I've made the shift! Detached from H (mostly) and have started my self-work. At the moment, I'm learning about codependency, a much further reaching topic than I thought.
I'm proud of who you are Ancaire. You are going through a lot but you still keep focusing on you. You are becoming stronger every day. Cheers to you :-)
Hi Ancaire, that seems to be a misconception about co-dependency. Keep investing your time into improving yourself, Ancaire is worth it.
In a totally different subject. You mentioned where you live once. I will not repeat it to maintain your privacy.I have a geography question that does not reveal where you are. I am interested in the area around the city of Santa Fe, New Mexico. Do you have any thoughts, feelings, experiences or opinions about that area of New Mexico? Have you been there? If so I would love to get your take on it. Be well
Mutatio, I don't mind if you mention the state I live in. It's so big, it would take forever to find me.
As to your question; yes, indeed, I have been in that area. It is gorgeous. But it is very "red". Colorado Rockies are green, lush, and full of water - but the farther south you go, it gets less green and more desert-like. It's much warmer in the Sante Fe area, and I strongly prefer the lower altitude. I think it's phenomenal, unlike any other area in the US. Strikingly historical, Spanish/Native American style buildings (no sky-scrapers here), and a vibrant artists community. Clearly, I'm a huge fan.
New Mexico is basically a state with a lot of open land, with a few heavily populated areas. It's got mountains, but they're not the green kind. The only bear I've ever spotted in the wild was in New Mexico! I never saw one the entire time we lived in Colorado...although I did get up close and personal with a Moose once. We scared the crap out of one another!
For peace and quiet, with the option of seeing people? Santa Fe.
Hi, thank you for responding. My wife loves the green of CO. Although I do also, the high desert of Santa Fe draws me in. I am interested in making art and Santa Fe works for me that way too. I have been to both areas a half dozen times and love the region. I was going to accept CO if my wife was my wife. Now I think that Santa Fe is a real option for me. I was hoping your thoughts were positive and I'm glad to see they were. Thanks again for your insight, I am going to do it if I am a free agent.
I realized today that while I am detaching from H, there is a really unhealthy element to my detachment. I can't tell you how many times I catch myself muttering "I hate H" throughout the day. The good moments are when I feel mostly numb. His mess, leave him to it.
Far too frequently, it's mixed up with bitterness. I'm trying to pay attention to it, and move my feelings in a more positive direction when I catch it, but it's really hard. I really do have a well of hatred with H's name on it after all that has transpired. I'm not sure how to handle it. Give it time? Let things settle?
The hatred emotion is hard on my body; I get tense, breathing gets shallow, heart rate increases - but it is there. I realize that what I'm doing, being aware of and redirecting the emotion, is hugely helpful. But the fact is that I harbor ill will. I'm not capable of forgiveness right now. His actions hurt my children, too, something I trusted him to never do.
Has anyone struggled with this? Have you successfully moved past it? How?
Ancaire, I catch myself mumbling "I hate H" all the time, and flipping him the bird behind his back at least a couple of times a day. I didn't realize that was a problem. You are such a good person.
Ancaire, I catch myself mumbling "I hate H" all the time, and flipping him the bird behind his back at least a couple of times a day. I didn't realize that was a problem. You are such a good person.
I'm not sure laughing as hard as I just did is good for me anymore!!! The teens in the living room paused their movie to holler at me and ask if I was ok. ROFLMAO
How I wish I'd read this book, Codependent No More, years ago! It got to the point that the term codependent was overused, and the really important information was lost, becoming something of a joke. Just working my way through the chapters, I've basically come up with a roadmap on how I want to go forward. I also understand why my wiser mentors were so unwilling to allow me to carry guilt and shame for my one violent moment.
I'm really beginning to understand why everything must start with me. I'm not going to spend a lot of time worrying about my childhood. I see what happened. I am planning to spend my energy working on becoming a whole person again. There's a lot of things about me I like...but what am I doing with those?
Back to reading/healing...
*Pho, we've already identified your in-laws as toxic people. I can understand why you'd be reluctant to read the book after their behaviors. I assure you, they missed the point. From one adult child of an alcoholic to another, I recommend you read the book. Given its age, some of the info isn't new, but the author's thought process as the book unfolds is important. I keep seeing both of us in different areas. It's a great book for me in my self-growth journey.
