Keep that focus Judy. You are doing great! You are an inspiration.
Fibromyalgia. My dad had it. Far less frequent in men. From what I know of it, depression is a huge part of it. I remember that with dad. But, with constant pain, how could you not be a little depressed at least. It sounds like you have a pretty tough time health wise. Make sure you take care of yourself. You are so worth it.
Wishing you the best!
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
Ancaire I am happy that you have recognized that you are internalizing your emotions. It will come out as physical discomfort. I have dealt with my emotions the same way but am getting better at it. Stuffing everything deep down inside really does nothing positive for you. Keep up the good work!
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
PP...I am on such a learning journey. My childhood was chaos; my dad was an alcoholic from a long line of alcoholics. I was the eldest child, and the classic overachiever in hopes of being "good enough".
I've been exploring the topic of codependency lately, and have had my eyes opened in surprising ways. It's almost too much to deal with all at once. I've made an observation about myself...I am not an alcoholic...but I definitely have alcoholic traits. In my case, it manifested in overeating. The damage to my body and health has been extreme. I am getting a handle on this, but it is so darned hard!
I had an alcohol/depressive disorder related episode (first one ever) a couple of weeks ago that landed me in huge trouble. After learning that I should not drink with the depressive disorder, I vowed never to drink again. I never craved it before, so no problem, right?
Hah! Tell someone they cannot have something, and suddenly that is all they can think about. So, now I'm fighting a double whammy...fighting off food and booze cravings. Who knew that stirring the pot would bring up all this crap?
I'm going to start working a 12 step program from home until my car is repaired, then likely find a weekly Alanon meeting to attend. I wanted to reach out to you because I've been so impressed with your recovery. I so desperately want to be a success like you! I also wanted to let you know you weren't alone here. My self-esteem, never great to begin with, is really taking a beating with finding out all my areas of dysfunction. Like you, I am determined. I want a full, healthy, happy life. I'm determined to do whatever is needed to get where I want to be.
I've been so inspired by you. Thanks for being do honest.
Wanted to answer this here so that you caught it Judy. You wrote some extremely open and powerful statements above.
First off, I applaud you for taking a stand in your life and stepping away from a FOO pattern. It's extremely difficult to do and most people won't and/or can't make that level of change. You're a rockstar.
You and I are very similar, alcohol wasn't at the point in my life where anyone thought it was a problem. I didn't get drunk and was drinking about 12 beers a week. When i went to AA and said that I got a lot of strange looks. I don't think I have "the allergy", and if I were to take a sip of something right now I wouldn't wake up in a gutter three weeks from now not knowing how many people I'd taken out in my car.
But it was an issue for me in that I was using it (and other unhealthy means) to cope. And that was not good or productive at all. It sounds like food is your real addiction, or as I tell people "addiction" was my addiction. I cycled between pot (main one), alcohol, work, Facebook (checking every 5 minutes ALL day), porn, Twitter, making lists of future projects, etc. Basically, I couldn't be in my own skin for more than about 2 minutes without needing a state changer.
There were periods in my M when I "quit". No drinking, no pot, no internet, no nothing, but I never addressed the self esteem issues that were underneath. That was the kicker. Like you, when I "quit" drinking, I'd wake up thinking about it, never before! When I "quit" looking at porn I'd hear my computer calling me! Again, the real issue wasn't being addressed.
No matter what the manifestation of your addiction is, it's just that, the manifestation. What you're after and it sounds like you're working on, is the root. Why do you need to over eat? What is it numbing? That's the million dollar question. It won't absolve you of responsible living for the rest of your life, but it will help you turn the volume down on the craving.
Truthfully, I'm fortunate. I don't crave pot any more, smoking it as an adult actually seems juvenile and absurd. I don't crave alcohol any more (although the Winter brews were pretty darn tasty), but miss hanging out with my friends over rounds of beers. I don't crave any kind of distraction to be honest, and am loving being present.
I wanted to live with presence for years, so the decision to get and stay sober filled a huge desire for me. It filled me as opposed to taking something away from me. That's a big distinction.
My recommendation is to not focus on what you're giving up or what you're missing but to replace it with healthy activities. If you're salsa dancing 5 nights a week, watching YouTube videos on salsa dancing, thinking about salsa dancing, and practicing salsa moves in your head, there isn't much room to think about booze and food. You're not missing out on anything but the cycle of addiction which is no damn fun!
If you ever need a hand with what you're going through on the food/alcohol front, please reach out to me. I reach out to people daily on it just to make sure I'm unable to even begin going down any kind of slope, slippery or otherwise.
Also, revel in the strength that it takes to tackle your demons. Wear it like a secret badge of honor. You don't need to become the poster woman for sobriety, but every time you enter a room know that you're strong as (censored) and doing something so many can't.
You truly are stronger than you know. I believe it and I believe in your ability to live a life filled with esteem, strength and personal power.
Hope you're OK after today's blip.
Big hug,
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
PigPen, what powerful yet beautiful message. Ancaire I second PigPen's thought although I don't think I could have said it so eloquently. What I've learned is I just don't want it any more. I like looking at my life with a clear head and don't need to escape from reality. Be strong Ancaire, be well
PP really did write a beautiful support mesage, didn't he? I never could have imagined, when I arrived here desperate to save my marriage, that I would wind up taking the journey of a lifetime without ever leaving my home. I've made the acquaintance of some of the finest people I've ever been privileged to know. I've received support and love at a time when I was despondent. The open sharing, the lessons learned, the willingness to reach out and help others. My life is forever changed for the better!
My marriage...haven't given up on H, but he sure isn't the center of my universe any longer. LOL
On a scary day, with a (literally) trembling heart, I was blessed to log in and be able to laugh and smile, knowing I'm in the best place I could possibly be.
I'm so filled with gratitude and joy right now, if a light just flashed nearby...that was me.
Today I was in the ER...had to be wheeled in because I couldn't stand up straight. I'm hooked up to wires and tubes. Getting oxygen. I've already had an abnormal EKG, and 2 doses of nitro at this point. H has been supportive and helpful, concerned even. I had listed my health history yesterday and used it to apply for aid and part-time disability from home.
The doc asked something I needed the papers to reference for an answer. I handed them to H after. He's reading through it, and it suddenly hits him my "imaginary" health problems are very well documented. He asked what the info was for, and I told him.
Picture this: He begins to lecture me that I can work a full-time job, I just have to set my mind to it. I'm lying there, in pain, just looking at him like he's lost his mind, when suddenly monitors start going off like crazy. Staff rush in, demanding to know what just happened. I'm crying, because it HURTS! H is reminded I need to be kept calm.
I'd asked my daughter to come to the hospital and take over getting me to the cardiologist for H, so he can get back to work. He took off as soon as she got there not long after. When we got back home today, much later in the afternoon, H was in rare form. He was so ugly to me D took him to task and he left. I think he got one heck of a reality check today. He really is a douche bag, and there's no way the kids are going to overlook this.
Ha! I was sweet, kind, and thankful for his help. He was nice, too, up until reality smacked him hard in the face. I think Karma may be doing her work without any help from me.
I'm resting, medicated, and semi-comfi. Have to let the monitor tell doc our next move. Stress or no, my heart sustained more damage. I'm sad about that.
Birthday #49 tomorrow. Yeah, me. So very grateful I can vent to you guys!!!
I'm so sorry your going through all this. You have a wonderful daughter and I am happy your children are close by to support you. Stay strong. Sounds like your in good hands. Now it's really time to prioritize. Rest, health, kids. Issues and all thoughts about husband get put on back burner. You have to come first.
Thinking of you and hope you can go home soon. Hugs Julie
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
I said you need to make sure you go to your IC, not ICU...simple mistake...:) now get better.
How wonderful that you got the medical attention yout needed. I hope that stress can be reduced soon...any way you can!
Have you tried to meditate? I took my wife once, her reaction was unbelievable. She described some real sensations she kept feeling during the mediations and we looked up what they meant...it was the flowing of energy getting blocked in the center where resentment was stored. I just laughed.
Point is, I walked out of there that first day basically flowing. It was awesome. I will get back to it now that soccer is done for the winter. I need to practice more so I can do it on my own as a daily ritual as part of spiritual health.
Emotional night tonight...talked for a couple of hours with my twins about past issues. Out of all the kids, my babies suffered the most as the depressive disorder got worse. I love them so desperately - it kills me to know how much I hurt them when I withdrew from the world to the extent I did.
I'm making amends where I can in my life. This is a really important step for me. In cases where my actions have caused such deep harm, it's excruciating to dig it all up to apologize and lay my soul so bare. On the other hand, my boys now know, for certain, how much they mean to me - how deeply sorry I am for not managing myself in a more effective manner - I realize how much my illness harmed them, too.
Both offered me forgiveness. Both told me how much they love me and always will. Both told me I could make amends by keeping my promise to become as healthy as I possibly can in all areas. I don't deserve them, but I am so thankful for my youngest children right now. I am thankful for their loving, generous hearts.
This making amends is hard work! I feel scraped raw inside. I have no intention of stopping before I get to the other side. I have a feeling this is some of the most important work in my life.
