Quick recap so you dont actually HAVE to read previous threads...
Was on here in 2004ish. DB'ed for about 3 years, saved my M. 2012 or 2013 ish, H had internet A. Came here, my old account was gone, created this one. We did not separate then, so I did not really post.
Aug I kicked him out. He played on the computer all night every night. He made so many promises to me and just broke them without any kind of "im sorry". Went from working full time to working one or 2 days a week. Started spending more money.
Even though I kicked him out, i miss him. His life is going downhill fast, but he does not want to come home.
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
Well, I just went through a backslide from he||. But I think it is ok. This might be a long post so I will break it down.
I cooked again last night for jerk face. Thin pork chops in my secret seasoning, sauteed green peppers and onions, homemade mashed potatoes and corn. I cant tell you how thrilled I was cooking for him. And I know that anything that makes me feel good HAS to be against the DB rule book.
I texted him this morning to remind him to go pay a bill he had in both our names.
He said he would take care of it, then:
Me: I'm not cooking tonight cuz it is Friday and I'm going out, but you get paid today so you are getting food, right?
Me: If you can't, I will be happy to drop dinner off when i have extra, but I feel stupid forcing it on you. So speak up if you are in the mood for more dinners at work.
H: I going to get food. But ty.
H: I need to ask you a huge favor.
H: I wont be able to survive and stay here in PA paying the amount of support I'm paying. Is there any way you can allow me to pay less a month.
(H has another kid in Maryland with the old OW that he pays support on)
H: I've already petitioned the state of Maryland for a reduction in support
H: Think about it and let me know. I don't want to leave but I will have no choice.
Me: I need time to think about it. It looks like I am being left without a choice, because you are going to quit and move and since you have no job I am completely f(oops, bad word here)ed.
Me: Before i say anything more, I have a feeling that after today we will no longer speak to each other, and that is best. I need you to remember, next Sunday I am going away. D17 will have my hotel information, but the kids will be alone until I get home Tuesday night.
(Dont call children and youth people... My kids are not babies and my mom will be there!)
H: Why will we not talk anymore?
Me: Because you won't like what I am trying so hard not to say meanly. And I am just done. Just answer this, please. How, financially, do you expect your children to live?
H: I understand what you are saying but I also need to survive and if I cant live or eat what do you expect? You have family here, I have no one to lean on. I'm on my own.
H: I dont blame you or anyone for my current situation. I just need to get my feet on the ground so I can get in a position that I can survive.
H: and still be part of their lives.
--------------------------------------- I need to stop all readers here, because i am about to offer a solution to his dilemma and you can just keep your 2 x 4's I KNOW IT WAS A BAD IDEA! But for just a second it was so nice to dream it out loud. Yes, I added more months on my journey, fine, whatever... --------------------------------------- Me: I am gonna throw out a suggestion, because leaning on my mom is not possible.
H: I've lost over 40 lbs and am constantly tired and feel sick. I have to change that before I become no good to anyone ----------- too late... no, i did not say it, just thought it ----------- H: I'm already starting to get depressed and I dont want to head down that route again
Me: This is not a trick. I promise on my kid's lives I'm not trying to trap you. Just THINK about what I am about to say, because to me, it is our only way out of this mess.
Me: The 5 of us should go back to the f(oops bad word)ing he|| hole of a house on x street. We should pool our paychecks together. With both of our checks, we can easily afford the bills and save money so we can move out. We only need to live together half a year or so, then we can move the right way. We can still proceed with the divorce. You can sleep in S11's room and he can sleep with me.
Me: I dont care if you date, I wont get in your business. It is none of my concern.
H: That is not possible. I have spent every penny I have and borrowed money to the hilt for this apartment. I can't let it go that easily and then have an eviction on my record. It was hard as he|| to get this place as it was.
Me: And if you move to NY, then what?
H: I wont be moving to New York or Florida --------- he has family in both --------- H: If I go, I will be moving to Puerto Rico
---- his mom passed away a year ago and left him a house in PR that he lets his cousin live in now ---- H: That is why I'm trying to work things out. So I don't have to go anywhere
H: i'm asking for a reduction, which is why I labeled it a favor
Me: And we come to the part where we no longer speak. I never wanted to say any of this to you. I tried so hard to be nice, because the last thing I want to do is hurt your feelings... but
H: Say what you have to say Mona. I'm a big boy I can take it.
------------------------------------ DB book accidentally flies right out the freaking window at this point... ------------------------------------ I will break the post here and start a new one, because I am about to go crazy on jerkface, but not cruel...
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
But this is what I understood. You are bugging him to pay a bill, cooking him meals, solving his problems and then trying to move in with him.
Is he a boy or a man? Does he want to be with you?
If the answers to those are... Man and No. Then he needs to figure it out, and you need to get out of the joint bill. His choices. His consequences.
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Me: Life does not work that way H. I waited 3 years for you. In love with you every day. While you lived with another bit(oops, another bad word). I was overjoyed the night in the car when my living he|| was finally over and you came home. Then, another woman on the computer, then these words:
Me: Throughout the years my wife and I have had our ups and downs. There have been many times that we have wanted to kill each other. But, with all that being said and even during the times where I was an absolute monster to her, she stood by my side. I just wanted everyone to know that
------------- His words cover 2 of my text messages. He wrote the following, but I ignored what he wrote here while I was typing, but I will get to it later -------------
H: I remember that. I wrote it. But, you changed and more than likely it way my fault. I take full responsibility for it. I'm sry I hurt you.
H: But you were quite clear when you told me "Your words mean nothing to me anymore"
Me: I love her and that no matter what the future has in store for us, I will always love her. There is no one else in the world who understands me like she does or is able to put up with my stupidity. I'm Sorry I'm not the husband you deserve that I wasn't there to listen when you needed your best friend. Nothing matters more than your love.
Me: Than, I begged you in every way I could to get off the computer and help me with the kids.
Me: You answered me by making me sleep alone night after night. you made promises, (Mona, I will get your father a head stone...) you broke your promises to me. It was no big deal. I didnt matter.
Me: Last November I realized I was not in love with you any more. And I started to leave you. It made zero change in your life. you barely noticed.
H: I understand I've let you down and see your point. I concede to everything you are saying. I think you fell out of love long before that.
Me: I asked you to leave in August. Since then you have not lifted a finger to help me with the kids. AND I DON'T MEAN MONEY. You wont help with ANYTHING.
Me: I've yelled, I've cried, I've pleaded, I've asked nice, i've made it as easy as possible for you to help me. In every way you were the biggest as(oops, I added another s making it a swear word...) ever
H: Again, you are right
Me: For the kids and my sanity I wanted to be friends. I am not dropping support because your kids have bills. If you 'slip into depression' that is in no way my fault.
--------------- now I finally read the texts he sent me during my ranting session --------------- Me: And I said your words mean nothing because you break your word, every day. You still do. It was actions I was looking for. Not words, actions.
------------------------------ Ok, it is not over, I get way worse in the DB'ing department. But the CRAZY BLAME GAME is over. MWD would slap the marriage out of me if she saw how i blamed all over my H... ------------------------------
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
H: You are angry now and I understand. All I ask is that you truly take the time to think about it when you are calm.
H: I dont want o fight with you
H: I our in done way getting those emotions and words off your chest help you in some way
H: Ugh auto correct
Me: Actually, if I could slap you like they did in the olden movies, that would really help
H: Lol come and take your best shot
H: I knew for a long time your fell out of love with me and I know I caused it. But will still like it very much if we could still continue to be be friends
Me: I do feel better, yes. Honestly, I'm not mad at you. I love you. I'm not in love with you and I don't want you to lose weight. You have no idea how that affected me. Oh he||, since I already went bat sh(oops it makes that another swear word) crazy today, I might as well cross another line. You were this thin once before.
Me: and it drove me crazy something we did in the bedroom when you were this thin. I saw you in the kitchen for the first time in months and was flooded with memories, LOL
H: What was it lol
Me: nothing, im just saying I dont want you to be thin or depressed. If i can help, i will, but I cant take away from the kids because you are an adult.
Me: you know what I really really want from you??
H: ?????
Me: A text during the day... How r u?
H: Many times I wanted to but I didn't know how you would react
Me: You are a total as(oops s), and I completely hate you, but I miss a day time text
H: Lol dont hold back tell me exactly what you are thinking
Me: So if I want to talk to you, you are cool with that? I mean talk like stupid shi (stuff)
H: Sure
H: Again, there is no reason we cant continue to be friends
Me: I need to set a boundary . I want you to date and move on, but i absolutely font want to hear about it, ok?
H: Same
H: Lol Text away but I have to do my $25 grocery shopping lol
H: And im not dressed yet
H: I really do with you would reconsider doing me that favor. or at least make a counter offer
Me: Counter offer, you take the kids and I will pay you support
H: Lol
Me: Get me 2 customers and I will drop it to what you want.
H: Oh, are we resorting to bribery now? you are evil and must be destroyed lmao
H: But seriously pls think about it
Me: I would be thrilled to show you my expenses and thrilled if you showed me how I can live finanically
H: and the amount I am asking you to drop the support fixes that?
H: that little bit is the difference between me making it or failing.
Me: every penny counts right now, I'm living in just as much poverty as you. Actually, I have no idea how I can pay the rent before Nov 27th so you will get a text asking for rent.
H: OK. You're not hearing me. Have a great day. Dont work to hard on Candy Crush. Lol
H: I'll text you later when I'm back
Me: I can't H. If you are done talking to me because I wont, tell me and I will leave you alone.
------------------- I am almost done... he slips into some serious depression now, so one more post and i will be done -------------------
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
H: why is everything one way or another with you. Calm down. It is what it is. I have to make the best of what I got. If I can great if you cant oh well that's the way it's meant to be and roll with the punches
H: time will tell what is in store and if it's Puerto Rico than so be it. I want to stay close to the kids and be able to provide for them and be able to see them when i want
Me: But PR is a tropical island, so it wont be so bad
H: you're missing the entire point
Me: Not really. The kids are right in front of you now. You can text them now. You can see them now.
Me: I understand your feeling of hopelessness.
Me: But I cant be your reason for success or failure. And you cant expect me to be. If you need a little more money per month, there are lots of things you can do every month to earn it.
H: No, I dont think you do. You're not anywhere near in the place I'm in right now.
H: But it's fine, it will work itself out.
Me: I understand depression. And I know nothing I say or do can help. That's not true, i can 100% help you, but you wont take it. You cant see past your misery now and only you can help.
H: Fail or succeed. Nobody give a f(oops) about me anyway.
H: So whatever. live or die f it. It's in God's hands now.
H: Cya
Me: That is untrue. I think about you all day, every day. And some of the thoughts are not bad.
H: It's OK. Punish me. I deserve it.
H: You were always too good for me anyway.
H: I deserve to be where i am at now. In a gutter starving.
Me: Or you deserve a mansion. But life does not give you what you deserve. I don't know anyone who gets what they deserve
--------------------
I'm gonna stop here. i go on to tell him a funny story. Some guy we both knew years ago was rich and famous and had a perfect life with the perfect kids, and one of his kids is a hot mess right now. I told him that funny story, but im not in the mood to deal with depression so after the story I stopped texting him.
He texted me back saying he was sorry for the meltdown and i just said No Prob and I am still not texting him. I need happy people to speak with, not sad!
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
I had an amazing night last night. I took my niece, who just turned 21 a few months ago out dancing. My mother goes out with a group of her friends every Friday, so me and my niece crashed her party.
My niece could be a super model. She is drop dead gorgeous and 21. Not the easiest for my battered ego to deal with, lol, but I still had guys asking me to dance all night. This one guy kept thanking me. He called me beautiful and couldn't believe I said yes. I was floored. Then the huge group went out to breakfast and a guy in the group close to my age told me I had "all kinds of rhythm" on the dance floor and my niece said I looked great out there.
It was a huge superboost to my PMA. I actually felt amazing a couple times. My mind is spinning this morning replaying every thing. The conversation with jerk face, slow dancing with a different guy, laughing with the group, but feeling sad because something was missing.
Of course, my mind keeps fixating on 2 pieces of my text with jerk face. The first thing I am obsessed with is him saying "many times" he wanted to text me. And the second thing is that he does not want to hear about my dating. I latched on to the first thing and now I am checking my stupid phone way too much, and of course there is no text.
I can spout "no expectations" on everyone's thread, but can't figure out how to do it myself.
I have a jam packed day lined up, hopefully I can get online later and stop by some threads here.
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
