Your journey of self exploration seems to be going well. I am glad you perspective is changing. Following this change will come the Aha moment and then you will see things as they truly are. You are doing well grasshopper (Kung Fu reference).
V, I am laughing so hard my S11 is accusing me of laughing at him and he left the room crying. Yes, he is that sensitive. You are so funny, you really should have your own reality show.
Ancaire, its good we don't live near each other because I think we could get into a lot of trouble. Then again, I have mastered the art of STFU and non-reactivity, so maybe we'd be fine. I have also been having the urge to stick thumb tacks in H's back while he is asleep, haven't acted on it yet but the thought is satisfying.
Mutatio- my sons made me watch that movie 3x in the past month and my mind is now numb from it, but I am pretty sure it was a praying mantis.
I love my DB friends. I wish I met you all sooner in happier times, but then again, we probably wouldn't have bonded this well because we were so busy with our *perfect* lives with no idea of the time bomb that was about to go off.
I will use the anger to move myself forward. I had a conversation with H days ago discussing my upcoming move. I told him that I was going to have the kids come help me pack the things I wanted and put them in storage. H told me to make a list and he would do it. I said okay, but wasn't very happy about it.
Today it hit me...more controlling behavior from H. I don't want him packing my stuff. I want to spend time with my kids...probably something else he'd like to control. H is hugely in love with his belief that my tattling on him caused the kids to view him differently. Here's an idea, H; What about conducting your life in a manner that will not cause you embarrassment if you get found out? How dare he blame me because his actions disappointed our children?!?
He tried to tell me one of the daughters was avoiding him because of me. I tried to point out all the possible reasons she may not have been available. WTF? I am way too nice! Screw you, H!!! You acted like pond scum, and she's not happy with you. I didn't keep your secret? Too damn bad!
He's been parading around, calling me a "felon", acting like he is so far above me, warning me that he is "this close to throwing me out"...and I've been validating his feelings! "I'm DBing", I would tell myself. Bullcrap. I was allowing myself to be manipulated and abused again.
I need to use this anger for now. Channel it, and allow it to toughen me up enough to do what I need to do to get out of here. I can collapse when I'm safely at my mother's house. I also need to be smart. No confronting, no talks...just quietly doing what needs doing and staying out of H's way. "I'm beaten" is the game I will be playing in front of H. Boring, nothing interesting here.
In the meantime, I'll be documenting, recording, and limiting his access to me. Last week, he tried to tell me he wanted me out in 2 weeks. We haven't even agreed on divorce terms, and he's telling me I have to leave? Whatever. Heart problems had me in bed most of last week - had to rest a lot because I wasn't getting enough oxygen. I'm feeling better now, but may not admit to it. He left me alone for the most part. The 2 conversations were initiated by me, and 1 was because I'm trying to make financial amends for the wreck! And even that one got me attacked...good grief.
Enjoy your packing with your kids, no rush. It's ok, you know.
Take care of your health.
Anc, you have learned so much, this is advanced grey rock, even grey breeze block. Wow, took me a year to get that!
When you get to mums you will find you are so fascinated by it all, there will be a little bit of V's excitement. I doubt you will collapse, more rest, recovery and healing. I see it already in the laser show.
I see a star cast future. V
Last edited by Vanilla; 11/15/1508:05 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Emotional night tonight...talked for a couple of hours with my twins about past issues. Out of all the kids, my babies suffered the most as the depressive disorder got worse. I love them so desperately - it kills me to know how much I hurt them when I withdrew from the world to the extent I did.
I'm making amends where I can in my life. This is a really important step for me. In cases where my actions have caused such deep harm, it's excruciating to dig it all up to apologize and lay my soul so bare. On the other hand, my boys now know, for certain, how much they mean to me - how deeply sorry I am for not managing myself in a more effective manner - I realize how much my illness harmed them, too.
Both offered me forgiveness. Both told me how much they love me and always will. Both told me I could make amends by keeping my promise to become as healthy as I possibly can in all areas. I don't deserve them, but I am so thankful for my youngest children right now. I am thankful for their loving, generous hearts.
This making amends is hard work! I feel scraped raw inside. I have no intention of stopping before I get to the other side. I have a feeling this is some of the most important work in my life.
Both offered me forgiveness. Both told me how much they love me and always will. Both told me I could make amends by keeping my promise to become as healthy as I possibly can in all areas. I don't deserve them, but I am so thankful for my youngest children right now. I am thankful for their loving, generous hearts.
I can really relate to what you say here, Ancaire, especially coming from your kids. That grateful emotion can be so powerful! Lately I have been feeling grateful for a lot of things in my life. Someone said: “It’s a good thing we don’t get what we deserve. I’m grateful because I get far more than I deserve.” I will dare to suggest one article from a course I am taking in hopes that you find it useful. ****//greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_gratitude_can_help_you_through_hard_times
Me43 W39 M 12y,T 15y S09,S07 Bomb Jun14 Sleeping separately Jan/Mar15 Share bed Mar/May15 Reconcile Jun15 Aug15 W sais D will happen D told to kids Sept15 W moved out with kids 01 October15
When your soul bottom is scraped raw, the barnacles clinging to it are all gone like the impediments to smooth sailing. After that it's into maintaining, a tad easier.
Trust your higher power, your boat will zip, glide and manage its course. The steering is lighter, the course takes less effort, and the rudder moves freely.
Apologise for the effects of the depression, not for having it. Just as you apologise and atone for the effects of the crash but not for having it. Next steps is Anc making amends to herself.
Much laser strength
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 11/16/1501:28 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
