Becoming the Anchor, Part 5

[gonegrl]

Ancaire, a friend of mine went through something similar and she went to a women's shelter. At the shelter, they provided her with counseling of every kind and connected her to social services programs, helped her set goals, gave her toiletries and supplies, etc- really gave her whatever she needed temporarily. Just a thought, there might be help out there for you that you aren't even aware of, and the staff at a women's shelter will know what is out there.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

[Mona52]

From a woman who just moved in with her mom again... I know it will not be great. But it sounds like it might be the best for the short term.

What do you need to do to be self-sufficient? Would you need a certain amount of aid? What steps do you need to take to get that aid?

If you never met H and he is completely out of the picture, how would you have income to live?

I understand the battle with the monster will make the road ahead challenging (and no, I was not speaking of H), but it is worth it to get to the other side standing completely on your own 2 feet.

What is the first step you could take to move towards a separate life from him. I am not in any way saying give up. On the contrary, I think standing up may be the fastest way BACK to him.

And I just have to say, I still have tears in my eyes from reading how he wanted you to use his lawyer. And he called you stupid???

[Ancaire]

I think I'm headed in the right direction.
Step one, deal with criminal case.
Step two, move. Get the kids to help me put my things in storage for now, and just go.
Step three, apply for aid.
Step four, if I can get the charges dropped or reduced, go back to looking for a part-time job in Phlebtomy. Get a job.
Step five, continue working on court reporting training.

In addition to the above, continuing to work on health and healing, GAL, and healing relationship with kids. It's not broken, but we've all been traumatized by what's happened and my own actions caused some damage. I promised I would make them proud, so that's what I intend to do.

[dday]

Ancaire, I like the plan. Sounds like you see the path that you need to walk. Get busy!

[Avanti]

Dday is right you have plans, what are the goals they are going to achieve Ancaire?

You are leading yourself back to basics and that's very encouraging. The answer does not lie in your sitch, it lies in you and what you do to make you an even better Ancaire.

[Gmum]

Once again, you have clear vision in very tumultuous times.
I have no doubt you'll be the one standing upright when all is said and done.
My thoughts are often with you.

[Ancaire]

I'm tired of thinking about H. There's no fixing him, or saving him. Me, however, I can do something about. Learn all I can to improve the way I see myself and how I interact with others, heal my body, heal from the emotional trauma, and reach a point of acceptance - these are areas I'm choosing to place my focus. I suspect a part of me will always love H. My belief is that makes me a person who does understand love, unconditional love. I feel badly for those people who don't understand the concept. What an unhappy life they lead.

Copied myself from another thread, so I don't lose the thought. I do need to express my steps as goals, with a specific result in mind. That's a really good next step. I feel like I'm gaining wider clarity about myself, outside of just the heartbreak of a broken M. That's a really good thing.

I've also come to an understanding about depression; I plan to start viewing it as a monster I can tame. I can't get rid of it, so I need to learn to manage it so we can live peaceably in the same house. It's not all bad in certain aspects...I feel very deeply. That is reflected in my art - I paint, draw, write poems and songs, and play several instruments. I love other people deeply. There is no lukewarm with me.

I've come up with a plan for taming the monster I've already implemented. I have to pay attention to my feelings. On an emotional scale of 1-10, the more I can keep myself between 3-7, I function very well. I also realize I can feel my emotions moving in either direction. I'm using stops and visualizations to keep my emotions in the desired zone. This is new to me, so it's hard work - but I'm feeling such empowerment! I'm getting good at this. The few times I've gone too far down the scale, say I'm at a 3 and know I'm sinking, I've kept to my prearranged plan for it and called one of my daughters. Before I know it, I'm laughing and perking up. Above a 7 can be anger or "highs". If I'm super happy, it's not so bad on the surface, but I know now that I'm out of control above 7, even if I appear happy. It can flash to rage in an instant because I'm not managing the emotion.

This is just what I've worked out on my own, so if it sounds like junk science, it might be. It's working, though! So just like DB, I'll keep doing more of what works.

Thanks so much for the advice and encouragement. I'm moving in the right direction.

[JulieH]

Ancaire,

Isn't alimony dependent upon how much you earn? Wouldn't it be beneficial for husband to drop charges so that you can get a job? Could you use that as leverage?

[JellyB]

hi Anc,

Knowing your baselines is a great thing, not junk science at all. Being able to recognise your feelings for people like us is really important. Your scale is awesome something I use as well.

I have been managing my mood and emotions most of the week after a trigger event at work. I commend you implementing your go to mood stabilizers!! Keep rocking it Anc. Mind over emotions, even when ours are feeling out of control.

I like the vision of you taming your monster. I wonder what yours looks like, imagine if you could turn it into to Sulley from Monsters Inc, every time it turned up.

For now Anc, much love JellyBXX

[Vanilla]

Letter to Anc and others who are targets

Anc,

There are things I would like you to know, I stand on the next junction in front of you, a stream of us along the stony path you follow to the sunlight.

That which your derogator says is untrue, completely untrue, you are precious wonderful and a gifted spirit. You are unlike the one who it would be believed you are, you are whole although it may not feel that way, you are resolved and strong even if you are perceived as weak. Donot believe the advertising about you, it is but marketing hype. They are just words, only rhetoric, they do not define you, your actions define you not another's words about you.

Your spirit is healthy and you can grow and live and love. You have that within you, you have a warm heart unlike the bitter blood of the detractor. Your heart beats it is not made of stone but of flesh. You bleed and that is the stuff of life. Your detractor is as a mossy rock with little choice but to be desert sand, incapable of any long term life and joy. Such people are empty as they won't have much to fill their lost souls. Do not pity them, this is their choice, their chosen waste, you need not be held by their wishes of destruction for you.

Your body may be locked down with woes and worries and your spirit can soar, like a wounded bird repairing its wings ready to start to fly. Your mind is free to be and that is fearful to a controller. Now the spell is broken, the mask fallen, the one who would bind you knows there is no control left. Your thoughts are your own, creative and ready to be yours alone, they are no longer planted as a weed at random in the garden of your mind. The flowers and fruit of autumn will bear in due time, the brightening spring of reason shows the wheat will be different from the chaff. Your mind is fertile ready fertiliser for the loving of your own self by you, this will bring forth buds of new green growth.

The detractor needs to take your thoughts, your independence, so that the will of the detractor prevails. He knows those are now your own, that makes you strong and him weak.

You believe if others know the truth then you wiill stand ashamed in ash cloth, know that you have nothing to fear from the truth. You are a lady, after all a strong and beautiful woman with courage to face that which you must, you will stand strong and joyous in the sunlight of truth. The dawn of Anc comes no matter what the course. Stand strong and firm face the sun as it rises blood red, lighting the sky with promise. Stand without anger, shame or fear these mean nothing as you face the freedom before you.

You are afraid, you have reason to be afraid. It would be wise to be in another place protected by the space around you. Breathe the icy air of the early spring, keeping your lungs burned with crisp new world air. It is your time to heal, once the burden of disappointment leaves your body, it is free of shackles, it is free to be the best it can be. It is free to heal without the constant stress of wondering when harm can come. Words cut because you believe them, you believe the truth of it, you believe the misery of the thousands of tiny cuts that tear you down. Words are just words, you can smile them away, "really", "i question it if you say so" and "perhaps" becomes " I think for me". That time of control is over, you no longer believe you question, you are no longer him or part of his wounded soul, you are you capable of greatness and beauty

There is much i would tell you and like you to know about the adventure to come, there are one or two obstacles before that door swings further open. It will be you that pushes this wide to freedom. The prison you live in is illusionary held by your mind. No matter what comes, that door swings open, whether found with guilt or not, the truth is known. Apologise for the inadvertacy, do that which you need to put the case behind you, that which is required and hold your head high. This does not define you, it is a passing time, let it unfold in time.

There is a reason you have protected you, a reason you have survived, it is because you are strong. Your detractor is weak, he has no soul that is whole. His heart is stone and cannot bleed, cannot feel. He needed you to perform that function, he needed you as his conscious being, he need you as his better portion. He is an empty vessel and weaker than you. He has no thought of being other than he is. He is not himself, now you have your thoughts not his, he will try to drown your thoughts with the ugliness of his control. As you become empowered so he needs to enforce his beliefs. His thoughts are weeds and thistles in the spring garden, easily weeded. You will be in full bloom in the oasis of the summer compared to the desert wastes of his spirit.

Know this you have a future whilst he only has a past glory. Every thing you do for you, with every sunrise then you can move yourself to being. I want you to know each day you become more you and less him. Each day you see new truths makes you more of you.

Your spirit and mind are free to become, no matter what.

I would have you know all of this, although it hurts to know. You can never unknow.

V