Hi Mona, thanks for the suggestion. I don't know what to think about my wife and marriage. If I follow your suggestion I will combine it with moving away. But I'm not there yet. I don't know where I am now but I am not there yet.
One of the things I will remember from this time in my life is the uncertainty of it all.
I just read this and it struck a chord with me. I will have to do some self reflection on love and attachment. I copied and pasted it here for you if are struggling with attachment. I copied this from A View On Buddhism.
- "Love with attachment consists of waves of emotion, usually creating invisible iron chains." Ordinary love tends to create bonds that may turn very unpleasant.
- Ordinary love is based on selfishness: attraction to others because they help us.
- Ordinary love is often based on opinions like beauty and status, which may be quite irrelevant or even obstacles for being able to live happily together with the person.
- Exaggeration and projection are the main reasons that ordinary love leads to disappointments.
- "Being in love" may be a very exciting emotional condition, but is it really happiness, or is it often mixed with a fair amount of suffering?
- Attachment gives us the feeling of: How can this relationship fulfil MY needs? Real love would ask: What can I do for the OTHER?
- Attachment based on selfishness: if you are good to me, I am good to you. Altruistic love is based on equanimity: one realises that others are like me and want happiness. It is wishing others to be happy just because they exist.
- Attachment leads to possessiveness: MY husband, MY wife, MY friend, MY family. Did you ever realise that we cannot own people, unless you believe in slavery? Possessiveness leads to FEAR of losing, fake affection out of fear, overprotection, craving, jealousy or even the feeling: I can't live without her/him/my car/my cat/chocolate/pizzas/my job/my jewellery/my music....
- Is the perfection we think to see in the loved one really there, or do we simply close our eyes for the negative qualities?
- Is the perfection we are looking for achievable? An old Sufi tale as illustration:
"One afternoon, Nasruddin and his friend were sitting in a cafe, drinking tea and talking about life and love. His friend asked: 'How come you never married?' 'Well,' said Nasruddin, 'to tell you the truth, I spend my youth looking for the perfect woman. In Cairo I met a beautiful and intelligent woman, but she was unkind. Then in Baghdad, I met a woman who was a wonderful and generous soul, but we had no common interests. One woman after another would seem just right, but there would always be something missing. Then one day, I met her; beautiful, intelligent, generous and kind. We had very much in common. In fact, she was perfect!' 'So, what happened?' asked Nasruddin's friend, 'Why didn't you marry her?' Nasruddin sipped his tea reflectively. 'Well,' he replied, 'it's really the sad story of my life.... It seemed that she was looking for the perfect man...' "
To summarise: our own projections, selfish expectations and exaggerations are the foundations of attachment and the unavoidable disappointment.
We want to get love, rather than give love. We seek understanding, rather than trying to understand. We seek self-confidence, rather than respecting others. We seek praise and encouragement, rather than giving praise and encouragement . We don't like criticism, but like to criticise others.
I will strive for altruistic love. I will leave you with this quote, food for thought.
"Grasping at things can only yield one of two results: Either the thing you are grasping at disappears, or you yourself disappear. It is only a matter of which occurs first." Goenka
All of these quotes speak to me. I still wonder if the love I shared with my H was true. I guess only time will tell.
The fear I felt at losing my job, my health, my house and my H, at times has been crippling. Over the last 8 months I have slowly started to accept that these things don't define me. I have let go so many things that I realized I really didn't need, but for years thought I couldn't live without. What I did learn is that I can't live without my children, my close family, my best friend and my animals. They will always be a constant in my life. I still have an unhealthy attachment to my H. I know I can live without him. I have for the past 8 months and most of my adult life, but I really don't want to. I just have to figure out how to un-choose him now and let him go.
One thing I keep thinking about when reading your posts and other men on here....You guys are delving deep into yourselves. You are trying to figure out your thoughts, feelings, uncertainties, triggers. You are trying to become better men, not just for the women in your lives, but your children, other relationships and most important for yourselves. That is so admirable!
Di-mond in the rough M-45 H-38 My children S-25 D-23 T 5 M 4 H left April Fools Day 2015
Mutatio- I grasped and I held and lost both H and myself I think I lost myself first while trying so hard to hold onto H. I don't even know who I am anymore. I copied your post to my notes and plan on giving it some real reflection Thanks for posting it
Hello fine people of DB world. Thank you Di-mond, Jpeg, Mona, epO215, 2pointO for your kind words. When I found those words, I thought some of you might like them also, so I copied and pasted them here. I'm glad I did.
Not much is happening here. Although I feel disappointed with my wife's behavior I accept it and give her the space she wants. This zen story sums up how I deal with my emotions of my circumstance.
Traveler: "What kind of weather are we going to have today?" Shepherd: "The kind of weather I like." Traveler: "How do you know it will be the kind of weather you like?" Shepherd: "Having found out, sir, that I cannot always get what I like, I have learned to always like what I get. So I am quite sure we will have the kind of weather I like."
This is the marital relationship she desires at this time. I support her and hope she finds peace.
