NCLFA - WW and Feelings of Confusion

[Strngr!]

New Thread for New Comer Looking For Advice.

Link to old
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2624621#Post2624621

[Strngr!]

Wife confronted me this morning asked me it i still loved her. I said yes i do always will. But then she asked me why i dont say i love you anymore. I didnt know what to say i said i guess its cause you wanted space and i dont want to say it just so you will say it back. She said its hurtful and accused me of being mean. Again i feel like im in to deep over my head here since i havent read the DR book yet. When she asks me questions like this i realy struggle with how i should respond. Any thoughts?

[Strngr!]

I forgot i also told her i feel confused and that im not sure what to say or do these days. Ugh I suck!

[Azzork]

Wife confronted me this morning asked me it i still loved her. I said yes i do always will.

Why exactly did you say this? You ALWAYS will love her?No matter what she does? That seems like youre giving her an awful lot of power over you.

But then she asked me why i dont say i love you anymore. I didnt know what to say i said i guess its cause you wanted space and i dont want to say it just so you will say it back. She said its hurtful and accused me of being mean.

Let me get this straight. She's messing around with another guy and YOU are the mean one? Why are you professing to her how much you love her? Are her actions WORTHY of your love?

I forgot i also told her i feel confused and that im not sure what to say or do these days.

Yeah. Cut that crap out, real quick.

Quick recap:
- She fools around with other guy
- She continues to message him
- She stays out without remorse

Let me ask you this: are you content to wait around as her Plan B?

[Strngr!]

I dont know I have unconditional love for her. She is my W. I dont aways love everything she does or everything about her. However even with the negatives i still have thay feeling of love for her. How does having a that feeling of love give her power over me. Nope Her actions are not worthy of my love when she lies and cheats true.

I guess i should have said something like i want the words to mean something and im not always sure anymore after your recent actions how much I love you. Could i tell her I used to say it to get confirmaion she loves me back and that id rather not have to ask for the confirmation that she loves me?

I never know what to say when she springs these kind of questions on me my knee jerk reaction is to say something thay makes her feel better. I have to resist that. But im just never sure whay else to say instead.

[Zephyr]

Azz is spot on. Knock that crap out.

How about, you say, "really???" OR "are you serious?" Then you walk away. You go find something to do, don't be angry or worried. You are a man, right.

No need to be snotty or dickish, just calm / confident and to the point, the less you say, the more she will hear.

[Azzork]

I dont know I have unconditional love for her. She is my W. I dont aways love everything she does or everything about her. However even with the negatives i still have thay feeling of love for her.
Yes. I understand. You love her.
But TELLING her you will ALWAYS love her? So, she can do whatever she wants, hurt you in whatever way possible, sleep with as many other guys as she wants, and there youll be. Ready to take her back with open arms because of your undying love?

Is that right?

How does having a that feeling of love give her power over me.
Its not about the feeling of love you have right now. Its TELLING her about this UNBENDING, ETERNAL love that you have. Read what I wrote above. How does that NOT give her incredible power?

Nope Her actions are not worthy of my love when she lies and cheats true.
So why are you telling her right now how much you love her?

I guess i should have said something like i want the words to mean something and im not always sure anymore after your recent actions how much I love you.
Keep It Simple, Stupid.
You dont need to wax on about your feelings and the pain and your love and so on. Like Zephyr said, she wants to know why you dont say you love her....."Really?"

Could i tell her I used to say it to get confirmaion she loves me back and that id rather not have to ask for the confirmation that she loves me?
Nope. Now's not the time to be discussing any of this. Youd be wasting your breath.

I never know what to say when she springs these kind of questions on me my knee jerk reaction is to say something thay makes her feel better. I have to resist that. But im just never sure whay else to say instead.
She messes around with another man, and YOU want to make HER feel better about it. Am I understanding correctly?



Im really not trying to be harsh. Im not trying to be mean. I was in the EXACT same scenario as you. I did the EXACT same things you want to do. None of it helped. None of it mattered. All of it just made things worse. I dont want you to make the same mistakes I did.

[otw]

Please listen to Azz here. he is spot on. Your feelings about her right now should be for you.

[mvgfwd2]

When she says things like "..it's hurtful.." Just say it's hurtful for her continuing contact with OM. Then walk away. She will of course deny everything. If she gets to the point where she says she no longer talks with OM them ask her to send him a NC letter that you approve and get full access to her phone and email. If that is not acceptable to her then you know where you stand.

[sandi2]

The guys are right about her asking you those type of questions. We understand you love the woman. You do not have to convince us. Right now, and I hope you'll understand what I mean, this is not about giving in to her b/c you love her so much. It is about being stronger than her, and being the head of your home. How can she respect you as a man when you roll over and stick your paws up in the air? I know I harp a lot on men showing their inner male strength, b/c I know that's what women need, and especially a WW.

I can tell you are soft hearted and easygoing. You are the good, nice-guy. You are also the kind of guy a WW eats for lunch. You have to set boundaries that have consequences, or else she will never feel sexual love for you. She will disrespect you so much that she will deliberately do things to despise you. I'm sure you don't want it to reach that level.

If you could find Starsky and flag him down, he is the best at telling a LBH what to say to a WW. I've not seen him stumped, yet!

If the W has said she wants to S or get a D, then you have the perfect opportunity when she asks you why you don't say ILY or kiss her, etc., to give her a truth dart.

If you don't know what to say, just give her a "look", or as one of the guys said, "Seriously" or "You're kidding".

Remember, if you say something to her that asks her a question, it will turn into a R talk. You don't have to answer at all, if you don't know what to say.

Could i tell her I used to say it to get confirmaion she loves me back and that id rather not have to ask for the confirmation that she loves me?

No, I don't think you should tell her at this time. Maybe after the M has been reconciled.

I never know what to say when she springs these kind of questions on me my knee jerk reaction is to say something thay makes her feel better.

Your job, presently, is not about helping her feel better. She needs to face the music, and not be protected by you. If you love her for real, then you'll be firm and not fall back to a weaken position. Always maintain a position of strength, leadership, and integrity.

When she takes you off guard with something, just look at her and say nothing. If it is something totally ridiculous, look at her, shake your head and walk away. That tells a WW a lot more than words.

Never allow her to put you on trial about your past mistakes or what you are or aren't doing now. She is the one who messed this up, and she has to be the one to clean it up. She doesn't clean it up by blaming you for her mess. In fact, one of Starsky's quotes was, "This is your mess. You clean it up!" Bear in mind, that you can say these things without sounding like a monster. You don't have to cuss, yell at her, etc. Just say it in a calm but firm tone of voice. No pleading or weak, tones. You have to start doing this to gain her respect in you as a man.