NCLFA - WW and Feelings of Confusion

[Strngr!]

Thanks for all the support everybody. I will try my best to be Strong Jeff.

[Strngr!]

I can tell you are soft hearted and easygoing. You are the good, nice-guy. You are also the kind of guy a WW eats for lunch. You have to set boundaries that have consequences, or else she will never feel sexual love for you. She will disrespect you so much that she will deliberately do things to despise you. I'm sure you don't want it to reach that level.

You are correct and i am soft hearted and easy going the NMMNG rings very true with me. Also you are right in mw noy wanting things to reach that level. I need to get working on setting boundaries i think i might need some coaching i been trying to read all about boundaries and trying to get a grip on them.

I want to set a boundary around her relationship with the OM. I will give a quick recap of what i know what she thinks i know and whats been said about it to this point then i will post what i am thinking of saying.

What i know: i know she talked sexually and kissed this guy. I know she continued talking to the guy and being flirty after she said she would dial it back to being just freinds. I also know she has met up with him several times after after she said she would just friends. I know they have been going more then talking but i dont know how far they have gone but i suppose i would assume they have banged.

What she thinks i know: she only thinks i know they kissed and talked sexually. As far as shes concerned she probably thinks she has covered her tracks well. She thinks im ok with them having a professional relationship and a codial freindship outside work.

What i have said: i origonally told here is was ok with cordial freindship as in one similar the kind i would have with one of her freinds. I dont text her freinds. This in hindsight is obviously a mistake i never realized how attched she could possibly be to this guy since ive never ever even been close to the situation she is in before.

My Boudary To Wife:
I realize you like this OM and you feel like you dont want to lose his freindship However, you continued texting and freindship with him makes me feel anxious and if this continues i will be unable put any focus on fixing our marrage.

What do you think?

[Sotto]

To me, that boundary sounds weak. There is a third party in your marriage just now, and truly there is no real R for you guys while that's the case.

I think it would be stonger to say that you're not willing to live in an open marriage, where your W's attention is focused on an OP in this way...and if she continues, you'll need to be prepared to enforce your boundary.

[sandi2]

My Boudary To Wife:
I realize you like this OM and you feel like you dont want to lose his freindship However, you continued texting and freindship with him makes me feel anxious and if this continues i will be unable put any focus on fixing our marrage.

How about not limiting it to just this OM? What if you said, "I will not live in an open M. That includes affairs of any kind and inappropriate friendships. If you continue contacting this OM, I will assume you have made your choice and I will proceed with a divorce".

Now then, if you can't stick to it, then don't say it. But I'll tell you up front that you cannot bluff her. You don't dare tell her something like this and then back out. You have to be tough, very tough or she'll play you for a bigger fool than she already has. All WW's play their H for a fool. They are disgusted and have no respect for him, so the only way he can really gain ground is to be strong enough to make a believer out of her. He may even have to go as far as filing for a D, but IMHO, he stands a better chance than waiting around to see if she's going to end the contacting with other men. Everyone does not agree with me on that point, it's just my opinion. Your WW needs to believe you will not tolerate such behavior in your M, and that she could very well lose you over this OM.

If this is too strong for your stomach, then we can work on another way to state a boundary.

[Strngr!]

Thanks sotto! Am also struggling with how to bring forward boundaries to my wife do i just bring it up outa the blue when were together at home maybe before bed or something. Or do i wait untill she is texting im and i clearly know about it or is there another way thay works best?

[Strngr!]

Its quite strong for my nice guy taste but im still only halfway though NMMNG and working on that. I think in all reality its the truth im not willing to live in an open marrage but i do feel like some time might be needed to help her snap out of her delusions/fog.

[Sotto]

Hi Strong. I don't think 'allowing some time' will help her 'snap out.' I think consequences do that, but that all takes time. What consequences may there be? No longer ML, not sharing the marital bed, separating, financial, impact on kids, perception of others. If you do nothing other than wait and hope she 'snaps out' none of these consequences unfold. I'm not saying be mean or punish her. I'm saying you may want to take protective steps in the face of this threat to your marriage, peace of mind and wellbeing.

For me, I took the protective measure of separating straightaway, but remained willing to discuss things and potentially focus on the M together for a few months. This was all pre-DB. Once I started DBing, I stopped initiating contact and there's been very little contact since. So your actions will have consequences (for you and her) as mine have. You have to be prepared to 'live' whatever path you take.

I'm happy with my path, because I could never have lived with H knowing he was so infatuated (and sleeping with) someone else. I respect that others may respond differently but it was a no-brainer for me. I knew instantly.

[mvgfwd2]

For your wife to snap out of it you have to create a situation where snapping out of it is a better option. Doing nothing will get nothing. Defining boundaries and taking swift and certain action when violated is how you create that situation. Being weak only prolongs the agony and does little to change the A.

You have an intruder in your house threatening your family. If you don't think this is a threat to your family you really need to snap out of it yourself. Do you wait for the threat to go away by itself?

[Strngr!]

I know i need to be strong and take protective steps however i havent realy entertained the idea or leaving or seperating. I dont want to leave s1. I realize this sitch may come to a point where that is nessesary.

I dont plan on doing nothing i am doing my best working on detathment, following sandi's rules, working on GAL, trying to get a grasp on setting boundaries and all that good stuff.

My only point was isnt an affair like and addiction wouldnt it be something that takes some time to kick it even once you have made the decision to kick it. Ive never had those feelings she is having but i would expect it to be nearly impossible to just stop the A on a dime. Maybe im wrong to think that and u should expect immediate turn around as soon as i set a boundary around the OM or Inappropriat relationships.

[mvgfwd2]

As long as OM is still in contact nothing will change. If you want a change then set a boundary of NC, no open marriage, and take an action if it continues. If your W continues then do you really want to be in an open marriage anyway? How long? But that's my way, I take action.

Actions are strong, words are weak, and doing nothing is approval.