When I read your post I reconnected to my own sense of loss of a home, sense of family, security and stability when my relationship with Mr Ex ended. Like you I moved towns, home to my mother and sister. I felt the loss created by the distance for many months. But the distance was also a saving grace. It allowed me the opportunity to completely focus on me, on gaining my mental health back (not sure if you know but I had a major mental health break down that lead to BD - I so appreciated your visit to crazy town - it made me feel less alone), and while I hated the no contact between myself and Mr Ex, it was as I look back now such a blessing. He had become such a trigger to my anxiety. Any contact that I anticipated would trigger an anxiety attack, I would have days of not sleeping.
In the past V pointed out to me, related to another issue (the why and when I am motivated to make change) she confirmed something that I kinda always knew, sometimes change is prompted by a desire to move towards something and other times it is a moving away from. You are right I believe in your words about viewing this move as a gain rather than a loss, a move towards something, rather than away from.
Sometimes the Rose Coloured Spectacles are exactly what is called for. And I am sure you will ROCK THEM!!
Thanks so much, Jelly. I have to say, the decision to share my visit to crazy-town was a hard one. Finally, I decided, "what the heck?" I've struggled with the issue of shifting brain chemicals alone for over 20 years now. I'm tired of trying to hide it....and it's not like I did that great a job. "Moody" was a word I heard a lot. I decided to tell it like it was here, mainly because I came here for help. How can I get help without being honest?
Something wonderful happened. No one called me crazy. No one judged me. On the contrary, all my friends here accepted me, comforted me, and supported me. I lost the embarrassment associated with the depression. I then started talking about it, learning about it, and figured out that I need to learn to live with it.
I'm so happy to learn that my decision to share my experience was a comfort to you. You are not alone. You and I are in a unique group, though - we've both made the decision to actively manage the disorder while accepting and celebrating the qualities we gain from it that help us be better people. For too many years I just blindly took medicine, without doing anything else.
I feel so empowered, and in control. I have such high hopes for my future. I hope that my experiences and lessons prove to be valuable to many, many others. You seem to be so very similar. Your story helped me considerably. I cannot thank you enough for being so vulnerable and brave back when you were all by yourself!
So, now that we've firmly established ourselves as the "crazy ladies on DB" what shall we do next? Give conflicting advice to someone? LOL We're OK, Jelly. Super-sensitive to others feelings, compassionate, empathetic...applied correctly, we're a real gift to the world.
Ancaire, you truly are a gift to the world. You're a sweet, caring, compassionate lady that has helped so many of us here. Depression is tough, I have battled it for years myself. I know that through this sitch you can learn to manage it better. I know that I have.
Thanks for always being there for me. You are a huge help. Wishing you the best!
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
Ancaire you are a gift and a blessing to all of us who come here seeking some kindness in a cruel world. God Bless you and continue to grow stronger and to find peace!
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
Bought the book, "Codependent No More" as an e-book and will start reading tonight.
Awsome, there is some great stuff for virtually anyone here. There is certainly healthy attachment which I believe a good marriage needs to survive, then there is unhealthy attachmnet. I hope the book will help you to see the difference.
Had a calm conversation with H in which I outlined my idea to repay out of pocket costs he had to pay related to my accident. Insisted any agreement we come to be in writing to add to Divorce documents. Asked for written confirmation of the costs. He finally told me insurance did cover his friend's truck, but it wouldn't pay for the tree I hit. They're claiming the tree is worth $5000. LOL
I will continue to be calm and insist on getting agreements in writing and signed. I'm not being mean about it either. I'm just claiming I need it for the Lawyers. I completely ignored all H's self-pitying comments and jabs at me this time. It helps to know exactly what it is I need to discuss, keep to the topic, and leave when the conversation begins to change.
I think my willingness to make amends, while not on his terms but clearly to his benefit, might be helping calm the situation a bit. I'm still having trouble breathing along with a racing, pounding heart. I'm resting and practicing deep breathing. I love your heart here. It may not help in the long run, because sometimeshe no matter what we do we are the enemy. But you are being true to yourself in this, right? That is all you can do.
I'm losing so much. The roof over my head, leaving my twins here, and my pets (2 cats and a dog.) The boys are happy here. My mom is allergic to my beloved fur babies. I can't afford them anyways. All my kids in the same town for the first time in years. First grandchild on the way....and I have to move to a city 3 hours away with just a suitcase.
I am so sorry to hear this. I've not the words, nor can I understand what you are going though. I am swinging strength today.
I'm trying not to focus on it so much, because I need to worry less about what I'm losing and more about what I'm gaining...but it's hard. It will be so nice to be around someone who truly loves me.
I heard something yesterday that made me say, that is just stupid. Then like 10 minutes later I had to write it down. And stare at it.
'There is no past, there is no future, only right now.'
We can't live in the past anymore. Our spouses are not the same as who they are. We aren't either.
We have no idea what the future holds, which although may seem scary...is actually starting to excited me because I am starting to treat this life as an adventure instead of a scripted path that had been set for ever. No wonder she got bored with me...oh and I was just as bored.
Today, right now is all we really have. Go have yourself a good day, I thought I typed you a note about going a treating yourself to something different, yesterdsy but can't seem to find it (wonder how many posts didn't load that I've typed over the months).
Go and do something for you TODAY. You said it will be nice to be around someone who truly loves you...it starts with you loving yourself. Even if it something as silly as going to an ice cream parlor to have a Sunday and read a book...that is a treat for you. Start treating yourself like you are worthy of love, BECAUSE YOU ARE!
I heard something yesterday that made me say, that is just stupid. Then like 10 minutes later I had to write it down. And stare at it.
'There is no past, there is no future, only right now.'
We can't live in the past anymore. Our spouses are not the same as who they are. We aren't either.
We have no idea what the future holds, which although may seem scary...is actually starting to excited me because I am starting to treat this life as an adventure instead of a scripted path that had been set for ever. No wonder she got bored with me...oh and I was just as bored.
Today, right now is all we really have. Go have yourself a good day, I thought I typed you a note about going a treating yourself to something different, yesterday but can't seem to find it (wonder how many posts didn't load that I've typed over the months).
Go and do something for you TODAY. You said it will be nice to be around someone who truly loves you...it starts with you loving yourself. Even if it something as silly as going to an ice cream parlor to have a Sunday and read a book...that is a treat for you. Start treating yourself like you are worthy of love, BECAUSE YOU ARE!
Living in the present moment is all we can do. It is very easy to get lost in thought about the past or the future, none of that can be changed, we can alter our destiny by what we do in this very moment and it's all that matters...
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
Wow. You guys made me cry...in a good way! It was such a treat to log in today and see so much caring and concern directed to me. Thank you.
I'm really reflecting on "there is only the present". I'm one of the worst at dwelling on the past, and putting things off to be done in the future. When I really ponder what I'm doing, right now, to improve my life or to find joy...I feel like I'm on the cusp of some huge discovery. I'm going to thoroughly examine this idea and take notes!
My feelings towards H have undergone a shift. Now that I really grasp that there is nothing I can do, no magic sentence I can say to change him back to the person I love - I'm creating some distance. He says something ugly, I just sigh. He gets angry, I just wait him out. I don't attempt contact in any way unless there is something that needs to be addressed. I say please and thank you. I care, but I am not worrying about him at all. I feel kind of numb more than anything.
I know what this is! I am finally, hallelujah, detaching!!! I'm more focused on me than I am anyone else. My children are fine. My H created this mess, I'm leaving him to enjoy it. Me. What do I need? Got it!
Being around H used to cause some emotion. Other than mild disgust, I'm fine around him. He just seems like a child in a man's body. His attempts to insult me, harm me, or make me cry - I spot the manipulation early now, and it doesn't get to me. I walk away and leave him spewing at the walls. I've created boundaries!
I see huge progress! Right now, this moment? I'm strong, capable, and firm in my decision to move on in order to protect and care for myself.
