Can ALL marriages be saved Vol. 3

[mahhhty]

That's right. Read jack Canfield. Read the secret. Read think and grow rich. Read the power of the subconscious mind. Thy all speak to those ideals!

[Gmum]

Aw man. Had the talk. He just left. I don't know what to think.

Basically he's just worried we're not going anywhere. He doesn't want to me to wait to apply for my citizenship test till I move, cause it can take a while and we probably won't start the divorce process till I get it.
He's also extremely concerned about money. And so worried that I'm relying solely on him to get me jobs. Which was his idea in the first place, he made it sound like it wouldn't be a big deal. He kinda wanted me to be able to tell him how long I'll be relying on him financially.
He suggested that since him and I have a hard time talking about these things, maybe we could find a trusted friend to work sort of as a mediator.

He complained about basically being homeless. He thought it was unfair, he didn't understand how he ended up in this situation. And I didn't even say happy birthday to him on his bday even though we've been together for 15 years.
So I kinda laughed and gave him a big hug. He didn't seem totally into it, but I wasn't really expecting him to.

Throughout all this he did all the talking, I nodded my head and said things like 'I understand' and "That makes sense". Mainly because I knew we'd probably fight and I don't want to make any promises either, unless I know I can keep them.

Now I'm terrified about the future again...

Hope everyone else is having a better night than me.

[Ancaire]

The battle cry of the WAS...not fair, not fair, not fair.

Excuse me? Your extreme selfishness created the problem and you have the nerve to tell me it's unfair?!? I see unhappy LBS all over the board tonight, Gmum...It must be the moon or something.

You did a good job validating and not slapping him senseless. Now, try to break it down into smaller parts and see what you can actually help with, to start.

[mahhhty]

He believes he is a victim. But it's his decisions that made him one.

[gonegrl]

Yes, what Mahhhty said. And Ancaire. The WAS is like a teenager, so extremely self-centered and completely in denial about their behavior.

[Mona52]

Gmum,
You did great. These talks are so worrisome before they happen, then when they are done, we are so confused. The reason is, we are expecting the talk to be some kind of decision. WAS is finally saying goodbye, period, OR WAS is going to say they want to try again.

We torture ourselves for ever before the talk guessing what will be said. We think the best and the worst.

Then the talk comes and it is full of craziness. The talk is all about our WAS and they go on about how bad life is for them!

I doubt he made any decisions about the future during you talk, did he? I am certain he was doom and gloom about the future, but he never actually made any firm, real decisions, did he?

He can't make any real decisions right now because he is in a fantasy world.

I hear your biggest concern is money. You can fix that concern on your own. It stinks, it is hard, no one will help you, but if that is your biggest concern, then you know how you need to focus your GAL activities. You can start real small. Is there a hobby you can make money off of?

Just think how your life might possibly be if you earned x amount a week all by yourself. Make x anything, the number does not matter as long as you put a number in there. Imagine your life with that money if he does not come back, and if he does.

[Gmum]

But how do I get that through to him? Because he is traveling for work he can't really see a therapist. We also can't afford it.
I can't talk to him, because he's made up his mind about everything, so unless I just validate what he says, we will argue. And I don't want to fight with him.

He's been under immense stress for years. A lot of it because of me. I take full responsibility for that.
He says no one is looking out for him, so he has to before it's too late.
He also said it wouldn't benefit me if he suddenly quits his job and moves somewhere else, i.e. I need to get a job soon and not rely financially on him. He's just not taking into account that I'm also taking care of our D, so I can't just go get any job.

He said he never should have run the marathon when his knee was so messed up, (no $h!t Sherlock) but he needed the pain to manifest physically instead. And now he can't run at all. Running used to be his outlet.

He also INSISTS that he also get a 1 bedroom apartment when we move, he wants to have a decent place, not just a studio. The problem is we can't afford two decent 1 bedrooms. I don't understand why he can't make do with a studio. He's always working and traveling anyways. The only reason I need a 1br is because I will live with our D full-time.

I just don't know what to make of all this. Can it be a MLC? I guess not when it's been underway for years. Whatever it is I don't think he's ever gonna wake up from it.

[Gmum]

Sadly Mona, I quit school when I moved to the US. And I never really found my niche. Just bounced around from crappy jobs, sometimes I had long periods of making no money. And it's all coming back to bite me in the a$$ now.

Plus childcare here is so expensive, I'll have to make pretty good money in order for it.

He was talking about all the papers we need to file/sign for the divorce. How it will take a long time, we'll need to go in front of a judge etc.
He needs to feel we are making concrete steps towards resolving this.

He keeps saying we have no money, we'll have a cash flow problem when I move in January. We won't get the deposit for our current apt back until after we're supposed to put one down for the new place.
Last week he bought $400 boots.
This is a consistent pattern of his.

[Ancaire]

Argh!!!! Stupid WAH!!!

There. Got that out of my system.

Can it be MLC? Sadly, yes. They can last for years, and some never come out of it. Your H sounds like mine, "but, when is it my turn to be happy?"

Suggestion: Create a spreadsheet which covers expenses for both of you, with both paying for equal apartments. You may want to include a little drawing for each which shows D at your place with you, and just him at his. Show him you cannot afford it.

Next, a new spreadsheet with you working and paying for childcare. Make it as visual and basic as you can. He's living in fantasy-land. You're going to literally have to prove to him why his beautiful dream won't work in the real world.

Next, ask for suggestions and help to solve the problem. Keep a straight face.

[Mona52]

I know it is frustrating. I do not think anything you say or do with get through to him that he is living in fantasy land. You will be able to get assistance for D if it gets bad.

I know daycare is so expensive. I had three in daycare when I landed a part time clerical job. There was no way I could have found a job to pay for 3 kids in daycare, the daycare would have cost more than my paycheck. So I got assistance for daycare and was able to work part time. Then I got a couple hundred a month in child support. With that I was able to get my own tiny place for the kids and me.

I wont lie, it was hard. It was terrible. But it opened new doors for me I never dreamed of. I learned a skill, and then an entire world opened.

If money is your issue, then search for money solutions. They are there, in places you never dreamed of looking. You have to stay and watch D, maybe you can watch a few more children during the day for money? I don't know if you have a hobby you can sell or, and this is way out there, what did you always WANT to be when you grew up? Doctor, lawyer, Indian chief? Truly you can do anything you want if you just take small baby steps towards it.