to listen. I get it. I regret not "getting it" sooner. I regret that I hurt H. H said some things, some of it I completely understood, some of it upset me and I truly don't agree with. But I just validated. I can do this. Oh! Also at some point the MC said to me that I did a great job not reacting and I said , "Oh just wait until we get home, I will let him have it then." I laughed, the counselor laughed, H looked nervous. He does not get my sense of humor! Maybe I shouldn't joke with him. Dammit, that is my personality.
Good night my DB friends. I did more "work" on myself and my R today with you all than I have in the past 6 months of MC. This is where I worked it out. I am exhausted. I am going to get these kids to bed and drink a shot or two of whiskey. Tomorrow is IC and then birthday party prep for S11 about to be 12's party. 15 kids at my house on Friday night. That I can handle without the whiskey, but a quiet night with H, I need whiskey for. Thus is the state of my life right now.
Just send me all of your bills in the mail, you are all worth more than the outrageous fees the MC charges. Thank you.
Pho, I was just catching up a bit here and wanted to let you know I deal with the alienation blame also. In my sitch, XF has a family who is only around when they need something. She got fed up with it years ago after seeing how my family was. She opened her eyes and quit talking to almost every one of them. Her choice to do that, not mine. I supported her either way because on one hand it IS her family, but on the other they WERE using her. I left it totally up to her and now lately she says how I pushed her family away and didn't approve of them. I kindly asked her if she is spending more time with them now? She has had 6 months without me to "reconnect". Nope. No effort on her part so that tells me she just has nothing better to complain about when that comes up.
Me 34, XF 27 Many years together Son 4 Engaged Not engaged Many false starts by XF 7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life 2/17 girlfriend moves in my home
Uphill, they are full of excuses. We can validate to their faces, but we all know deep down their perspectives are flawed. Still, we picked these people so what does that say about our perspectives? And even more so, we are fighting to keep them in our lives despite our eyes being wide open at this point! We all have a skewed version of reality. Some more than others. We are probably all kidding ourselves at this point.
Have a shot of whiskey with me. It makes it easier. I am starting in 10 minutes.
