My wife had an affair..

[ktfo]

I'm willing to do what it takes. I've tried to interact with her in many ways, I don't know how to connect with her.
Im not saying you have or you havent. Maybe google the 5 Love Languages. Take the test. Take the test as if you were her. See how they compare. Then consider whether youve spoken to her in THAT manner.
>> I got the book, I'm going to laod it on my phone and start now.

We connected fine in the beginning obviously but it went away quickly after we were married.
Well, yes. The dopamine rush of a new relationship wears off. Then what? Thats OK. You arent going to be head over heels gaga for each other forever. So how do you keep a healthy relationship of companionship, partnership, caring, tenderness, intimacy, love, etc....
>>I've tried to spark things over the years and she's been cold to all of it.

As far as what have I done for myself? LOL I don't know what that means. I mean I train Jiu Jitsu, or I've worked out. I try to play guitar very badly, or bass very badly... that's it.
I mean, what kinds of changes are you instilling in yourself? You CANNOT be the same person going forward as you were in the past. That path led you to here, with your W having affairs. So, CLEARLY, something was wrong. So what are you doing for yourself to become a person that she would be a fool to leave? I dont just mean physically. I mean in all aspects of life - as a father, as a friend, as a man, as a person, etc.
>>I can improve in everything, but I will say I'm a great friend to all, my kids know that they are world to me and I everything I can for them (infact even my step-daughter has said if we ever broke up she'd live with me. She's serious). As a man I give to/for everyone, anything shirt off my back, watch someone's kids, pick someone up, anything.
--she said "you are an incredible man, husband, father, suporter. she's upset with what she did, and realizes it thats why she ended it". I say you needed something I couldn't provide, and I want to be able to do that.

"OK. Saying it is one thing. Taking actions to actually show this is another thing. What is she doing to let you know she is serious? From what you describe, it sounds like she is hoping this just "goes away".

Well, nothing really we barely speak.
This has nothing to do with her WORDS. Even if you were speaking, you cant believe anything she says anyway. Look at actions.
>>I am, that's been my goal see what she's willing to do and so far nothing, except for little chit chats via text.

I'm giving her space, I'm not crowding her as I did last week with all the questions etc. So last night, I came home at 9 she was asleep. We spoke briefly at jiu jitsu, just chit chat as she worked out and my son had jiu jitsu. This morning she sat next to me in bed for about a minute, then got in the shower. Then told me my son needed stuf signe in his homework book. She texted me hows work. Thats it. Not sure if any of that is helping.
So what makes you think she "wants this to work" besides her saying "I want this to work"?

When I came home from work on friday after i spoke to a counselor for me, we spoke I told her what the counselor said. My wife just said "this [censored]".. then we went to eat pizza with the kiddo and saw amateur boxing.
I thought the counselor was for you? Why are you sharing all of it with her? Are you telling her everything I tell you also...?
>>NO!
My priority is me! I need to get right! I am doing what I can, if you have any tips please let me know. I'm trying to shake the blues, and i do most of the time, but it's the time my mind strays. I say "no more, stoppit" it's tough though, and I'm working on it. I am a good God fearing man! I do for everyone and believe I am a good father, man, brother, son, etc...

[sandi2]

She hasn't kissed you in ten years, but maybe tells you once a day ILY?

Well, she's reminding me of my own embarrassing behavior, several years ago. I was so sad and unhappy, and I started playing internet games......and like her, starting chatting with the players. At first, any flirty words and I would turn it off, immediately. But then one night I didn't. That's how I met the OM.

So anyway, I accidently found my way to the board and got help. It helped me save my M. We're still together today. There's one key factor, I had the reached the point that I needed to talk to someone. I was ready and willing to at least hear what I needed to get my head clear again. I was such a mess.

We are going to give you tools to help yourself. It's your playbook, okay? So don't be sharing it with her.

So I will also say this, my wife are 2 completely different people.

Well, now she's even more different. This is not the same girl you married.

I love my wife way too much, even now after reading the 37 steps I give her her space. But I gave her space and this happened?

It didn't happen b/c you gave her space. It happened b/c she's wayward.

So I want to make it work we have a ready made family, I'm divorced one time (she did the exact same thing btw)

Please clarify about her doing the same thing.

as I told her, if we are going to do this :WE need to have a better marriage.

I don't necessarily think you have, but sometimes the LBH thinks that if the W stopped the A then it means she's ready to work on the MR. It doesn't. In many cases, she is stalling her H, and the contact with OM has never ended. Even if it ends, she'll go through withdrawal just like being addicted to a drug. It's crazy.

If she does agree to work to save the M, then you will need a very good transparency plan. However, I think that will be a ways off yet. You have other things to learn first.

Stick with us. Post often and people will respond more.

[ktfo]

She gave me access to her phone, email etc. She ended it as far as I can tell, she stopped all contact except for the time he messaged her via "Line" it's an app. She said she was embarrased and ashamed and hoped I'd never find out she wanted us. From what I've seen, she has done all the right things. I told her if you want this to work, no game, no chat no nothing.. the second she goes back it's over. And trust me she was always playing the game and she said "after the A everything changed, she only played the game no chatting or anything".
She WAS the last person who'd I thought would do this.

I am saying nothing about this site. nothing. I wish she'd do the same though, maybe read what SHE should do.. I asked to her read for her part of this to work, and i doubt she has. I'm not going to force her, but if she's not willing to work on her and us, then tell me now. Before I get any older, and more cauliflower ear LOL first time I've giggled in a while .

[ktfo]

OH the "SHE DID THE EXACT THING" my ex-wife flew to someone else to have an affair .. I was happy when it happened I couldn't stand her (although I never showed it my kids were my priority, I even tried to work on us but she was reluctant), although I had to really question myself mentally.

Good guys finish last I suppose.

[OhGreat]

This club [censored]. Sorry you're here. Similar sitch w/o the gaming. Oh I have the joy of living in same town as om though. You'll figure this out, one way or another. And yeah nice guys do finish last. Stop being nice or what you consider nice. You know how to man up, do that, be present. Be in control of yourself and your environment. Does she work or just play games all day?

[Dawgs]

And yeah nice guys do finish last.

No truer words have been spoken. But look at how women always say they want a nice guy. When my W and I were dating, I was the nice guy but with an *ss side, too. Maybe I need to revisit that again... Trouble is, I am a nice guy. Haha

[ktfo]

OhGreat - she works, but you know with these cellphones it's 24x7 connectivity. I told her, I expected this a while ago, I said "if you're going to do have an A, leave me! Dont' put me through it" She was engulfed in this game then the EA then A.
It makes me mad..

[ktfo]

And yeah nice guys do finish last.

No truer words have been spoken. But look at how women always say they want a nice guy. When my W and I were dating, I was the nice guy but with an *ss side, too. Maybe I need to revisit that again... Trouble is, I am a nice guy. Haha

I think anyone that knows me or works with or has any thing do with me will tell you I'm one of the nicest, most selfless, people you'll ever meet. I'm also a giant dumb#ss for dealing with this! LOL hahah.. sorry, had to laugh. I'm also very very very self depricating! lol if you can't laugh at yourself then how can you laugh lol

[OhGreat]

Yeah it does. I can't even get the last name bc w knows what happens next. So really, similar sitches. What happens now: you are going to change you and ur w will start to unravel. She'll test you and be depressed and piss you off.
So hang in there. It means you're doing good. What you're about to do takes discipline and courage. I think you'll be ok.

[Dawgs]

I think anyone that knows me or works with or has any thing do with me will tell you I'm one of the nicest, most selfless, people you'll ever meet. I'm also a giant dumb#ss for dealing with this! LOL hahah.. sorry, had to laugh. I'm also very very very self depricating! lol if you can't laugh at yourself then how can you laugh lol

I have been told many times that I am a nice guy. I always avoided conflict in marriage, out of fear I guess. Funny thing, when we were dating, I was very much a nice guy but had a little *sshole edge to me. Just a little. It took me a lot of reflecting to see how being so nice in the marriage was probably one of the things that led to our problems now.

I totally understand the laughing at yourself part! I do the same.

The thing to remember is, while last guys do tend to finish last, those who win always win big.