The Next Day...

[Vanilla]

Mahhty

I apologise for going into alarm mode. I wasn't strong enough to handle the triggers and withdrew. This is unacceptable to me and I sincerely regret any disruption on your thread.

I should know better and I hope we are ok?

I would like to repair our R, if that is ok with you. This is your thread and it is about your journey.

V

[Vanilla]

So why is self love so important to our health and wellbeing?

Why do we connect less well with others when we can not connect to ourselves?

Those of us in tough R can be disconnected to our higher spirit and to ourselves.

What makes us squeeze ourselves into an R which may not fit?

We ignore the signs and fall in fantasy with an ideal. We make the other our fantasy when they are merely human as we are. Flawed in ways that don’t fit our flaws. When the truth is known reality bites. We observe the actual rather than our dream and find the dream wanting. We seek the fantasy to fulfil ourselves when we should be doing this for ourselves.

We feel being lonely and confuse being alone with loneliness. Loneliness is internal and a lack of wholeness within us. When we are unable to be alone to live within ourselves them we fear being abandoned, we fear that we are unlovable and in essence it is ourselves we have abandoned, the stillness within is the enemy without. When we find our own voice we become that who we are meant to be. There will never be loneliness again, even if we lived in splendid monk like insolation.

We can confuse ordinary humanity and connection with romantic love. We believe friendship and love walk hand in hand. When we have those feelings for our self then there is no need for these from others and we seek better connection from our partners.

We become sad to say no to someone who needs us for fear of hurting them, even when in the long run we know the hurt will be greater. By hurting others in the longer term we hurt ourselves.

We look no further than looks, the dressing, the outer shell of looks, sexuality, dress or va va vroom. The superficial is valued above the enduring.

We carry another off their feet by our all consuming desire or we permit them to do this to us.

We respond as an instinct rather than as a true involved desire.

We use lust which within its period it looses lustre.

We ignore another’s obvious fatal faults, our deal breakers are compromised. We compromise that which should not be compromised.

We chose to be special snowflakes, our partners will treat us differently to the way they treated others. Failing to see hurt people hurt people.

We are sexual and believe that heals, we bring children into an R which should never have been, wanting that child to heal us.

We work on an R rather than on ourselves, especially when the other has little interest in us or an R.

We stay quiet failing to enforce boundaries rather than hold our ground.

We believe lies rather than face the truth. We live in denial.

All of this is because in our own eyes we are incomplete on our own. We are enough just as we are.

Forcing our wayward to come to heel, to relinquish their journey for ours is to my mind showing lack of love for ourselves.I have let my WH go to find his path, be with his current OW, spend his life as he sees fit. I have already blown one PA wide open, he found another one. WH is following the path he has to follow. I have been NC for 7 months now, complete total darkness, I have done NC before LRT. I GAL, I IC, I repair.

Vanilla loves Vanilla because she is who is she is.

My simple love letter to Vanilla is:

You are love, you are connected, imperfect in your eyes, and fulfilling your destiny in God's eyes as best you can. Please know dearest Vanilla that despite all as long as there is love and you seek to operate from love that is all that can be asked of you. Between us, Vanilla and her higher spirit we can work to become our truth. Being alone won't make you lonely Vanilla, if you lose sight of who you are then you will be empty. As one of God's creatures you are as you should be, learning that which you need to learn.

What your higher spirit reaches for will stand on the day of judgement.

Like a game of Candy Crush we can keep playing the level until we get the point and each setback is a new experience to learn.

Being with a wayward and an abuser is tough, learn that lesson, face the pain and move forward to a new level.

I love you Vanilla, you are OK just as you are.

V

[ep0215]

V! You are back! I have missed you. I love your letter to sweet V.

[mahhhty]

Thanks V.

I agree that in my R I have witnessed some of what you wrote but not all. I do not regret marrying XW. I still feel that was the right decision. She suffered during our 2nd Child's Birth. On top of that I grew distant during a time she needed me (due to promotion and work). Then her kidney on top of that. When I did come home I wore her down, was critical, and she planned her exit. I believe that life caught us off guard. My issues with the process is at no point did we have conversations on how to fix it. We spent thousands (or I did) on how to separate but not how to join. She now chooses work over family and the OM is a coworker that she formerly degraded and disliked. Friends have also told me that he is a smoker. As for her social media it is more reminiscent of a college student's than a mother's.

I had a long conversation with some friends about their feelings with the D. All of my friends liked her a lot and some of them were friends with her as well. They are all feeling the loss. A good friend sent me this text... "She has one person in mind and that is herself, before u and before her own kids. She never gave u a chance so it's only fair that u stop trying to give her one. I know easier said than done, but u need to continue telling yourself that her bullshit and lack of respect and love for u is not worth it. Your kids will understand in time, whether it's two years from now or 10. At the end of the day the only person who should be looking at themselves bad in the mirror is her."

I'm confident my kids deserve more. What I need to continue doing is giving them the best I have to offer and remove her from my thoughts day by day. I do seem to be stuck, it is only when I look back do I see the progress from where I came.

[mahhhty]

My letter to me...

You have attempted to shoulder the blame for the entire situation, even though it can't completely be your burden to carry. This was your attempt from removing pain from others. You have read, studied, analyzed, diagnosed... tried anything possible to change the outcome. Because that is who you are. You gave it everything you could have without receiving support from her. At your core, and as a loving former-partner and parent, you firmly believe you can fix anything. But this break is not yours to fix. You had grand optimistic ideas about your family's forever after.

You should feel proud of the effort you put in. The growth that came from it... your relationship with the kids, your physical fitness, your new business, and your growth. It is true you understand the practices but struggle to put them into place. However understand that you don't have that opportunity.

You are loving, compassionate, hard working, optimistic, caring. You are a visionary who is successful. However the definition of that word is now changing for you, which is your greatest area of growth. You constantly measure yourself against standards hard to achieve. Don't be so hard on yourself. Understand that all have weak areas and those areas give you room for improvement. Regret exists for the outcome, but you should not regret the effort you put in. Learn to forgive completely, but not forget.

She left a family willing to work to fix any and all items. Only to be with someone else immediately after. She sees her own children less than 50% of the time. She is awaiting major surgery. She does not love or respect you. She is rewriting her story and her future. You must let her. She will feel pain for the loss of her family in her own time and way. You must let her. This is not your nature, but out of love and respect you must let her pave her path and walk it. Letting go is particularly hard for you because of your character, attachment, circumstances and your loyalty to your kids and idea of family. This is an area that you must now grow. You have been loyal past the end.

When people meet you, they are intrigued by your current work in aerospace, by your pictures and experiences with lovely, polite, kind and caring children, by your future prospects on business, and grandiose ideas on future. You are almost 33. Your life is yours to live. You are loved. You are strong. You have a lot left to give. You were built for fun. Now have it.

Live your life.
M

[TxHubby]

In my experience with a cheating wife, I'd have to say your gut is never wrong. I just wish you had found out before the D. She got confrontational in the response email because she was having an "oh sh*t" moment because you hit too close to the truth for her comfort.

[Vanilla]

Your letter is your story, and it's wonderful.

V

[mahhhty]

TxH - I bet you are right. I haven't been too confrontational or ever sent her a truth dart. I'm sure you are probably right.

V - Thanks you V! I have a hard time writing about myself. When I kayak or do things I am passionate about I am a cocky goofball, but when I have to talk about myself or write about myself it is much more difficult for me.

[ep0215]

Your letter is beautiful and hope you do go have some fun!

[Gmum]

The second to last paragraph in your letter really speaks to me. I will try to take that to heart as well.

For what it's worth, you're extremely eloquent.
You should continue to write love letters.