Texted my wife to tell her plans for son at Christmas. She said ok but then started to complain that our son never wants to be with her and treats her badly. I think she wants to be in our lives but is beginning to realize that at the moment we find it hard to be with her. I keep trying to point out that things have changed, that she isn't there but she just keeps saying I'm his mother, I love him and want to do things with him. She thinks he should be a connection between us not a wall. I have told her everyone needs time to think what they want for themselves and others. I want her to really begin to see that she can't have everything
The weekends are always hard but I'm trying to do things and not initiate contact with her. She texted to our little family group to find out what our son had done at basketball. He didn't reply so I told her briefly. She thanked me with a kiss icon. I didn't respond. Spent Saturday night with other members of her family. Posted photos of her son and me having fun to an extended family group. On Sunday ran my second race in a personal best. She sent me a thumbs up. Today she texted to ask after my weekend and congratulate me on my race. I replied briefly but in a friendly way. She added she had seen some nice photos I had posted of the race. I didn't continue texting. Trying to be friendly but distant she has said that she wants to be involved in our lives as much as I'll let her. Am I doing the right thing? I want her to know that my life hasn't stopped that I'm not paralyzed into inaction (even though I miss her all the time and wake up dreaming about every night!). Should I withdraw even more or let her be part of our lives? Or would that be giving her everything she wants?
Looking at my previous posts I suppose my question is: How do you deal with a recently separated wife who is living with OM but wants you as a best friend? She seems to struggle to understand that her status has changed in our lives. At least she doesn't show unannounced but the attempts at friendly conversational texts always shake me as they seem to try to keep things as they were before.
Would I be right in withdrawing as much as possible? Stop going to the same class. Wait for her texts and calls, be friendly but not too conversational?
Yes. Not sure how you mean "withdrawing". I would say to detach.
Healthy Detachment...(Posted by DBer Peanut originally)
I. Detachment
Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.
Attached, we take personally ALL that is said, not said, done and not done.
When our ego gets wounded, we are more inclined to do/say things that undermine our goals.
When we are Detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.
Met with love, we are in a position to diffuse the situation, and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.
On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.
Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not indifference. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’
It is the natural acceptance that we alone are responsible for how we act. We cannot control another person, but we can control how we respond to them.
We are responsible for our own actions (no one else is).
We are responsible for our own happiness. (No one else is)
PART II Detachment (found around here)
Detachment is the:
* Ability to allow S the freedom to be him/herself.
* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix S from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.
* Giving S "the space" to be him/herself.
* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with S.
* Accepting that I cannot change or control S and it was never my "duty/job" to do so.
* Establishing of emotional boundaries between me and S, so that both of us might be able to develop our own sense of autonomy and independence.
* Process by which I am free to feel my own feelings when I see S falter and fail and not to feel responsible for his/her failure, faltering or learning.
* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring, without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing, demanind or controlling.
* Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective. (=Balance is a piece of detachment).
* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to hang on beyond a reasonable and rational point.
* Ability to let people I love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to not bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks Sandi. I've read so many of your wonderful posts around the site. My problem is I don't know what sort of contact to have with her. She says she feels that I am special for her, that she wants as much contact as I'll let her, she would like to do things as the the three of us ( something that S15 doesn't want at this time). When we meet once a week for class we always finish with hugs and kisses. I am friendly but keep pointing out she is with OM and I imagine she'd want to do things with him. Her response is she doesn't talk about us with him and she can do what she wants. She wants to see us more, especially her son. I'm not initiating contact but she does sometimes. I'm brief but friendly. What do I to make her realize that we are not there for when he is working or she wants to play happy families.?
Hi Scrant, I was pretty blunt with my H and told him I wasn't willing for us to spend time as a family whilst he was in a R wih someone else. I'm a stepmum, rather than a Mum though. I know some others on the forum have a more flexible view on this in the interests of the kids. But, TBH if your S is 15 and doesn't want that anyway, I would avoid the contact. I think your W is trying to cake eat and is in denial about the consequences of her actions, and it sounds as though you're going along with that from fear of losing her.
I think 'brief and friendly' is okay - but do you want to hug and kiss someone else's girlfriend??
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thanks Sotto. I know I should think of her like that but after having known her for 25 years I find it hard to do so. Especially when she initiates. I'm still trying gauge what is best for me. It is has only been a month and I still haven't given up hope. Working on myself but she is still in my thoughts way too much. I'm trying not to let her cake eat. She hasn't been back to the home in a month, she only sees me once a week and her son only lets her see him twice a week as a taxi service. I know she doesn't like her new house, doesn't see that much of the OM during the working week. I want to give her time to think what she has lost and if the new r is worth it. Trying to keep myself out of the picture as much as possible. Not sure if giving up our class would help or if it is good to see the progress I'm making for me. Lost weight, gone out, running races etc.
She phoned today as our son is at home with minor illness. She wanted to visit him to see if he is alright but he told her no, he wanted his own space. I told her that I couldn't do anything more than tell him that his mother loved him. It his decision. She then complained about her sister criticizing her lack of contact. I told her I don't know what she does with her free time these days and I wouldn't get involved. She finished saying see you tomorrow (for class). She really doesn't understand that her actions have hurt her son ( and me obviously!). I warned her that everything would change when she left. I'm just trying to GAL, detach, be there for my son and wait and see what happens.
Looking at my previous posts I suppose my question is: How do you deal with a recently separated wife who is living with OM but wants you as a best friend? She seems to struggle to understand that her status has changed in our lives. At least she doesn't show unannounced but the attempts at friendly conversational texts always shake me as they seem to try to keep things as they were before.
Hi Scrant. I can't really offer more in advice as the vets have given you solid advice. All I can say is I can understand where you are coming from.
My .02 is that allowing WW to have friendship with us and have other needs met by OM is providing an open marriage. I think friendly interactions (like neighbor you see occasionally but not close with) with WW is okay, but nothing of a friendship sort. Right now WW needs to see consequences of her actions (she chose to live with OM and have a life with him).
WW will certainly test the friendship aspect as often as they can (mine certainly did). But while they have the best of both worlds, things will remain status quo IMHO.
As others have said, continue to detach and focus on you.
M: 33 W: 30 T: 14 M: 9 S2 BD: May/2015 (w moves into spare bedroom one week later) EA / PA (discovered): June/2015 W moves out (living with OM): Sep/2015
Hi Scrant, I would say if she is strugglling to understand, you haven't yet made it abundantly clear.
Now, without being mean & cold, what does that look like?
No social chat with her Brief, none or delayed answers to texts Only answer business texts Returning keys if S Making your own plans
And if she asks you to do something together - respond, no - that doesn't work for me.
None of this need be mean - but it does convey the message - we won't be friends. She is keeping you on the back burner in case things go south with OM.
I would get off that back burner and leave her waaay behind with yucky OM. If she wants to catch you up, she's gonna have to run!
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
