Last edited by Uphill; 11/16/1502:41 PM. Reason: Add link
Me 34, XF 27 Many years together Son 4 Engaged Not engaged Many false starts by XF 7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life 2/17 girlfriend moves in my home
Hi Uphill - so OM dumped XF did he? Maybe the sitch was putting a little too much pressure on him and he bailed. And he has a GF already??
Well, he clearly didn't have much staying power did he? No great surprise I would say. I would also say, don't set too much store by this - my H and his OW have been on-off-on a number of times. I think many R's that start in a 'hasty' way are rather tumultuous and dramatic. There may be on's and off's to come yet. Things truly have to run their course I think.
For now, I would stay right off the subject. Your XF gave you her answer and you are moving forward, along with your S at this point. If XF want's back in, she'll need to dig pretty deep I think and I don't sense she's at that point just yet.....in time, who knows...
Take care, you've had some rides on the rollercoaster lately my friend. Time to relax with an ice cream I think xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I don't know, this is all mind reading but I think the reality of being a home wrecker set in and he ran? I'm not betting on anything at this point other than the fact that S4 and myself are gonna be fine. Maybe better? Who knows... XF has to take time and look deep inside herself, before anything would change. If I gave the impression that he has a new GF I'm sorry, as far as I know he doesn't but there again I can't rule anything out.
Didn't ask any questions, just waited for the door to be closed and snickered to myself. On Saturday, during our talk, I said to XF. "I'm gonna tell you this now, and whether it's tomorrow or 6 months from now I'm gonna say I told you so. You are being used!" I wonder if it's too soon to remind her?!?! Haha. Jk I'm sure she remembers at this point and doesn't need the reminder, just ironic how things work.
Last edited by Uphill; 11/16/1507:55 PM.
Me 34, XF 27 Many years together Son 4 Engaged Not engaged Many false starts by XF 7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life 2/17 girlfriend moves in my home
Sotto, I think you and S4 are on the same page. I came home from work and my mom had him here waiting for me. He was sitting on the porch with a milkshake for each of us . He wanted one at the store and wouldn't leave without getting one for me. That kid melts my heart!
Me 34, XF 27 Many years together Son 4 Engaged Not engaged Many false starts by XF 7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life 2/17 girlfriend moves in my home
Uphill, you are awesome. I am glad you gave her an ultimatum. I am glad OM dumped her. I think you are right about reality setting in. As much as setting ultimatums is not "DB" I think it is giving you the perspective you need to detach and put your focus on yourself and your son. Even though things aren't really going your way, they are if that makes sense? You are taking care of yourself and your son in a very honest way.
Pho, you are right. Ultimatums couldn't be further from DB standard and for good reason. It blew up in my face. But for me I needed answers, answers I was not willing to sit on the sideline and wait for. I'm not gonna be OM's water boy. Even though it did not work out the way I had hoped for, I now have direction in life. I felt since day one like I was sitting in limbo. No answers, no idea what to do with my life. Nothing. I now know exactly where I stand and can base my decisions in life on that. In the past, I gotta admit, I made decisions based on too many "what ifs". Not anymore, I have the direction I needed to move along with my life.
It just makes it a little sweeter that things got too real for OM and he kicked her to the side the next day! The day before all I heard was how nice of a guy he is and the have such a connection haha. How did that work out for ya?
XF obviously has been spending all of her time in the wrong ways. I even told her that. She never looked inside herself to see what needed work. She never saw the therapist she so badly needs (I'm not trying to diagnose but she has a history of depression from many childhood events. She went before and stopped, never resumed to get to the roots of the problems. This is exactly how she acted way back then, just not on this scale.) she never took time to reflect on life and where it is leading her. And until she does her life will continue to be toxic. I stood by her side early on in our R, against many peoples suggestion. It was only about 2 months into "us" when it happened before and I felt I had to help her. Nobody else was there to do it so I did and pissed a few people off who told me to run then. The same people remind me of that from time to time and I reply, "if I would have ran back then, I wouldn't have S4 now."
Anyways, she has lots of work to do on herself before she will be able to give herself fully to anybody else. Until then it is just a fake her.
Me 34, XF 27 Many years together Son 4 Engaged Not engaged Many false starts by XF 7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life 2/17 girlfriend moves in my home
Wow, lots of change in your sitch Uphill. I've been following your threads for a long time and the amount of growing you've done is so admirable. Good for you and good for S4 for being so strong.
I know your road has NOT been an easy one but look where it's lead you. I don't feel badly for your XF, she's reaping what she sowed. As are you - positivity, direction, and inner strength.
Keep on this path and you're going to lead an amazing life my friend.
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
Uphill, I am proud of you, sir. Even though it seems that we think along the same lines, you are light years from where I am. I am just now dusting myself off and looking out of new eyes. I mess up - and really did these past couple of days - but I am at the point to where I no longer let those wild *ss emotions take control of me. It almost seems as if I am fine either way, as much as I want her and the marriage, I am finding that if she chooses the other way, I am OK with that too. How odd is that?
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Up, it may run counter to DB, but if you felt that an ultimatum was necessary then I am happy that you did it. Whether you liked the outcome or not. But, I would bet that you, and OM, just triggered the loss that Sandi always talks about. Hopefully you will now be able to live for yourself and she may come to her senses. It would feel awesome to be the one making the decisions, wouldn't it!
Keep up the good work and enjoy that boy!
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
Thank you all for stopping here and offering your support! Im not gonna say it was easy to hear them words, but those words are what gave me what I needed to stop giving a fk. I cared too much from the start. Not just the start of the sitch, the start of "us". I always looked past XF's flaws as any loving spouse does. Now I can see them for what they are. Don't get me wrong, I would honestly to this day say she is a 9+ on a 1-10. Not perfect but damn near and I think that's how she had me wrapped around her finger. That's why I stayed so attached. Not that I think I'm not worthy, but because I know it would be easy for her to "get" whoever she wants. She gets a lot of attention everywhere, the kind of girl who turns every head when she walks into a restaurant.
I can look past all that at this point because I know the her nobody else sees. And it's been ugly lately. As far as feeling the loss and me being in charge, I don't know what I would do at this point. It would be nice to have that chance someday but I honestly feel like I would tell her she had her chance. This is all current feelings so who knows what I would say tomorrow. But I can say that today, the only reason I would hear her out would be for S4.
Me 34, XF 27 Many years together Son 4 Engaged Not engaged Many false starts by XF 7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life 2/17 girlfriend moves in my home
. He wanted one at the store and wouldn't leave without getting one for me. That kid melts my heart!