Still on the first chapter

[Enigma]

Thanks PigPen. Oh yeah, forgot about the artist and you're right did put me to sleep as well... very soothing.

Thanks for the support. I'll be honest, the first 2 months I was an emotional rollercoaster. Thanks to the lurking and reading other threads here after a month in, I found the advice to others in similar situation helped me greatly. It's true no matter how many times we need to be told, focusing on ourselves during this terrible time is key. It's once I wrapped that around my brain "self care mode", things slowly became positive. Not overnight mind you, but I gradually saw an internal change.

You guys are all awesome and this is a great place. Will certainly leverage the wisdom resonating throughout this board.

E

[Enigma]

Well... got an email from WW (she's working again as just found new job). Again her work visa situation complicated things (and another reason perhaps she's not pursuing D aggressively...)

It was a winded email basically saying:
1. Computer is in the shop so apologizing for delay in responding to email(brand new computer ???)
2. Replaced phone (again months old ???? - not understanding excuses but oh well I never advised I was upset she never got back timely and I truly wasn't).
3. Holiday schedule for S2 coming up around Christmas. Now this one is important. My mom is in town and WW is trying to accommodate (amazing).
4. She has Cervix cancer issues that requires surgery. This to happen in January likely. I read up on common issues. The most common is HPV (ie. sexually transmitted via partner). OM? Or just coincidence and genetic? The reality is.... doesn't matter. This is her path to deal with now. She is only 30. She wants me to watch S2 the weekend she needs to rest up.

I'm going to respond this afternoon. I'm thinking of starting email with validating and expressing empathy her issue of surgery #1. I don't think I will agree to watching S2 straight away as I'm thinking... what if I've already had plans? What would she do then? I'm not doing this to be harsh, but consequences of events are as they are meant to be. Next I will get into holiday schedule and my thoughts (I'll recommend some changes I see). Again, she's accommodating and working around me so I'll chalk that up. But I'm also looking to be fair to her where I can (ie. Taking my S2 New Year's as she has plans whereas I didn't).

I understand the holidays are a tough time of year given these circumstances. But I look at it this way... I'm grateful for what I have in my life today... there are many who are in very unfortunate circumstances that deserve more attention and care than anything I endure. And when I put things in perspective, I know I am blessed.

[sandi2]

I don't think I will agree to watching S2 straight away as I'm thinking... what if I've already had plans? What would she do then?

Or.....she could think you intentionally held her off to punish her, thus causing her to retaliate. I would try to keep things as cooperative as possible through this month, for everyone's sake.

I'm not doing this to be harsh, but consequences of events are as they are meant to be.

I understand the holidays are a tough time of year given these circumstances. But I look at it this way... I'm grateful for what I have in my life today... there are many who are in very unfortunate circumstances that deserve more attention and care than anything I endure. And when I put things in perspective, I know I am blessed.

Great attitude!

[Enigma]

Thank you Sandi. As always very much appreciate your comments. I will respond in red as I can see how I've been confusing.

I don't think I will agree to watching S2 straight away as I'm thinking... what if I've already had plans? What would she do then?

Or.....she could think you intentionally held her off to punish her, thus causing her to retaliate. I would try to keep things as cooperative as possible through this month, for everyone's sake.

[/color]This is true and can be perceived by her to be punishing. As she doesn't know the exact date of her surgery (she thinks sometime in January), I will respond that right now I'm open to timing as nothing currently planned in January, but if she would let me know as soon as she gets the surgery date so I can maintain other plans that month as early as possible. This way I can accommodate under cooperative arrangement. As I think about this more, I also see how stressful this surgery may be and don't want S2 to be in the middle of stress if can be avoided.[color:#FF0000]

I'm not doing this to be harsh, but consequences of events are as they are meant to be.

[/color]
I realize this didn't make any sense I guess I was trying to say that not immediately agreeing to watch S2 after surgery is not intentionally harsh. And if I couldn't for whatever reason, she would need to find another person to help. I know she wouldn't be happy... but I was trying to say that no one asked for this new life we have between us. We are now living two separate lives with common co-parenting obligation. And I realize that anything I focus on has to benefit S2 first and foremost. No matter how [censored] this situation is, always will try to do the right thing not only because it is the right thing to do in a loving way... but also that I know S2 will be watching and looking up and the right example needs to be set. Demonstrate by "actions". Hmmmm where have I heard this before?[color:#FF0000]

I understand the holidays are a tough time of year given these circumstances. But I look at it this way... I'm grateful for what I have in my life today... there are many who are in very unfortunate circumstances that deserve more attention and care than anything I endure. And when I put things in perspective, I know I am blessed.

Great attitude!

[Enigma]

Journaling:

On Friday, my WW texted me that her childhood dog (back in home country) had passed away. I responded about an hour later that sorry to hear and was a good dog and will always be remembered. No other communication from her since then.

Well weekend was very short but good. Didn't have S2 with me, so decorated the house for Christmas (strangely... this kept my mind occupied) and accepted an invite to neighbor's house on Sunday. My former self would refrain from social gatherings and meeting other people, but it felt great to go over to their place and meet new people at the same time.

Also, WW sent a follow up email about our Christmas schedule arrangements with S2. The email is quite long so will have to take time today to decipher and respond back. Trying to be fair for what is best for S2. Man this is so hard as will be our first split Christmas.

I'm reflecting on myself lately. I can't understand why I don't feel the pain I did in the beginning? Given the situation, I feel I should still be grieving or upset as traumatizing this is.... but I don't feel that way. Are my emotions dead? My WW said I was emotionally dead to her... to which I acknowledge I was. Early on in my S, I've explored my hurt feelings, acknowledged my anger, and tried my best to learn what was driving those emotions in me. Sure I still have moments where I feel sad, but they don't last long at all. Heck.... weekends where I'm alone don't feel so bad. Even when I'm not GAL and enjoying a good movie or reading a book. I've learned to embrace the quiet time to myself.. vs the fear I had the first few weekends I had to myself.

All I can say is that time really does help heal. I know the rate of healing varies by situation and person, and sometimes we don't notice until we look back to our situations at the beginning. At times I feel like I have not changed much.. but I hear from others that know me well that they see a big change over the past 6 months.. and for the better.

At this point I'm not sure what else I can do other than keep doing what I'm doing.

[Strngr!]

At this point I'm not sure what else I can do other than keep doing what I'm doing.

Hey E, Just wanted to say from what I can tell you are doing amazing job so i'd have to agree keep up the good work. Ive been following your sitch and you inspire me i wish i could get to the point where i am as detached as you seem to be. I got a little guy similar in age to your guy so i been taking some pointers from your sitch too. Im thinking of signing up with my S1 for some swimming classes where father and son go in pool together. Thought maybe if they have that in your area it might help with a couple of your goals be a better dad and get out and socialize. Just a thought. Anyways im rambling. Onward and Upward!

[Enigma]

Been a long while since my last post. Been very busy and moving forward as best I can (looking back I'm not sure if I've kept myself too busy or not!).

Christmas was very enjoyable and had S2 for most of the time which was awesome. I notice I have not detached as much as I'd like to think I have. Still have a ways to go. Had two but very short interactions with WW in person since she left end of September. She came to pick up S2 a few days before Christmas then dropped him off Christmas Eve. While I was a little anxious waiting for her to pick him up, once I opened the door (she never came inside nor did I invite her.... she looked like she wanted to leave right away) I realized the anxiety disappeared and I felt strangely okay. I made sure to keep things light and breezy which helped and tried to stay positive and upbeat. All in all, interactions were okay as I survived. On the second interaction where she dropped off S2, she had given me some money she owed (I had asked her to drop it off). I thanked her and said good bye then went inside. I counted the money and noticed it was shorter from agreed. Decided was okay and ignored asking her further. About 20 minutes later she sent a text asking if I received the full amount saying S2 was playing in her purse and took it out and was all over the place. I replied and advised was a little short and she could put in sealed envelope with S2 bag when we do next exchange at preschool. She simply replied with "yeah that's fine". That was exactly a week ago and no communication since. This whole exchange just seemed strange to me, but obviously had a toll on my thoughts. Again, this proves I'm still attached.

I realize I still think about WW a lot. My mind wanders that way on a daily basis. I've had strange dreams about her and OM. But these thoughts don't appear to control me as they did in the first 3 months where I was lost. Also, I've noticed the anger has gone down over last few weeks. I just feel more at peace with myself overall. My original fear of being alone most of the time has largely subsided as I embrace that time when I have it. With my mind running constantly, I'm not sure if I have properly faced or dealt with my emotions properly. My IC said I was fine and I will probably set up a new appointment soon. At times I wonder if I'm not human as I should be dealing with stronger emotions over this S? But overall I feel fine.

Quickly back to Christmas... my mom came down to visit which was great. After S2 went to sleep I can honestly say that I've had the first authentically honest talk with her since I can ever remember. Many parts of the conversation were emotional with raw honesty on my part (I had a hard time in the past as just wanted to make everyone happy... especially my mom). And afterwards, felt good and I need to move forward with this. I learned so much of my mom and her life last week than I had in my previous 30+ years... incredible. I still need to work on my validating however. I can see DB'ing principles are across all relationships in life so they have a lifelong benefit if can practice and build consistently.

Now I will see WW New Year's eve again. Will keep things light and breezy as last couple interactions. I will get S2 for New Year's weekend. Have a Toy Story trilogy lined up, will make some new fun snacks for us, and toast with apple juice for a "pre" celebration as I doubt either of us will make it to midnight. WW will be going out to party with her friends (or so she told me). I still can't believe she chose her life.. she hated partying or drinking for as long as I've known her. Now complete opposite. Oh well.. she's living life the way she sees fit. For me, I will focus on my amazing S2 who is just so much fun.

Thanks for listening everyone!

[Enigma]

With 2015 coming to an end, the most challenging road is ahead in 2016. I will be making some very important life changing decisions.

With being in a different country from both WW family and mine, we've had to make many adjustments. We have no family around where we live (all plane ride away). WW has built her new circle around work friends and OM and his family. I just have a few friends here. But S2 is growing up with no family around.

2016 will be a year I have to think about moving back home to be around family and close friends. WW knew our stay here wasn't permanent although she is looking for some way to stay here as she mentioned she wanted to do. I don't believe S2 would be as happy here as he would back home. But I also know worse case we could build a life here. The only thing I know for sure is that I will be living wherever my S2 is and will work to ensure that happens. Whether that is here or back home.. that will be what I will have to reel through. I said I would wait until 2016 to make that call.. well we are pretty much there.

Will enjoy the roll out of 2015 and let my thoughts explore next week on this issue. I'm glad I've given myself time gather how I feel about this. Just such a tough decision and will be a life changing path either way.

[Enigma]

Well WW is having her procedure today from what she advised me. I am taking S2 again for the weekend which I love having extra time with him when I can. She texted earlier this week confirming would be okay for me to have him. She even suggested that depending on how her procedure goes she would want to pick him up from my place. I texted her that I think it is easiest that I keep him the entire weekend. She said "okay I guess" To be honest, I also just don't feel like seeing her and just want to enjoy my time with S2 to which splitting a weekend to me is odd.

I've also texted her about vacation time next month and if she can watch S2. There was an oversight in her email and I have an issue on one of the days where I won't be in town but she also has an issue that day. I owned up to my error, but she is still going to try to resolve on her end. This leads me to an observation. She has been very accommodating since she's moved out. She will text suggesting something logistically for S2. I respond with what I feel is best. And then she just goes with what I've said and agrees. I've never seen her this way before as she's always been fiery and stubborn. Just an observation. In the past, roles were reversed and I used to just agree and avoid conflict.

I still dream and cycle thoughts about her. Can't help it and I do my best to explore my feelings when I do have those thoughts.

I know this is a journey and takes time, but it really feels like she has moved on. Again, to her she never cheated. In her mind she ended the relationship with me and then started one with OM. Oh well, not important but is what I think from time to time. Need to shift back to myself now.

And as I look back to BD and before, I can see changes. I used to loath myself and feel unworthy as a person. Didn't deserve happiness. I was tied up emotionally with WW and her happiness = my happiness. I see now how wrong this was. When I started to focus on myself and put myself first (took therapy and reading) I began to feel different. Although the S [censored] with what has happened BD, I feel like I've reconnected with my lost self. This is what I can control and working towards. Am I where I want to be as a person? No. Am I working towards improving myself and aspects of my life? absolutely. Is there a start and finish to this process? In my mind no.. this is continuous.

So to all that are new here on this board and with fresh pain. You will reach a better place. It is true that the focus on yourself is important as you need to stir that inner strength. At first the steps you take forward are small but that's okay. You may even take a few backwards but that is fine as well. Don't dwell on the mistakes.. learn.. practice.. and move forward. Eventually more steps will be taken forward and will move faster as inner strength increases.

I know there is a way to go, but I've let go of the outcome what happens. To be honest I'm not sure if this is a good thing or not, but I know it eases the suffering I once had when all I did was cling to MR. I feel like a horrible person and like I'm giving up when I say I don't care whether WW and I get back to together or not. Like I've failed. True in terms of our relationship that may be the case, but I feel as though I've saved myself and reconnected with who I once was.

My thoughts for the day.

[Enigma]

Boy this is hard. No matter how much I'd like to think I've detached I'm only fooling myself. I wish there was some button I could press where I wouldn't think of my WW daily. The unfortunate truth is that I do. Of course I miss her, and love her, but I grapple with the fact she has moved on and will likely never want to reconnect with me.

Being about 8 months in I really don't know what to do anymore. I feel I have done my best in moving forward with my life as much as I can. But I'm afraid by me moving into a new life of my own WW has viewed this as officially "over" and now she has her life. I know I know.. I was fired basically on BD as her H. It's been over since then. But all the signs have been pointing towards no hope in sight for a new MR. We are drifting further and further apart.

I don't care to speak with her nor see her. With little contact, I feel better and stronger and mind a little clearer. But when she contacts me about S2, it's like I feel a bit down again where it's annoying to feel that way. I still act cordially and answer with short responses but deep down I feel low. Then after a bit of no contact again I feel better. I wish there was a way I could get away from this cycle. Haven't found a way yet. For only the 2nd time since she moved out end of Sep she called me yesterday. I didn't feel like answering to be honest and thought if it was important she would leave a message. She didn't so I just ignored. Strange as she usually texts. We had a lot of snow yesterday and was around the time she would have picked up S2 from school (thought something about a closure from school today). But no, nothing said via text nor VM.

Sigh. Just a low day for me so wanted to vent. I still don't know if the path I'm taking is the right one, but my gauge overall is how I feel about myself vs. before BD. And I do feel much better about myself now. Just gotta get through this tougher days.

Thanks for listening!