Moving Forward

[EMMess]

Good morning family,

Rouky, thank you so much for your advice. I will begin working on further setting my boundaries, and ensuring that she respects them.

I've come to realize that she has lost respect for me as a man, I know this is something that I should have realized from the beginning. I have come to realize that I have an obsessive aspect of my personality which keeps me dwelling on everything that is happening, Not to mention that my ego is bruised deep.

The last few days since she changed her flight, I have been working on letting go, forgiving, surrendering, and letting God. I feel that I am a bit more distant from the situation, not quite there, as I still feel the anxiety, the sadness. I miss my wife, I miss talking to her, I become afraid that I won't get that back, the talking, sharing, etc. That is a fear that I need to face, along with my fear of failure (just realized this). I am having a hard time letting go, because I am usually a fighter, I will stick with something to accomplish it and succeed; in this situation I really have no control, so therefore I try to hold on to some form of it, deluding myself into thinking that I can actually change the situation by holding on tight. Surrendering is my focus right now, letting our Lord, letting the Universe, Infinite Wisdom do its thing in my life. Letting go has been such a difficult thing for me to do.

I feel as if my confusion or fear has been lifting a bit, only a bit, sometimes a bit of objective thought creeps in, and I have come to realize that although we had problems before my wife was not willing to commit to working on our relationship leading up to our separation. She has never been responsible for her contribution to the failure of our marriage, and has chucked all blame in my direction, that's not only now, but also while married and together. The person she is showing me right now is not someone I would love to be married to, and I know that the weak, unattractive man I have become isn't one she would like to be married to as well. I need reclaim my personal power.

If anyone of you know of any effective ways to begin surrendering or letting go, I would love to hear it. Different perspectives are always welcomed

[mutatio]

I wake up try my hardest all day. I go to sleep and when I wake up I do it again. I know this is not a "silver bullet" but it's all I could come up with. It is effective but at a turtles pace. Be well EM, be strong

[EMMess]

Hi Mutatio,

Thank you so much for taking your time to share this. You trying your hardest to DB or to move forward?

I find myself in a situation in which my wife, has told me repeatedly she is "done" and has moved on, no in the form of physical intimacy but in the fact that she is done putting me above herself. We are leaving separately now, and only speak when we have to. Our relationship has deteriorated from H and W, to friendship, to now just co-parents. Of course, this is all disheartening. Then add the element of OM, who has her attention now, and I am beginning to question whether this is salvageable. Mostly, because she has been very selfish, and self-involved, has no respect for me and the children. The selfishness is something that has been present always, but just not to this extent, I guess because she respected me before, now she can care less. So I question, whether this is the person I would want to be with?

I still love my wife, and would love to see this workout. I am just tired of hurting and making myself so vulnerable. As well, as feeling like I am not in control of my own life. I have these feelings of comparing myself to OM, and have raised her so high in a pedestal, as if she was the only woman for me. The reason I work on forgiving, letting go, surrendering, and letting God is because I do have hope that we can be together.

At this point I am beginning to feel that it is a lot more important for me to reclaim myself, to value my self-respect, and self-worth. My worth is not defined by my wife, but right now, I feel I have made her my emotional center. How do we give up so much power to someone else? At the cost of ourselves. I am now beginning to build faith on the fact that God and the Universe has something in stored for me that would be better. I hope that is a new relationship with my wife (one who is willing to work on us as well as herself).

[angel r]

It's sad how we can let our happiness revolve around one person. When my wife left my happiness left with it. I had a friend asking me what do you like doing for fun Angel? I couldnt really answer her question. Sad isnt it? My happiness revolved around being with her. That's when i questioned myself, who am i? Why have I made myself so vulnerable? Where is my self-respect? Even while she was having an emotional affair through the internet , I always kept it to myself.

Trust me, being alone at my house has helped me tremendously. I have gotten closer to God. Something I never imagine I would do. It's amazing. I am actually relaxed and tell myself that i will be just fine with or without her. I have hope and my faith is with God that he is working on this marriage. I have become a better man mentally. I cant wait to see my daughters and be the best father to them. She is the one who will end up losing at the end, not me.

Yes there will be days where the emotional roller coaster is just too much, and you will cry yourself to sleep. But tears really do help you heal. Think positive all the time. prophesy your own future, it says it on the bible.

[EMMess]

Angel, thank you so much for stopping by and sharing with me. I have read your story and you have come a very long way my friend. Your words help me so much.

Everyday I work on being strong, in shifting my focus from her to me. This journey has been difficult and hurtful, and I am now focusing on moving forward. I want to let go, and surrender this to our God.

[EMMess]

good morning family,

This morning I am feeling better but driven by a sense of competition or better yet a fear of being left behind.

I received a call last night by my wife stating that she will need to take yet another trip because she was added to an executive all day training in the same state in which OM happens to be. I do believe that she was selected for this program as she has been doing amazing this year at work (This is part of her leaving me, as she felt that everything else in her life was going well, so why not in her marriage as well, so she says).

I am conflicted because I am ambitious as well, it is just that my family is a tad more important so I scaled back, at the same time I am happy for her, this is a great year for her, and this is a great opportunity for her. When she told me, I congratulated her, but probably wasn't as upbeat as I should have been, but not only do I feel as if she is leaving me behind, I also think about "yet another opportunity to see OM". These insecurities that have built up are not good, and I really need to let go. I need to focus on me, as my life isn't defined by her, yet I know this but still feel some way. I don't know why I feel as if I have to compete with her in our careers.

Aside from that, sticking to my morning ritual. Working on forgiving, letting go, surrendering, and letting God. I do love my wife, I just wish that we could have continue to tackle all of our future, both success and problems together as a team. Everything in her career is going great, but in her personal life is all falling apart, yet I am feeling inadequate, unaccomplished, or better yet stagnant.

God Bless

[isittoolate]

Hi Emmess

One of the nice guy traits is to put ones career on hold 'for the family' to always play it safe and never take risks ....risk = fear

Is this you? Have you read the book NMMNG? ...just a thought.

I am guilty of this as well. In my medical profession I am close to the top of the tree in terms of career progression, I could go into sales, or change career entirely, but am comfortable were I am - as I am a expert in the particular medical field I work in.

[EMMess]

Hi Isittoolate,

first thank you so much for responding so quickly. I am actually in the middle of finishing NMMNG. I do have some of the traits being mentioned in the book. I suppose I did start prioritizing my family because of my value system but I think it has more to do with the fact that she has been so focused on her career, so fear sets in, if she isn't around as much then what happens to the kids. If we are both so driven to excel in our individual careers, then will the kids be left behind, etc? These are fears or worries of mine.

These are probably weak excuses, and I am doing it more so because I am comfortable, but definitely something to examine. I, in my career, am doing well, but definitely not living to my full potential, while she is now realizing hers, so I guess I am feeling left behind. I really need to work on not comparing and being present in my own life.

So isittoolate, are you working on realizing your true potential or have you decided that your family is your definition of success? In your journey what have you come to realize?

I appreciate your thoughts.

[Enigma]

Hi EMMess,
Catching up and I see many similarities.

Hi Mutatio,
I find myself in a situation in which my wife, has told me repeatedly she is "done" and has moved on, no in the form of physical intimacy but in the fact that she is done putting me above herself. We are leaving separately now, and only speak when we have to. Our relationship has deteriorated from H and W, to friendship, to now just co-parents. Of course, this is all disheartening. Then add the element of OM, who has her attention now, and I am beginning to question whether this is salvageable.

I can relate entirely to this as my W has said she is done as well and moved on with OM (now living with him). The hardest part is letting them go and live their own life they believe will bring them happiness. All we can do is focus on ourselves and our children and try to find our own happiness from within. Being an introvert myself, this has been challenging as my W was my center as well and my best friend for years. Our contact is limited to S2 logistics, etc. too and nothing more or less.

The selfishness is something that has been present always, but just not to this extent, I guess because she respected me before, now she can care less. So I question, whether this is the person I would want to be with?

I know what you mean here as well. I've questioned whether this changed person is who I want to be with as well. While of course we still love them and want things to work out, we need to look into ourselves during this period and protect ourselves and look out for our best interests. Being a Nice Guy through my marriage, I felt I never deserved anything nice and thought my happiness depended on if my W was happy and living the life she wanted. I neglected myself and became negative and detached from life. NMMNG opened my eyes and taught me "hey, it's okay to take care of myself and do things I want to do that make me happy". The focus on my life has shifted to myself and S2 and provides me much strength.

Of course we "hope" for a new R with our W (let's face it, the old R is dead). But we stay the course with observing the reality of the S for what it is and no expectations. Hope still stays with us, but is easier to face life with no expectations of new R. I look at it now as things will unfold as they should in the Universe and God has plans for us all.

At this point I am beginning to feel that it is a lot more important for me to reclaim myself, to value my self-respect, and self-worth. My worth is not defined by my wife, but right now, I feel I have made her my emotional center. How do we give up so much power to someone else? At the cost of ourselves. I am now beginning to build faith on the fact that God and the Universe has something in stored for me that would be better. I hope that is a new relationship with my wife (one who is willing to work on us as well as herself).

This is a journey and as you gain self-respect and self-worth NOT dependent on anyone else, it is like a perpetual wheel that your attitude will slowly feel different and you will become happy with who you are and the person you will become because you CONTROL that. I still have insecurities about myself and worry what others may think of me, but that is far less than the anxiety I used to have and low self-esteem. I have a ways to go but know I will get to that point of understanding my own being and who I truly am as a person (and being happy with that person).

Through this all, our W's may see that change in us and want to R with a new relationship which is of course what we want and hope for. But this may never happen either. And learning to understand this is okay either way is the hard part of the journey because in the end we will be a better person either way.

Just my thoughts but wanted to share. Stay strong.

[EMMess]

Hi Enigma, wow, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with me. We definitely have similarities. I am sorry to hear about your situation. It is definitely not easy dealing with all of these emotions at once. Sounds to me like you have done a lot of maturing and growing during this situation, I have began thanking God for this situation as I know it was meant for me to grow and learn something valuable. I agree with you, we do hope that our wives see the changes and find it within themselves to want to R with a new relationship. We cannot stop moving forward and definitely not hold out for their sakes.

In one of my previous posts, I wrote that we need to be open to everything this new stage in our lives brings, even the possibility of meeting someone new. I still hold out hope, and know that the current relationship with my will get better with time, in what direction it goes, that I am not sure of.

Today, continuing to work on forgiveness, letting go, surrendering, and letting God. Everything happens for a reason, I am here to grow, I am dealing with continuous hurts to learn how to let go, detach, and focus on the person I lost during this marriage, myself. At least that's what I believe. Hoping to get to a point in which my wife occupies less headspace than she does currently. Working on my obsession with what she is doing and reminding myself that this is about ourselves, healing ourselves.

The following quote is one of my favorites, and I plan on purchasing it in a wooden sign to constantly remind me of its message:

Quote of the day:

“Life is too short to wake up with regrets.
So love the people who treat you right.
Forget about those who don’t.
Believe everything happens for a reason.
If you get a chance, take it.
If it changes your life, let it.
Nobody said life would be easy,
they just promised it would most likely be worth it.”

- Harvey MacKay

For those interested in somethings to stay positive:

11 secrets of the Alchemist: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2YVOaksk5lA

God Bless