Back on these forums again 3

[Ancaire]

Mona, the mutual hatred H and I share right now makes NC super easy. But I admit I think about him all the time. The last time you DB'd...when H was with OW in another state...did you guys just stay in contact because of your children?

I am trusting that my moving away and working on myself for now is the best thing I can do to DB. I don't like it, but it's what needs to happen. I've learned so much about codependency, and realize how needy and helpless I've become. Fixing that. I need to let H feel my absence and realize just how much he messed up our family. Me telling him about it just makes him defiant.

I will be going completely dark, in effect. No one on the boards is doing that. I don't know what to do. I'm curious about your experiences, and what you remember from being here before. I'm not afraid of being legally D. I don't like that, either - but there's lots about this sitch that makes me unhappy.

Am I looking too far ahead? I guess I just want to be reassured all hope is not lost just because I've accepted we need to go our separate ways for now. What do you think?

[Mona52]

Mona, the mutual hatred H and I share right now makes NC super easy. But I admit I think about him all the time. The last time you DB'd...when H was with OW in another state...did you guys just stay in contact because of your children?

Nope! He dropped us flat. He would go months without a word. Then he slowly asked for them during a holiday. He would drive from Maryland with OW to pick up the kids. Then he started complaining that the drive was hours long and he could not afford gas, so I began to meet him half way. Then I was taking them to MD completely. This went on for a while, until he started IM'ing (Yahoo instant messenger was big back then) me more frequently.

But I was the WORST DB'er in the world. I would be there, with the kids and big sad puppy dog eyes every time he came. I made everything horrid because I just could not detach.

I am trusting that my moving away and working on myself for now is the best thing I can do to DB. I don't like it, but it's what needs to happen. I've learned so much about codependency, and realize how needy and helpless I've become. Fixing that. I need to let H feel my absence and realize just how much he messed up our family. Me telling him about it just makes him defiant.

This wont make sense, but once you stop caring if he feels this or not, then he might start to feel it. But by then it wont matter if he feels it or not. No matter what he does or does not do, your plans are the perfect action to take.

I will be going completely dark, in effect. No one on the boards is doing that. I don't know what to do. I'm curious about your experiences, and what you remember from being here before. I'm not afraid of being legally D. I don't like that, either - but there's lots about this sitch that makes me unhappy.

Am I looking too far ahead? I guess I just want to be reassured all hope is not lost just because I've accepted we need to go our separate ways for now. What do you think?

No, I do not believe all is not lost. The only time all is lost is when you choose to stop. As long as you keep fighting the good fight, there is hope. I promise you, if there was a way you can DB wrong, I did it. No, I mastered everything NOT to do the first time around. I would come here everyday and hear how i should not do this or that. Then go and do it anyway! But then I started to listen, and I only listened infrequently. But once I really dropped the rope, out of the blue, my sit changed.

You are doing it right, just keep moving forward. Even if you make mistakes, just keep moving forward.

[Mona52]

Great weekend! So, Friday, during work, I had the 'text session' with H. I told him I was not cooking because it is Friday and I go out on Fridays.

Saturday I was SO busy, so I ignored H all day. Today, I get a text from him.

H: How are you? Did you have lots of fun Friday?

Me: (I sent him a selfie of me because I was at an Eagles game. This is unbelievable and required the selfie to prove it because, 1. I am a Pittsburgh fan, and 2. He is a Giants fan, so we both equally hate Philadelphia.) I am at a (beeping) eagles game!!! God help me, lol

H: Lmao better you than me

Me: and yes, Friday was pretty awesome. Thx. How are you feeling?

H: Tired

Me: Do you work today?

H: I'm at work now

Me: Omg

H: ????

Me: Til mid?

(I meant do you work noon to midnight?)

H: Yes

now I talk to him about mundane stuff, but later he texted me

H: Did you have fun?

Me: Yes, I had allot of fun. Now back to real life tomorrow.

H: Pffft everyday is real life for me. More real than I've ever faced before.

Me: Lol, yeah, I guess so

I was not in the mood to listen to his issues, especially since I have mine and the kids and he has nothing to worry about... So i steered the conversation to mundane stuff and when he started asking for his stuff from the house I just stopped talking. He can go get his own stuff, but apparently he thinks I am going to. LOL I am not giving him his stuff, and if it is there when I turn the keys in...

I am having so much fun with this new group of friends my mom introduced me to. I wont see them again until Friday and that really stinks. But I have work during the week to keep me busy. I really like one of the guys in the group. He is 100% not available, and I love his GF. So nothing can ever ever happen, but that is not what I want anyway. No, I love him because he is walking, talking proof that there really are other fish in the sea. I prefer my stupid jerkface more than anything in the world. But I will thrive no matter if I have a jerkface or a different guy, or (God forbid) no guy.

[Mona52]

Wow, reality is overwhelming this morning.

I came into work to discover that I have 100 things all due NOW. Things for work and school. Also, the publishing company I am editing books for asked me to do 100 exercises for a Python (Python is a language used to write code) book by the end of November. I could really use the extra money, especially if I get it before Christmas! So I could not say no. I found a perfect storm for my business on Friday, a marketing idea that I really think will work, now I need time to pound it out, but I just have a million other things that need done.

It is rare that I am completely overwhelmed like this. I am at a point where I cant start anything because there is so much to do. No one in my building does what I do, so I cant get a little assistance either.

I am going to walk away from my desk with a cup of coffee, a pen and pad of paper and a highlighter. Time to write out my goals for the day and place them in order of the quickest to do until I get to the hardest/longest. I could have chosen the highest priority first, but if I get stuck on a high priority, I might not get anything else done and it is ALL due!

It is at these times when I text jerkface (when we were happily married) and he would say:

"Do x first. I don't know why you are stressing, you will get it all done easily. Stop worrying and just get it done."

And I would reply
"What do you mean Do x first? Are you crazy?! I absolutely need to do Y first then B then J, heck x can wait til last, it doesnt even need done today!"

Then I would realize half of it doesnt really need done today and I will be calmer.

[Gmum]

Mona I envy you. Even in stressful times you seem so on top of everything.

[Mona52]

Ugh... H was pulling me down yesterday. He has been acting more and more depressed lately. He says he has no one to support him. So I made the monumental mistake of sending him a text yesterday. Just a "how are you feeling today" text.

Mistake...

When I booted him, I transferred all the bills into my name. all of them. But he still had bills. And they are not my responsibility. Apparently he just got a letter today he owed $800 to a creditor because I stopped paying his bills.

So he told me about it in a very depressed "Poor me, nothing I do will work, I am gonna quit my job and run away to Puerto Rico, because I cant pay my bills" attitude.

Immediately I felt like this was MY fault.

Immediately I started to jump in and problem solve. I sent him a text
"I would like to talk it out and try to help, but only of you can talk. If you just want to go with "the world is against me" attitude, then there is not much I can do"

He texted back
"What do you suggest"

However... his text came 12 minutes later. His loss.

During that 12 minutes I went from the point where I was ready and willing to give him $800 from my income tax check, all the way to I am not giving him a single penny.

Freaking guilt works on me every single time. But HE is the one who should feel guilty. He is the one doing this to himself and his kids and me for that matter.

So when he texted me back, instead of my normal cheerful self, I gave him depression.
Me: idk, ignore me and forget what i said, All my suggestions turn to cr@p.

HA!

I gave him depression and went about my life. I have not spoken to him since. I know he is waiting for me to make things better, so instead I will ignore. And it is surprisingly easy. I have my own life to wrestle with and I dont want to be around an unhappy person. I know that sounds so selfish. That is because it is selfish. But I am happy.

It hit me in the face, this is the exact reason I was unhappy. So easily I forgot how frustrating it was to live with a person who wont help himself.

I prioritized my tasks yesterday and was able to get half completely done. My mother was out last night so I was able to just relax with my D15 in the living room. I am crocheting myself a blanket. I have made everyone else a blanket, and this was supposed to be my H blanket in the colors of the New York Giants football team. When he left I unraveled his blanket, and bought colors I like. So last night I was able to get a few more inches done in peace and quiet while my D killed zombies on Call of Duty. (That is a video game)

After that I stayed up and got more work done. So today I am not as overwhelmed.I am just taking one thing at a time and getting the work done!

Thankfully, my mind is so busy, and when it strays, it only strays to H once in a while. Instead it strays to my Friday night friends and what they did on Sunday, or what they said on Friday, etc. I have 5 things brewing to earn extra cash, so I can completely fail 4 of them and still get some extra cash in. One might be before christmas, i hope!

I just need to take one day at a time and one thing at a time. I have plans for the future, but if I live in the present, like dear Judy is focusing on, I find I can get a ton of things done right now. Makes the future much more appealing.

[Mona52]

My girls and I were able to accomplish a ton of work last night. I wanted to watch Lord of the Rings, but we worked so long and so hard that I fell asleep right after it began. I feel like I was short changed. That was my reward. Oh well, I guess I will have to just watch it AGAIN tonight

Yes I have a small thing for Aragorn... ok and Legolas. Ya know what, let's just not talk about it.

I got a text from H yesterday
H: Hey. How was your day. Sry about yesterday. Some days are better than others.

I ignore him. I had to. If I had replied I know we would have ended up in a fight. And I was super busy. And, to be honest, every time i itched to reply to him, I just distracted my thoughts with another man. In a nice way. For example, it annoyed my that my H can't handle one bill. I would feel my anger rising and I would remember how this one guy did things on Sunday that took care of our whole group.

The guy I am talking about is not anything near a person for an A. I am not breaking my vowels in any way, with him. I am just using him as an example of what I want more of. I am supposed to think of what I want more of, not less of, right

I dont know why, but it calmed me down. Knowing that guys still do take responsibility for things. I was reading MWD last night and I cant remember what I was reading but she said to applaud loudly the 1% they DO do. And that is so, so , so hard for me right now. I am struggling with feelings of resentment because it has been since the third week of October since he even attempted to contact the kids. He saw them when he came to do his laundry, but not all three of them and only for a short time. I have to take care of the kids 100%. He pays support, but only because I took him in. He gave me nothing willingly.

So someone please tell me where this elusive 1% is I need to applaud? I am sincerely asking. But I am a firm believer that MWD is right, and if I applaud that 1% he will be happy enough to give 2%. And if i can get him from 1% to 2 %, well, that is a 100% increase in effort. So I have no doubt I can get him to the point where he is giving 40%. Then I will finally feel like I am part of a team, and not his parent as well.

My dearest mom is driving me right up the wall. I am finding it extremely hard to find a place in this world where I can just relax. I am half tempted to just rent a hotel room for a day this weekend.

Wait, I forgot! I am going out of town on Sunday for work! I will be gone Sunday, Monday and I will come home Tuesday. OMG That is pretty awesome. Finally, I get some alone time with my thoughts.

Felling pretty good about life all of a sudden.

[PigPen]

Keep feeling good about life Mona, you've got a ton going for you!

Applauding the 1% goes against everything our ego wants for us. It's a slap in the face of who we believe we are and how we believe we should be treated. That's the mind (censored) that DB'ing is, I'm sure you know better than all of us.

Your math is good though, a 100% increase is a step in the right direction. One tiny step in the right direction has to happen before a colossal leap can take place right? Someone has to be sober for one day before they can be sober for 10 years.

I say when you're celebrating the 1%, what you're doing is celebrating yourself. Make it a game. You've obviously raised children so you know the drill. I'm sure when your daughter took her first step you lost your mind with amazement, as opposed to being annoyed she wasn't running. Same deal here, only moderately absurd because it's with a grown man that should be pulling his own weight, and then some. So instead of celebrating him, celebrate the part of you that's larger than that absurdity.

That all being said, it must be exhausting to have to parent your H. You deserve a partner, someone that carries you when you are down and can acknowledge with gratitude when you do the same for him. I'd like to personally shake your H by the shoulders and yell at him to wake up and realize what he's doing, if only for a second.

Lots of deep breaths today. The place in the world where you can relax is inside of you. Find the peace that comes from your breathing, the peace that comes from knowing you're a rock in the middle of a chit storm. The peace that comes from knowing you've been here before and thrived and will so again.

Big hug,

PP

[Mona52]

How funny is that PP. We seem to post on each others threads at the same time anymore

What is even funnier is that I posted very similar words on your thread!

[Mona52]

So I texted H back. I have not spoken to him since his mini meltdown.

Me: Hey. Sorry I was tied up yesterday. How are you feeling today? You are doing great. You got yourself a full time job and a great apartment. Be proud.

Ok, so my apology was worded innocent, but not
That'll get his mind pondering a tiny bit.
Then I tried to applaud.

Now back to my own life.