Thanks for the advice everyone. Sotto, I was thinking of taking an opportunity when w complains about son not wanting to do anything with her to point out that our family doesn't exist anymore. Remind her how I feel but while she is with OM we can't do family things because we aren't a family. Too direct? What do you all think? As for the classes, continue or give up. It is a point of contact. I really don't know
Hi Scrant, when she complains about your S, I would purely validate. Hold back from wanting to 'point things out.' Have you read the validation cheat sheet? As you have S, and presumably have limited contact, I would base many of your responses on this.
If not doing things as a family is a core boundary for you and you are prepared to 'die on that hill' (I was) then be direct with her. As for the classes, that's up to you. Do the classes help you move forward? If they don't, drop them. If you long for a bit of contact, be wary of that. If you can go along and be (as I think it was Defacto would say) a street walkin' cheetah with napalm in my pocket...then go for it. But if you go for class, I wouldn't use them as a chance to have contact with her, I would use them as a chance to have contact with others, diversify and leave your W standing....not in a mean way - but in an I'm moving forward way. But whether you can carry that off yet, I'm not sure...it's still early days in your sitch and I think that degree of confidence takes time.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thanks for your ideas Sotto. I think I like seeing her before after class for the chance we get to talk and keep some limited contact. She doesn't talk much about her life as she knows I don't care about OM. Just hearing her say we is painful enough. I normally keep upbeat and tell her the things I and son do. Show I'm getting a life. Today we will meet. If she talks about wanting more time as a family to see son or me, I was thinking of saying something like this: You'd like to do things as a family, the three of us. I'm sorry but the day you left we stopped being a family. our son saw it quicker than me. You know everything I think and feel about you but now I have to live my life and be there for our son Who knows what the future holds but for now you've gone, you have the new life you wanted and which we can't share with you. We haven't gone, you know where we are. What do you all think?
Thanks Sotto. I like it. I'll wait for the opportunity when we say goodbye if opportunity arises. Probably it will come up in general conversation making it difficult to walk away! At the moment we haven't separated any of our finances or formalized anything about house, cars etc. We said we'd trust each other to leave the small amount of money there for our son. It has only been a month so I think it is too early. I don't want to move the process along, leave door open etc. the right thing?
As she is a WW, have you read the five threads about LBH's with a WW at the bottom of the 37 rules? Those are important reading I think.
If those threads are right, your W will be fuelled by resentment, rebellion and entitlement. She will expect to continue things with OM, whilst you meekly comply (from fear of losing her). She wants you to remain right where you are - an option for her to return to, should plan A fail. I think that is the myth you need to dispel through your actions.
If you stay 'right where you are' with the door open, you don't upset the equilibrium. However, if you (for your own wellbeing, not for effect) truly start to move forward with your own life, fully accepting her decision to leave - then things can start to turn.
However, your own fear is the big thing to address before you can truly do this. Most of us fear losing more (the chance to reconcile?) But truly all is lost (for now) at point of BD anyway - it just takes us a while to realise this. However, all may not be lost in the longer term, but I don't think remaining on the back burner for your spouse is the way to go.
I think taking this time to pursue some nourishing stuff for you is the way to go - learn to sail if that's what you always wanted to do, enrol on a cookery class, take up salsa, go to some meetups. What's on your bucket list? Whatever floats your boat. These things will be good for you at a difficult time. And you aren't doing them 'in the hope things may turn' but the fact is things are more likely to turn if your W thinks - hey, he seems pretty happy without me. Plus, OM gets to meet all her needs. And being an OM, he will be an 'affair down' and probably not great at meeting his own or anyone else's needs....and so things are likely to break down there too.
However, all of this takes time and if you spend all of that waiting and hoping for signs, it will be like watching a pot that never seems to get to the boil.
So - how are you going to get out and live your life in the next couple of months??
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Great post. Yes I have read almost everything on the site! I'm trying to GAL, a bit isolated where I am. Learning to reach out more. Lots of workmates turning out to be friends to rely on. Keeping contact to once a week so I don't know or care what she is doing. Enjoying running and son's company( when he isn'out with friends). Need to find a new hobby. Cooking is a good idea. As for WW I think she is not so much angry as delusional. She thinks of me as a special friend despite everything she has done! I think her son's reaction has shaken her but she still doesn't see that she has left both of us. The advice and support here has helped to realize that I can't convince her,she already knows my good points but chooses to follow her desire for OM. I'll wait but not in limbo. As for practical issues they aren't so important right now.
Yesterday w phoned an hour and half before class to say she was nearby and could she come in to see us. S15 didn't want her coming by surprise so I met her in a bar nearby. I explained that it was uncomfortable to receive surprise visits. She told me that she had been to a talk given by a psychologist about kids and divorce. ( which is ironic considering she stopped going to hers when she was told things she didn't want to here). She wanted to do things as a family. I told her that we weren't a family since she left. She said we are a different model of family. I disagreed and we left it there. I talked about things I and S had been doing. She wanted to see photos from my race which surprised me. I told her some of my plans, cooking class etc.She is filling her life with courses and activities but we didn't talk about r or OM. When I mentioned S wanted to try sushi she tried to arrange a meal at a new Japanese restaurant but I gently said no. In the end I stopped the conversation by saying I was going back to see son as he was still recovering from fever. She said she was tired and wouldn't go either. Leaving she gave me a kiss and a long hug, commenting on the fragrance I was wearing, two more kisses and goodbye. I don't read anything into it. I don't feel too bad as I haven't made any plans for her to be with us. S and I will continue on with our lives. I can't change the difficulties in her life. She knows what I think, only she can change herself.
Sounds like she wants cake with double icing on top! And it sounds like you are playing it cool and detaching well!
Good Job!
Wrt to GAL: have you tried to join a running club and have you tried cycling, either road or off road? Mountain biking with S15 would be great fun! My local road club has dozens of members and I can join a club ride most days of the week. The running club goes out on Mon, Wed, Sat and Sun - In fact our running club has more female members than male - so always good even for eye candy.
Other options, gym , yoga, spinning classes, book club, learn to play an instrument etc, dance class (I am learning salsa and loving!). Volunteering for the scouts is also great fun
Last edited by isittoolate; 11/19/1511:10 AM.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
Sounds like you did really well. Just one thing on the hugs and kisses. I would ease off on these and only hug or kiss like you might do with your grandma. Plus, I hope you're also wearing a little expensive cologne if you meet
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
