as it is - my adventure continues (part 6)

[asitis]

Time for a new thread:

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

The first posts of parts 3 & 4 give a pretty good background up through the end of the summer.

Sorry for my absence, and thanks for the wishes I'd put in an appearance. I've been swamped under by the semester, a nagging sinus infection, and some issues w/ S6 (he's showing some heightened obsessive-compulsive behaviors - he's a mild Aspie - due probably to changes in living arrangements).

For the past 4 weeks, I've stayed in the apartment, instead of the rotation between house and apartment. The kids have been having an adventure coming over to stay here, but the older son is showing some signs of struggling with the change too. W met with the attorney I found for us to do mediation (we're now doing collaborative law, w/ this L being retained by my W). I've got call into one of the other collaborative law trained As in the area, but haven't heard back. Overall, things are much more relaxed between us, in part because of how I've DB'ed. Did some drive-by flirting (I offer up something flirtatious & on my way out so it can't become uncomfortable) even.

We will to the children in the middle class next month, and hopefully meet w/ Ls in a few weeks. W has been considerate a couple more times, and texted a couple times, which continues the new pattern since I calmed things down after she made a unilateral decision to switch from mediation to collaborative law.

I've also opened a profile on a couple dating sites and not taken them down. I'm very clear about my status, and that I'm looking for friend dates at this stage. I'll admit, answering the survey questions can be a bit addictive. It still underlines that I would prefer my W, but it also gives a bit of perspective - there are some attractive, interesting women out there who match up with some enticing views on sexuality.

My social network continues to grow and develop nicely, especially those with kids my kids are enjoying playing with. Not as much on the unattached adult friends side of things, but still I'm happy with it.

Haven't been able to exercise like I used to (this semester w/ the different kid arrangement has really cut into my opportunities), which has been a bit frustrating. And now that my work/class load is really hitting me hard, I have almost no opportunity for exercise, which is bumming me out.

I really hope to catch up on some folks' threads later this weekend, although I've also got a couple of papers to write and grading.

[mutatio]

I was just thinking about you and your post appeared. Glad to hear from you. I thought work might be keeping you busy. It sounds like your still on the same trajectory in regards your wife.

I miss your wisdom my friend. I hope you feel better.

[asitis]

I see that your new thread has been quite busy, and I will do my best to catch up on your sitch. My initial reaction to the first page is, why haven't you physically separated. I really think you need to space and the moving ahead with clearing out the old R to allow for a possibility of a new R to develop, and as long as you stay in the status quo, that wont happen. Again, I need to catch up, but I'll do my d*mnedest w/ you pho, and a bunch of others.

[Ancaire]

Yeah! I'm so happy to see you. I'm glad things seem to be working out a bit. You are so brave even to consider friend/dates. At this point, I'm so traumatized I don't see myself even doing that.

Yes, I know. Way too early for me to even think about that. It's hard not to wonder about the future, though. It's part of the reason posts by people like you, who are further down the DB path, are so invaluable to newer members. The reality of different types of successes is so encouraging. There is a future after BD!

Keep sharing your insight and wisdom, please? You've been such a help to me and so many others.

[asitis]

I'm not sure I'll be able to go through with a friend date. I may still chicken out. I do love my W,and there is some promise. Ironically, that potential goes hand in hand with my being able to move on and consider others. Weird, huh? But there you go.

After the semester is over in a month, I'll be able to return more regularly, but I'll try to not be a stranger in the meantime. I just don't want to promise what I can't deliver on.

Don't worry that you aren't to the considering dating stage. It's just another data point on the course of life. Not sure whether or not it is significant.

I've got another DB coach session next week, so I'll let you know her take on it.

[mutatio]

Asitis, I think that the largest remaining part of my problem is my co-dependency issue. When I have a grip on that I will be in much better shape. I am happy to stay home. I will live like this till my son graduates from high school. Then who knows. Till then I am glad to be home with my wife and kids. I must beat the co-dependency.

[gonegrl]

Asitis, it is so good to "hear" from you, it sounds like you are doing well. Please pay extra attention to your son's OCD, as you probably know my D14 has it and it, and every other problem you can imagine, gets so much worse when puberty hits (and puberty starts earlier than the physical changes, you will start to notice emotional changes earlier than you expect) , you want to manage that as best as you can now. I know you are the expert, but I am living it!

One thing I noticed from your post, is that your focus is definitely not on your W anymore. It also seems like your thinking is solidly in the present, with some thought towards the future. I give you an A in mental health! Also glad you aren't flirting with 20 year olds, lol. Looking forward to your take on my sitch when/if you get the time, it is probably another sign of health and moving forward to spend less time here, but I miss you and your insight.

Hope you have a great day.

[asitis]

S6 probably has Asperger's, so the obsessive-compulsive behavior is a bit different in cause than w/ OCD. We are taking him to an IC next week to work with him on it and other transitional issues.

And who said I wasn't flirting w/ 20 year-olds any more

My focus is surprisingly still on my W. I feel more attracted to her now that she is acting better towards me. Hence my flirting w/ her. It is just that I've got so many other things on my plate, that I can't spare her much thought or attention. Going on dating sites actually confirms that I still want my W a whole lot, but reality is reality.

[asitis]

It's been a while, so I figured I'd share an update. Nothing much to report on the R front. W has been considerate a couple more times. We also took S6 to IC, and then met for coffee today to discuss it. I was the parent who sat w/ IC while she took S6 to the waiting room, so she kept wanting me to report. As there wasn't much to report, I kept bringing it back to what she thought of the IC and let her talk about some of her recent frustrations w/ S6, their dentist - who was really bad when she took the boys in & S6 had a meltdown. Lots of reflecting feeling and validating.

It went well, and she thought meeting for coffee the day or two after then next session (she'll be reporting parent for that one) was a good idea. Towards the end she asked whether or not I had heard back from the L, and told her I finally got a callback today, but she left a message, and tried back and had to leave a message. We talked a bit about proceeding, and she was trying to get me to think about how she thought one route made sense, and I told her that while I read the stuff she gave me, I'm not at a point where I feel comfortable answering, as I haven't even met with the L. It clearly changed what seemed like a good tone, which was a bit frustrating.

As we walked out, I told her how I was hopeful on S6 now that we were getting him to IC and said I really appreciated that we could work so well for S6's sake and ours. I pointed out an insight she raised and told her how helpful that was.

She asked if I had thought about Thanksgiving, and whether we'd all get together. Caught me a bit off guard. My DB Coach had just told me when I raised the point that I should not invite her (I have the kids) unless she brought it up in a way that suggested openness to the idea, as letting her sit through the holiday apart from her family wasn't the worst thing for her right now. I told her I had been planning to try to do something fun with the boys, including decorating, and that I'd be glad to have us all do it. I told her I'd be glad to cook and host. We were in a rush, so she said let's talk about it after I get back (I'm going away for the weekend).

I have the boys tonight and tomorrow night (I usually don't get them until Thursday evening, but since I'm going away). I asked her if she would come take one of them to school - I do this on two of her teaching days - since I have to teach at 9:30 and need some prep time before. She agreed. Have some new decorations & furniture in the apartment and it is generally neat & clean. I think that will surprise her, as I suspect that she thinks I was only performing and not sincere when we were sharing spaces, and likely let things slack now that I don't have to impress her when we swapped location. The apartment was a disaster after the kids left last weekend, so it works out well that she is coming over tomorrow, rather than earlier.

[PigPen]

Hey Brother,

Long time. Just caught up on S6 and some of your sitch. For a little guy to have Asperger's he definitely couldn't have asked for a better father. Your clinical training, overall chill demeanor, and meditation practice are a brilliant recipe for someone with his challenges to have looking over him. I imagine you'll navigate his ups and downs with the same empathy and steeliness your DB'ing.

Looks like your W has warmed up a bit, a hesitant congrats to you. Maybe time is a gift huh? Your consistency has to be making ripples with her, even if they're little ones. At minimum you're giving her no reason to backslide herself, at least not from you.

How's your sitting going? I've missed you around here and am glad to catch an update from you As.

Finger's crossed the holidays bring some peace to your situation and some light into Mrs. As's heart.

Big hug,

PP