Well the guts of it, I believe it was approx. about this time last year she started an EA with some guy online she met through a game she was playing. March of this year she drove down to North Carolina to run a marathon which she did, but she also had an affair with this guy. She ended it shortly after this in early April, she says because she was ashamed of herself, and what she did to me/us. September I had to take my daughter (hers actually) to court cause of some stupid issue, not our fault. So I had pictures on W ipad, as I was clearing off the pictures I found a screenshot of a conversation with this guy where he stated the following facts: he said her name, they spent 2 days together, she's still his fantasy, and he wasn't trying to reconcile which I believe he was.
I sent it to her and said WTF, I hope it was worth it. She told me it was her friend with the same name that is a known cheater and cookoo. So I went along with it , but it didn't sit with me. 2 thursdays ago I was on the ipad looking at guitar scales, when I saw pop ups from people chatting and it had sexual innuendo. I talked to her about it last friday, I also remembered her friend with the same name was pregnant at that time, it didn't fit. She tried to talk me off the ledge, no it's all in your head... she didn't do anything when she was in NC. (funny I feel like a total POS, she called me hours after her race and said I think I'm going to stay and extra day and I said ok LOL fool). So last weekend I was pissed, I knew she wouldn't admit it. She did everything right though to make me feel better, she made love to me 4 times, she was an awesome wife to me for the first time in 10 years. Last monday after working out I went home and went through the ipad more, and found these GD screenshots and more that I wasn't even paying attention too what was in them. All the chatting going on. I found another message from this that was a broadcast to their whole team and again. I sent them to her about 1140pm last monday night, and thats when my whole world came to crushing blow.
I'm 46, she's 42. from everything i've read (I've seen and individual counselor last friday and we saw a couple counselor saturday) she's done the right thing. she's been open, answered all questions. She told me he started it. FOund out he's from NC, so she went to him. She said she ended it after she returned because she says was ashamed of what she did. "She didn't mean for this to happen".
So I will also say this, my wife are 2 completely different people. I'm Italian so I'm a very emotional loving caring openly type person, I'm selfless to a fault. She's the polar opposite, she's ice not sure when all this happened. even now I'm lucky to get an "i love you" 1x a day. I read that she should be "appologizing up and down" which she hasn't. I love my wife way too much, even now after reading the 37 steps I give her her space. But I gave her space and this happened? So I want to make it work we have a ready made family, I'm divorced one time (she did the exact same thing btw) I have 2 from my 1st D22 S19(withme) her D20 we have a S9.
As I type this I'm starting to get messed up again, recounting all of this. I also will say that I have really started to think Do I really want this to work out? She doesn't meet my physical or emotional needs. She hasn't kissed me in 10+ years, but she could do it with this guy. I'm trying to save this marriage with hope we'll be better, but I don't think she'll ever be willing on trying to work on her issues... she has no desire to try to do for me emotionally or physically.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I have a life! I train brazilian jiu jitsu everyday it's my lifes passion.. it's the only thing thats made me happy for the last 3 years ...
ktfo - Im sorry you are here. Have you read DB or DR yet?
Also, the "Get a Life" thing is not to say you hae 'no' life. But it's extremely important to rebuild your self worth and self confidence at a time like this. And the best way to do that is to start new hobbies and make new friends. Have you looked into that?
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
No I haven't read it yet I'm hoping to start though along with several other books. Thanks! I will delete my history, although she doesn't go on my MacBook. I'm not manipulating her at all, she says she wants to be with me she wants us that she chose me and never intended for what happened to happen. I'll keep my smartbutt remarks to myself but that's what she says.
I have a life! I train brazilian jiu jitsu everyday it's my lifes passion.. it's the only thing thats made me happy for the last 3 years ...
ktfo - Im sorry you are here. Have you read DB or DR yet?
Also, the "Get a Life" thing is not to say you hae 'no' life. But it's extremely important to rebuild your self worth and self confidence at a time like this. And the best way to do that is to start new hobbies and make new friends. Have you looked into that?
I understand! Thanks! So you all know, I've started the process of re-believing in ME! Building ME back to who I know I am! I'm a good Man! I'm a Man of standards and beliefs! I do right for the right reasons, I'm selfless and put other ahead of me. I help those that need help. I'll give you the shirt off my back in a moments notice. I have morals. I'm being postiive, being strong, being good! I will be A BETTER ME! I WILL NOT let this break me down, even though it's a struggle at times. I've started the following: I will not contact her she has to initiate I will not hover or anything it's up to her. She needs to figure herself out and figure out how to make this right by me. I did nothing wrong. I have done nothing but support her in everything! Her workouts, her personal training, her competing in a Jiu Jitsu tournament this past august. her wanting to do a physique competition. her diets her everything, I support her I love her so very very very much. now if she could reciprocate and show me that would be great. The worst part is how much I love her!
I keep reminding myself, I DESERVE TO BE LOVED! I DESERVE to be HAPPY! I want to be happy!
As my Professor said when I got promoted: "He's one of the most positive, most selfless, most giving, caring and toughest people I know." Brought me to tears that someone see's such great things in me. I don't do what I do for that, but sometimes it's nice to hear good things about me.
I don't hear it at home. LOL funny, I left my phone at a bar during a MicroBrew night and didn't realize it till the next day. I called they had. MY best buddy said "thats because your a good man. You've earned that goodness and good karma"
Hell for a man that's 46 years old (as of 10/30) you can't tell. I'm in very good shape, better shape than 95% of the guys younger than me. I went to train and rolled (sparring) with a bunch of guys bigger, more advanced and younger than me. They told my Teacher which he then said to me "you made impression up at the main school. They though you were in your 20/30's. They couldn't believe how tough and strong you were"
I'm not a rippling stud but I have my abs, I'm lean and I give everyone a tough time no matter what rank.
Careful here, ktfo. Your W didnt just decide one day to up and have an affair. You described some problems in your marriage. This is not ALL her. In general, Id guess the breakdown in your marriage is somewhere close to 50-50. So, yes, you did some things wrong.
BUT that doesnt mean you have to KEEP doing things wrong. Its time to reflect back and think about what you did to contaminate your marriage. And figure out how to fix that in yourself going forward.
it's my lifes passion.. it's the only thing thats made me happy for the last 3 years ...