The Evolution of Ancaire

[WhyUs]

On the boat analogy. Make sure to dock in calm waters. When you are docked and the water is flowing the barnacles will attach and grow at a faster rate. Remember this when choosing a boat slip. The dock hands wont tell you.

[Mona52]

You are doing great. I promise your hard work will start to return dividends. Just be flexible about what you call a dividend. You are working for good things, but good things will start to pop out of the weirdest places, things you completely were not expecting.

I am so happy you are getting great help for codependency. Just remember not to fix that label to yourself with superglue. That is not you, you are not that. That may have defined your past, but it does not define you. You define you.

[Ancaire]

I promise to not stick myself with a label while I am on this journey. I'm also not apologizing for any illnesses, but only the things I could have managed better. My next step is learning to love myself. As I'm wrapping up the book on codependency, I've begun a new book called The Gifts of Imperfection...about releasing expectations and embracing who you are.

Vanilla was so very correct - once you know, you can't unknow. This journey I'm on is really exciting! I'm learning how to build and maintain really great boundaries, I can spot manipulation, I'm learning to apologize and let go, I'm creating and tracking goals...I really believe I'm on the cusp of something great, but I need to really understand and embrace these basic truths first. No idea what is headed my way, but I'm really excited about it!

For the first time ever, H is in the house and I could care less. My deepest desire is that I don't have to speak to him at all today. He just annoys me more than anything with his attempts at manipulation and condescension. Just last week, my heart would speed up when he was home! Still physically weak, but improving...I'll just keep "resting" today. I feel like I'm on some kind of secret mission. LOL

I'm filling my brain and soul with so much life-altering information, while acting completely bland and boring so H has no idea how much I have changed. My instincts are confirming this is the path to follow for now.

Thank you so much for the support and light directed to me. I accept it, gratefully, with an open heart and open mind. Life is good, and getting even better!

[Vanilla]

Anc

I read about your concerns about alcohol dependency. Everything you say tends me to think you have an issue with hypoglycaemia, this is a biggie for me too. It might also explain some of the crazy town reactions too. Alcohol, carbs, sugar can all drive blood sugar cravings, it could be worth checking bloods for this. It's relatively cheap to do. A diabetes check too may be needed.

Try googling hypoglycaemia see if anything shakes loose.

Alcohol cravings often come from sugar.

This is from web MD
When Your Blood Sugar Gets Too Low
(continued)
In this article
Symptoms
Diabetes Drugs Linked to Hypoglycemia
Diet and Hypoglycemia
Treatment
When You Have Low Blood Sugar
If You Pass Out
Do Not Drive When You Have Low Blood Sugar
Preventing Hypoglycemia
Treatment
If you have diabetes and think you have hypoglycemia, check your blood sugar level.

Do your levels often drop after meals that include a lot of sugars? Change your diet. Avoid sugary foods, and eat frequent small meals during the day.

If you get low blood sugar when you haven't eaten, have a snack before bedtime, such as a protein or a more complex carbohydrate.

Your doctor may find that you take too much insulin that peaks toward the evening-to-morning hours. In that case, she may lower your insulin dose or change the time when you get your last dose of it.


When You Have Low Blood Sugar
First, eat or drink 15 grams of a fast-acting carbohydrate, such as:

Three to four glucose tablets
One tube of glucose gel
Four to six pieces of hard candy (not sugar-free)
1/2 cup fruit juice
1 cup skim milk
1/2 cup soft drink (not sugar-free)
1 tablespoon honey (put it under your tongue so it gets absorbed into your bloodstream faster)
Fifteen minutes after you've eaten a food with sugar in it, check your blood sugar again. If your blood sugar is still less than 70 mg/dL, eat another serving of one of the foods listed above. Repeat these steps until your sugar becomes normal.

If You Pass Out
Hypoglycemia may make you pass out. If so, you'll need someone to give you a glucagon injection.

Glucagon is a prescription medicine that raises blood sugar, and you may need it if you have severe hypoglycemia. It's important that your family members and friends know how to give the injection in case you have a low blood sugar reaction.

If you see someone having a severe hypoglycemic reaction, call 911 or take him or her to the nearest hospital for treatment. Do not try to give an unconscious person food, fluids, or insulin, as they may choke.

Do Not Drive When You Have Low Blood Sugar
It's very dangerous. If you're driving and you have hypoglycemia symptoms, pull off the road, check your blood sugar, and eat a sugary food. Wait at least 15 minutes, check your blood sugar, and repeat these steps if necessary. Eat a protein and carbohydrate source (such as peanut butter crackers or cheese and crackers) before you drive on.

Be prepared. Keep a sugar source in your car at all times for emergencies.


V

[Zephyr]

Hey anc, from my thread I wanted to bring to convo to you for continuity.

First I want to tell you thank you for being such an amazing soul. The fact that you are here despite 'the husband butt-headedness' tells me loads about you. Reading your posts over the last couple of months tells me so much more!

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From my thread:

I see a lot of myself in your wife's past behaviors. Our situations are different because you didn't dive off the deep end like my H, and become an abusive butt-head. I truly realize that until H comes to his senses and apologizes for his treatment of me, I'm better off with complete NC/total darkness.

In my self-reflection, though, as I'm striving to learn all I can about myself so that I can fix what needs fixing and grow into the best person I can be, I see so clearly my own actions and behaviors that led to the demise of my M. I understand I am in no way responsible for H' s choices. I am responsible for his getting to a point that there was a choice. Does that make sense? I accept responsibility for me and my actions. I acknowledge I helped put H in a bad position. I'm NOT responsible for his choice of behaviors.

I'm attempting to get to the point..LOL

My behaviors are on me. I want to fix them. I'd like H to someday see that I heard what he said, took his complaints to heart, and worked on it. How can that happen if we're totally NC? We share adult children, but until the day he apologizes for treating me so cruelly, I plan to not speak to him...ever.

You may say it's too early for me to worry about it. Divorce is inevitable at this point. I'm as fine with that as I can be since he's out actively bedding OW. Is there redemption possible? Does a man completely stop loving? Is he so hurt by her apparent apathy that his heart turns cold? I just want him to know how deeply sorry I am for not having been what he needed me to be. I could have done more, Z...and I didn't.

Maybe I just need to accept that there is no real way to tell. I'm trying to look into the future, aren't I? What can you males tell me, from your point of view, what can I do to gain forgiveness? I didn't cheat or lie...I just withdrew to the point of not being there at all. H says I really hurt him. There's probably truth in that statement...No happily married person jumps into MLC.

I'm shaking my head at myself right now. Clearly, I still deeply love my H. He is toxic to me at the moment. NC is the best way to proceed. I would cut off my arm to save him. I'm so worried about the cost to his soul his awful choices are causing. (And I hear the chorus...let him go)

So, Z...since I see so much of myself in your wife, what happened that changed the dynamic? Do you have advice for me with that type of behavior in mind? I've given you tons of questions here, you and the other guys...but it's so helpful to get a male perspective.

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There are a lot of questions in there, I think some were for me and some were for you :

You have chosen to look deep inside and change the way that you behave / react / live. I didn't say FIX, because you are not broken like so many counselors or 'experts' say. I think that it is Bullshit to say someone is broken in that context.

I think that we are all wired differently and the fact that you can see your issues in the past is GOLDEN. if you can continue to look at your history within your marriage, there is hope. You are right, your were not responsible for your Husbands choice, neither is he responsible for yours. As for redemption, that is always possible while you keep the door open and the bridge unburnt.

Now to specific questions in terms of your husband. I can answer from my perspective, first hand accounts of men in my position and second hand accounts in postings that I have read.

Your husband is still so very angry. plain and simple, angry because his needs were not met. angry because he was not appreciated - or shown that appreciation. He is angry that for so long he was not happy with the marriage the way he thought it should have been. Angry that you were closed off from him.

Is that on you, well mostly NO and maybe just a little yes .

No because he is responsible for his own happiness and should not have relied on you for that aspect of his upkeep. We rely so much on the woman’s validating our manliness, etc….too much so really. I would say most men have no idea that this is how it should be. I didn't, that is for sure. we have these expectations on how our marriage should be, nice guys are terrible about that...when we have unmet expectations it turns into resentment...resentment ultimately turns to anger. The woman is responsible for the emotional upkeep of the marriage, when they don’t $hit just falls apart. Men have no idea how to make that work, really most can’t cope with that and they get fed up and angry and leave. I see in on the boards, In my neighborhood and in my family. Sad, yes.

I've read thousands of posting in marriages where the men just get pi$$ed that they are not appreciated, made to feel special, not shown the 'love' they 'deserve'. (two way street, I know, but you are here so I can't tell him ) It always turns into anger eventually. That is on HIM. If we were all emotionally aware, and able to meet our own emotional needs then things would be different I guess, but that is not how things are.

But there was a yes in there too. That comes down to how we get to the point where we stop really showing appreciation for things. men, especially prototypical nice guys need that show of appreciation for them working, doing, whatever. Eventually they stop. We know that acts of service, physical touch, WOA, gifts, QT, all of it is a gift of love...just different ways to express it. When we start to live without fulfilling those most precious LL's for our spouses, they almost start to reject the other ones out of anger. I see it all the time where a wife thinks she is doing something nice by giving husband a nice gift and he basically disregards it or whatever, because it really isn't what he wanted as his reward for his endeavors.

I am not saying this is the answer to your quandaries as what can you do, I am just giving a background for why sooo many husbands get PO'd and snap. he finds someone after years of 'disappointment' and 'unhappiness' that shows him appreciation or a little twinkle and he is gone. This is not that dissimilar with women ( boy do I know that the door swings both ways )...it is mostly just different love languages. Was there something in his past that exacerbated this, maybe. Yours, maybe.

So what can you do?. He needs to go down his own path. One thing you can do, validation of his pain can work wonders. He is angry at you still and has love for you. As long as there is anger in his heart, though that will be hard for him to change. That MLC path will be his to follow. You can start, though to change the path home. you read about validating your MLC'r, right...not just what he is saying now or what his feelings are now, but validating his pain from longing or not understanding or wanting to feel appreciated.

If you are still keeping score about who did what and when, that needs to stop. I am not talking about whipping the slate clean, because the past has information that you need and you still have to evaluate all of what has gone on here. I am talking about stopping any retribution for his actions and keeping track. Forgiveness will need to come, YES IT WILL, that is the only way you are going to make it past this whole thing, but that is for you!

As to their heart being cold, I have no idea how long your husband has been in his 'state' he could be a long ways off from being ready to even looking at himself. I think that those folks on the MLC forum will give you a better idea of how truly far away his is from seeking a way home.

At some point, " I just want him to know how deeply sorry I am for not having been what he needed me to be. I could have done more, Z...and I didn't " will need to be said, written to him to basically explain that. A letter of explanation and understanding of what was the undoing from your side…. if I heard that from my wife, think I would faint. Really I would. At some point, just not right now. Maybe one of the vets would be able to handle the when part. Things need to be a little calmer for that sort of thing to make an impact…if they are just fuming, nothing you say will make a bit of difference.

One more thought of the future:
He might be toxic right now, yes...lets just imagine something, what if he wasn't. just imagine if his heart wasn't cold to you. just imagine that he is no longer angry, would be come home? What would be different this time? He spent 20+ years of his life with you, how would this go around be any different. Is what he would need from you something that you could be?

Can you be the compassionate / appreciative person he would need moving forward? was his desires for physical intimacy / QT / WOA something that you feel would compromise who you are now or would want to be in the future ( I don't know him from Adam so forgive me if I've missed the boat on my guess of what his LL's are)? I am not suggesting you need to turn yourself into a sex slave (please don't think that is where I am going like that). I am only asking if his needs could be met by you in the future...is that something you could do or is it just too far apart for it to be realistic?

As for now, you keep focus on you for now. Forgiveness for yourself and working towards the rebuilding of the connection with your kids. You keep with your IC sessions - no excuses. When you have interactions with your H...STFU & Validate, you need to evaluate your boundaries and make sure you are protecting yourself. Your 180's can be shown during those times you see him. He will see them, I promise, especially when he has an expected response from you and you show him a pleasant change instead.

One more thing I wanted to touch on with you before I forget and it is a little off topic, it is a concept of emotional currency. You had mentioned a sort of bartering system with sex that it seemed like happened. I think that there is some truth about how I’ve witnessed things in my marriage as well as in others, where I thought I should get x if I did Y. maybe that was how my relationship started, not sure about yours. But if you think about that…was there a system in place that just changed? Was that something to look at. Now for me I know now how that cannot work, physical affection and sex are not currency, they are gifts in and of themselves and the gifts must be given of free will otherwise it is not a gift at all. I am pretty sure most men do not see it that way.

Sorry, but I typed this all rather quickly and much of it on my phone, so sorry for bad grammar or spelling or punctuation or continuity. I know I type too much and am not concise in my thoughts too, so for that I apologize if confusing.

I will be around if you have any questions, I would love to be able to help!!! Hopefully if I am off base, you can tell me thanks-but-no-thanks or someone will be glad to tear this apart better than I.

(((Ancaire)))

[Vanilla]

://www.diabetes.co.uk/driving-and-hypoglycaemia.html

From my diabetes uk site add http.

V

[25yearsmlc]

Dear Judy,

Per your request, I am stopping by your thread. I read most of your first thread and skimmed up to here. First, I'm so very sorry you are here. It's a wonderful place to be for a crappy reason. (OH a few questions first, as I am confused about the number of children you have and if any are his children from his first marriage. And are they all in the same geographic area as you? )

In one earlier post, you discuss your "hatred" of your h. I think it might really be anger. And imo, the difference is mainly that anger CAN be temporary, whereas hatred usually is not.

As you are discovering, your anger (or hatred, and the distinction is not important for the specific point I'm trying to make)

is HARMING YOU. Therefore, you must release it. (Of course easier said than done.)

I am not saying it's easy to do at all, but it's also not complicated. Meaning, there's no argument FOR being angry over time.

It's NOT helping you detach - so much as it is morphing grief into anger, b/c for many people, feeling our anger is more accessible or tolerable, than grief.

When you referred to your "heart failure", do you mean arrhythmias, COPD, actual heart attacks, or what? Needless to say, emotions play a role in our physical health.

Here's a quote about anger that I found helpful: "Holding onto anger to punish someone else, ---is like lighting yourself on fire - -

-- to get smoke in their eyes."

Betrayed spouses often feel the wayward spouse is not deserving of forgiveness and therefore they choose to hold onto their anger as a misguided attempt at being fair.

But like I said^^, feeling the anger or hatred and negativity in you, absolutely harms you more than it will ever harm him. This was a huge revelation for me when I was in your shoes. In fact, my anger at h seemed to justify his choices to leave.

(My situation was not identical to yours. But the issues of anger & sense of injustice I felt, were extreme. So some of your comments reminded me of that dark time).

Fortunately I had a DB coach who was a Godsend for me. I also had a T/MC and he was good (my h liked him, which was a first). But for specific suggestions and aid, I think my DB coach was the single best resource I availed myself of. Please consider it. You may say it's expensive but considering the cost of divorce and poor healthy, I'd say I got my money's worth and more.

My DB Coach's core advice at the beginning of my "adventure" was

to 1) Lose the Anger & Remain Calm, (at least in front of your h). The anger simply does not help you or the relationship or your family. Period.

2) Applaud loudly for the 1% of positives he does (NOT b/c you necessarily want to reconcile, but b/c you want more of the positives & less of the crap behaviors from him) AND

3) Do NOT fuel his negative perceptions/justifications for leaving with "X" behaviors.
Instead, Counter the negatives He uses to justify wanting out of the m, with new different and positive behaviors. For instance, let's say he can't stand that you are "always late for things."

You become the epitome of PUNCTUALITY and arrive on time (or early) for every appointment/event, etc. You do NOT point this change out, as that will be seen as a tactic rather than an authentic change.

The point is that you want him to doubt his negative "Data" about you; to wonder if it is no longer (or ever was) justified...

4) (and this last one helped with almost every other step) GAL & DETACH

In my experience, one cannot really detach without GAL first.

Anyway, You also said you've suffered from depression and that it made you angry with your h (and or life in general) for some years prior to the BD. So what I'm gleaning from that, is that the unhealthy ways you two have been addressing (but not resolving) conflict have been happening for some time and were more or less mutual.
Which means it's harder to change and trust the change (but not impossible. In your case he's already noticing).

Now the abusive aspects are evolving and changing some b/c you are trying to take the high road, which is very commendable.

Being a woman of substance, to ME, means

being a woman of grace & dignity, behaving with self restraint and self respect -

and these^^^ you will never regret.

This^^ "woman of substance" does Not being a doormat, but it does require that you rid yourself of this consuming anger. For it consumes YOU, and that's self inflicted damage you are in charge of for you are not powerless of this.

(For now, at least not showing it to your h, is a crucial step.)

[25yearsmlc]

PS

Sorry for the length of this but it does help to use your own post to follow along the same train of thought.

So here goes.

I realized today that while I am detaching from H, there is a really unhealthy element to my detachment.

^^Super important realization. If need be, start catching yourself doing it and put the STOP SIGN image in your head and change the internal dialogue. Get AND USE a new mantra, like "I am getting through this" and "I am creating a better life for myself", etc.

I can't tell you how many times I catch myself muttering "I hate H" throughout the day. The good moments are when I feel mostly numb. His mess, leave him to it.

Far too frequently, it's mixed up with bitterness.

That's a common path for people who do NOT grow from this ordeal. There are elements of choice in your path and one of them is to Not choose bitterness.

Earlier in your threads you identified how your own anger at life or your health issues (depression turned outward?) had fueled negativity in the marriage and in how your h viewed you.

So we know we have to Get Better, Not bItter. Fight that bitterness b/c it's like that consuming anger, which consumes YOU and helps no one. Replace it with a new positive.

It will improve your overall life (and probably your health) and becoming a happier more loving woman, with more peace within, is something no one can take away from you AND is a gift you can create for yourself.

It might be the biggest DB lesson around.

I'm trying to pay attention to it, and move my feelings in a more positive direction when I catch it, but it's really hard. I really do have a well of hatred with H's name on it after all that has transpired. I'm not sure how to handle it. Give it time? Let things settle?

That, AND taking pro active steps, even if only emotional/mental ones, to change it.

There are some great youtube videos from TED Talks (2012 I think) by Sean Achor and Amy Cuddy on positive thinking and the power of positive psychology.

They are not just spouting "new age happy" thoughts but presenting empirical data that shows how we can cognitively help ourselves to create more happiness in our lives. The talks are only about 20 min long and "entertaining" enough that everyone who watches seems to get something out of them. I'm sure there are many other forms of cognitive behavioral therapy that help us with this as well.


The hatred emotion is hard on my body; I get tense, breathing gets shallow, heart rate increases - but it is there. I realize that what I'm doing, being aware of and redirecting the emotion, is hugely helpful. But the fact is that I harbor ill will. I'm not capable of forgiveness right now. His actions hurt my children, too, something I trusted him to never do.

Getting rid of the anger is a step in forgiveness - but it is not the same.

And you do not have to achieve all of this now. Besides, forgiveness is a gift you give yourself, not him. In fact, you don't even have to let him know when you do it.

Forgiveness Is not about him; it's about you - and how you see your life and future and what type or amount of baggage you want to carry around with you.

Forgiveness is not approval of misconduct or permission for more of it. It's about you letting go of the pain someone else inflicted on you, so that the pain does not become a part of your soul.

When I realized I wanted to forgive my h, I also realized a few other things.

First off, there was simply no way we could reconcile without forgiveness, OR help our children live happy lives, (regardless of reconciling or not) AND that I could not carry around a sense of victimhood AND feel content within, unless I let go of that pain and to do that, I had to forgive my h, so that was a must have for ME to be happy.

Then I realized I had never seen forgiveness growing up. So I did not know what it looked like. And I feared it would cause me more pain or expose me to more or somehow that forgiving would make me more vulnerable. But that is not true.

And I learned that forgiveness is a PROCESS, a series of choices. This process takes time and quite literally, practice. It's a learned skill for most of us.




Has anyone struggled with this? Have you successfully moved past it? How?

I think almost everyone here has struggled with this. I believe every single couple that has reconciled and restored their marriage has struggled with it and moved past it (or they were not happily married)...

OR they struggled with it, got past it and learned to live happy lives as single people,

I hope this helps you on this road. If you have not heard it already, remember that this is a marathon, not a sprint.

Check out my timeline....yeah, 2 years. Hang in there.

[Ancaire]

Wow, Z. You basically just explained the why to me about me needing to go my way and letting H go his. I know it is what I need to do, because all the vets keep telling me that. The fact that H is currently abusive speaks to that, as well. I just couldn't wrap my mind around why and for how long.

You are 100% correct. H is ANGRY. Some of it with good reason. Will I ever be able to meet his needs? Yes. But I need to focus only on myself and heal what needs healing. Right now, I'm shattered and overwhelmed...I am barely beginning to recognize my own needs, much less worry about another's. I've stuffed down and ignored things to the point it's all coming back up...and not in a good way. I basically hated myself. I loved others, but locked in misery as I was, had so much trouble expressing it in a meaningful manner. I'd rather SHOW them, versus tell them...and showing has been nearly impossible. I have such high hopes for my future!

I've said so many hateful things to H at this point, and he to me, that NC is best. I will apologize again one day, but in a far different manner than I have already. That's for the future, so I'll just put it away for now. All this self-work has definitely distracted me from H. That's a really good thing because his power to hurt me is fading away.

I've examined my life almost back to birth. I've scraped my soul raw getting some of this crud up for examination - but I've been able to reframe so much of what I used to believe in a way that is healing and changing me in extraordinary ways. I've barely begun my journey but I see so much potential for my future and the way I'll be able to help others in the years to come.

H needs a good long while to find out just what he's done and how it's truly affected us all. I really think I'm okay with that. Imagine if we were happy, and I tried to tell him I needed to take a few years for myself to sort some things out. He'd freak, like most of us LBS! I don't like what he's doing...but I get it. It's not about me. It's about him, and what he thinks he's going to find. He won't. He was happiest as a family man, and our family just fractured...because of him. He's blaming me right now, but I bet there's a part of him that knows better, or my verbal barbs wouldn't be nearly as effective as they were.

Yes, were, because I'm done. I'm keeping my head down, doing what I need to do to move on, staying out of his way, and being mildly pleasant when I'm forced to interact. He likes to say I never loved him at all. If only he knew how wrong he is. I love him so much it hurts. The wounded parts of me that were basically strangling my soul really took their toll over the years. Odd that it took so long to manifest - well, it manifested, I just stuffed it back down, and every time it returned it was worse than the last. I'm even beginning to understand the depression a bit. Some of it is organic, but most of it is emotional damage, and that I can do something about.

I read somewhere that when a spouse is in MLC, we should try looking at it as if they have just given us the gift of time...time to work on ourselves. That enraged me when I first read it! I don't want time! I want H! I want my family! I want everything to stay the same!

Now, with clarity, I can see how true a gift this awful time really is. H and I are BOTH all kinds of messed up. I want a healed H, or an H who knows he needs healing...not this puffed-up version of superiority. Will he come around? Don't know...but if he does, I'll need to be whole and strong myself. It's going to take some time to get there. But I'm putting in the work and time, with a joyful happy heart that I am being allowed the luxury to just make it all about me for as long as it takes.

If he does not? Truly, it will break my heart for him. He was given time apart to learn, to grow, to understand what is important. But I realize it won't be my fault. I will pray for him daily. I'll send loving thoughts his direction. I will not engage in a childish/confrontational manner any longer. That's really all I can and should do. I get it. I'm crying so hard right now, but I really, truly get it. Everyone should be so lucky to have someone love and care for them as much as I love and care for H.

My understanding is increasing and my personal growth is expanding at such a rate I'm kind of in shock. What on earth is in store for me? I've got a feeling it's going to be kind of awesome...but I'm happy and content staying in the here and now.

[Ancaire]

Thank you, 25yrlmc, for stopping by! I had just reached a very similar conclusion to what you were telling me, but the time and care you took to explain why really helped both underline and deepen my understanding of why I need to stop the bitterness in its tracks. For one thing, it "feels" ugly...like hot nasty sludge working its way back into my freshly cleaned house. No thank you. All that self-examination was hard work. I'm exhausted and would prefer to keep the place tidy from now on.

Our children...let me fill in a bit. I was a single mom to one. My college sweetheart took off faster than Superman when he figured out what all that fun could lead to. So I was never married.

H had somewhat of the same situation, but he married his GF. Two kids, and 5 years later, his marriage was over and he had custody of his kids.

We met, we married, and the 5 of us were as happy as we could be. I desperately wanted "just one more". I had a heartbreaking miscarriage at 17 weeks, a few months past our first year anniversary. Somehow (snicker) I was pregnant again almost right away. TWINS!!! Red-haired identical twin boys! H and I got a huge kick out of referring to them as our "bonus kids". H adopted my daughter. I wanted to adopt his, but bio-mom wanted to stay in the picture. No problem. We had a big, happy family, kids all raised by H and me.

First 10 years...heaven. Next 10, I began struggling with health and emotional issues. Major Depressive Disorder, Congestive Heart Failure, Fibromyalgia, Migraines, Arthritis in the spine (3 surgeries so far), severe Hypertension. Every year it's been something new! So sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I'm even getting a handle on some of that, I think. My belief is that all these problems are linked together by the amount of emotional "stuffing" I do. I learned some pretty unhealthy coping strategies to get along in life. Now the problems/hurts I never really dealt with are manifesting physically.

I'm working hard on me. Just me. The way I was going, I'm sure I'd have been dead in a few very short years. When I say "heart hurts", or anything similar, I'm literally referring to my poor overworked organ. Obviously, there is a different plan in place for me. I truly believe that. There has been an intervention.

I'm really upset that any of this happened. I see, with exceptionally clear sight, exactly how and why it did. I'm backtracking and working on me. I'll leave H to his own devices for now. He's not giving me much of a choice, in any case.

I'm accepting of what has taken place and why. I've also found a lot to be grateful for, as well. This was meant to be, and something really wonderful is waiting just ahead. I just need to keep doing what I'm doing, one day at a time, and it will all unfold in the way and manner it should.

Wow. I'm actually impressed with me right now. Just...Wow.