V, that was heartfelt, beautiful, and encouraging. Thank you. Exactly what I needed at this point in time. I am really ashamed of my recent action that has gotten me in so much trouble. I didn't mean to do it, but I am responsible for putting myself in a dangerous position. Your words of encouragement on that subject really helped heal something in me...I felt warmth as I read it and felt the healing begin.
I'm going to forgive myself already. I know I didn't intend to become destructive. I don't need to care about what H and his friends think. Soon they will all be part of the past, and not something to concern myself with. I'll take responsibility, accept my punishment, and pick up the pieces after.
I've also made another decision that will be somewhat life altering. I've spoken of being the child of an alcoholic. My dad was not the only alcoholic in his family, so the nastiness goes through several generations. Many of my family members are judgemental and toxic. I've decided to cut ties with anyone who offers me something other than love and support.
I really have no boundaries at all. I will listen patiently while others tear me apart, and apologize for making them feel badly! What craziness is this? Most of the time, the vindictiveness is inspired by jealousy of something, but I seem to think I have to put up with everything in order to keep the peace. I am not like the majority of my family. I'm different. I stand out. They call me cute things like "liberal", "hippy", etc. because I choose to love and forgive.
I'm realizing I actually like me. I feel deeply. I love to laugh. I'm easy to get along with. I make friends easily. I love music and dancing. I have some challenges, true. We all have different things to work on because we're all on different journeys. The challenges I deal with are meant to help me grow in some way. It's less about the body and more about the soul. I want to be around things and people that nourish that soul. I want to avoid the things that help strangle and harm it.
Jelly, you asked what my monster looked like; I immediately pictured a creature much like a saber-toothed tiger. A tiger with thorns in its paws. Savage, wounded, and cranky...that is my monster. Great. Next I'll be naming it. LOL
Julie, my husband's friend is the one who needs to drop the charges - but since the state picked it up, it won't help much. I've got an idea that will probably make H happy and prove I've made restitution to his friend. I WILL get it in writing and recorded, though. I'll make allowances in the divorce that will amount to the funds H had to pay to repair friend's truck. It was me behind the wheel, so I'll be responsible and pay up. Making restitution will be huge, too, according to attorney.
Hopefully will get lots of questions answered tomorrow. I wish my heart would settle down. Maybe tomorrow I'll find some more peace.
I'm realizing I actually like me. I feel deeply. I love to laugh. I'm easy to get along with. I make friends easily. I love music and dancing. I have some challenges, true. We all have different things to work on because we're all on different journeys. The challenges I deal with are meant to help me grow in some way. It's less about the body and more about the soul. I want to be around things and people that nourish that soul. I want to avoid the things that help strangle and harm it.
I think I'm starting to "get it".
This, Ancaire is the start of healing. True healing. I know you've got some challenges in your situation that you need to forgive yourself for. Many of us do. When I spoke to an IC about my addictions he replied, "Welcome to the human race. And trust me, you're an angel compared to the stories I hear. But you think you're a monster because you played a role in destroying your M, you're not even in the monster ballpark."
Still I struggled. It's taken this entire 10 month journey to unravel forgiveness. You made a mistake, I'll say the same thing - you're just human Ancaire. So you made a mistake. Big (censored) deal.
Forgiving yourself comes along with holding yourself the standard you listed above about who gets to spend time with you, forgiveness is much easier when you surround yourself with people that can see past one act of your story and into the depth of the main character. The more of them you are around, the more you're going to start believing them when they tell you are wonderful.
Soon your own belief about how amazing you are will be the prevalent thought in your life. It will eclipse your pain and the memory of being imperfect.
Congratulations on developing the insight you listed above. It's the first step in a wonderful process of enjoying your self and your life.
Big hug,
PP
Last edited by PigPen; 11/12/1506:43 AM.
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
Anc, please don't confuse shame and guilt. By all means feel all the guilt you want. That is about what you do, atone and use that guilt to move you to action.
Shame is about who you are, some shame is healthy, after all we wouldn't run about the shopping centre or court in the nude! Other shame is dragging you down its damaging to the spirit.
Your actions do not define you as a person. This doesn't make you a wicked human, just one who made a mistake and had an accident. Own it, be responsible, atone it, apologise and recognise. Hold your head high this isn't shameful.
It's ok, human even, so for tomorrow, here are buckets of rainbow strength for the very best outcome.
I am holding your hand in spirit as you face this challenge. You are healing, accept this peace.
Hugs
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 11/12/1506:40 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
This book is a classic on the subject. When I read it, I said OMG repeatedly. From what you described in your post this book will really resonate with you. Quick read, reasonably priced, e-book also. Let me know what you think after you have read it.
Wonderful, now let's see you act.on that. Let's see you start to treat yourself not only like you like yourself, but that you love yourself, more than you ever hAve before. If you can't try, how can you expect anyone else to.
We have made so many sacrifices for our spouses and kids and work and the dog and the neighbor, on-and-on, but seldom showed ourselves that same effort. Embrace the opportunity to pamper yourself, show you that YOU are worth it.
I've read so much of what you've types to others and you have an amazing heart and mind. Thank you for all that you have shared with others!
Had a calm conversation with H in which I outlined my idea to repay out of pocket costs he had to pay related to my accident. Insisted any agreement we come to be in writing to add to Divorce documents. Asked for written confirmation of the costs. He finally told me insurance did cover his friend's truck, but it wouldn't pay for the tree I hit. They're claiming the tree is worth $5000. LOL
I will continue to be calm and insist on getting agreements in writing and signed. I'm not being mean about it either. I'm just claiming I need it for the Lawyers. I completely ignored all H's self-pitying comments and jabs at me this time. It helps to know exactly what it is I need to discuss, keep to the topic, and leave when the conversation begins to change.
I think my willingness to make amends, while not on his terms but clearly to his benefit, might be helping calm the situation a bit. I'm still having trouble breathing along with a racing, pounding heart. I'm resting and practicing deep breathing.
I'm losing so much. The roof over my head, leaving my twins here, and my pets (2 cats and a dog.) The boys are happy here. My mom is allergic to my beloved fur babies. I can't afford them anyways. All my kids in the same town for the first time in years. First grandchild on the way....and I have to move to a city 3 hours away with just a suitcase.
I'm trying not to focus on it so much, because I need to worry less about what I'm losing and more about what I'm gaining...but it's hard. It will be so nice to be around someone who truly loves me.
Last edited by Cristy; 11/13/1511:19 PM. Reason: per forum agreement, do not mention other books/authors
