6 months in the storm

[Avanti]

Well played ep0215, you deserve to feel proud of yourself.

[Ancaire]

My H is the same way. I believe you may have noticed that. He never expected me to stand up for myself in any way. I often wonder what they think is going to happen? The temper tantrums are the hardest to watch. I keep wondering if this raging idiot has been inside my H all along, and I never noticed.

You did really well. I paid careful attention so that I can follow your lead the next time he's looking for a fight.

[ep0215]

Thanks Avanti! My heart was beating so hard though but I kept my cool.

Why should I feel bad that I asked for everything that I want? He can do the same thing. He wanted out of a 10 year marriage, there are implications to that.

[Avanti]

Being courageous is about acting in spite of fear.

Negotiation is about asking for what you want and then acknowledging what the other person wants then agreeing on something that works for both sides. If someone has lost their cool earl in the engagement, it usually means they think they are going to lose, keeping composure in such situations (as you did) is the perfect response.

[asitis]

Good job. Next time you talk, you might add a little sweetener. Something like: "I've been thinking about what you said, and I agree that the last thing we want to do is cause each other any more financial harm than possible. I appreciate your willingness to embrace the cooperative approach in order to keep our legal expenses down and to try to work through our disagreements rather than just slug it out. It means a lot that even when we disagree and during this hardest time in our R, that we can listen and negotiate. Thank you."

It doesn't matter that he really isn't being this way with his melt down and threats, but it allows him to save face and back away, gives him a complement rather than continuing the argument, lets him feel heard, and re-frames this as at least a bit of a joint project rather than individuals fighting.

Keep your voice calm (as you can) and pitched low and a bit soft & slow. Let him lean into listening to you. He may not react well on the surface, but don't react to that.

If he engages you with any kind of positive response, give him a "I'm very open to listening and compromise. We both are working for what's in the best interest of our S. I'm really glad we can. So many couples I know about can't keep that central, but we are doing that."

A pat on your collective backs and reminder that this is not about you versus him, but what is in the best interest of your S.

Now question: if you are doing collaborative law, why aren't you having these talks face-to-face w/ the Ls present? I'm obviously not qualified to give L counsel, but I think I'd want a face-to-face where you open with this, looking in the eyes and sending good body language and all.

Again, well done!

[ep0215]

Ancaire, Avanit, AS - thank you for your support.

As - I like what you suggested about giving us pats on the backs. I should have anticipated this reaction from him but honestly I thought he would just ignore me, I am actually surprised he was brave enough to confront me about it. I did say something similar to the working through our disagreements rather than just drawing a line and fighting. He said he would have to call his L and talk to him.

answer: we did do all of our talking face-to-face up to this point. My L and Dr. C met and thought it best that we didn't do that anymore because this process has been very emotional for me and the parenting discussions were intense, emotionally. Plus to save funds it would be best to finish up the financials through email. This is the last piece of our settlement. My L and his L both agreed this would be where the rubber hits the road.

I just got off the phone with my L and he is't sure why this was a surprise since he let his L know exactly how we were going to come up with our numbers. If he didn't tell his client then that is not my problem. They are not unreasonable at all and I would probably get more through litigation but he will spend a heck of a lot more money. We submitted an offer, they can counter offer and then we can negotiate. We won't negotiate against ourselves so let us know what you can do, not what you won't do.

I am not sure if he will bring it up to me again, I will see him tomorrow night. Is there a way I can add the sweetener without starting a fight again?

[asitis]

Fantasy is strong in WASs often from what people report. Not surprised that reality caught him off guard. Even if his L had briefed him, he was likely in denial or heard what he wanted.

My W still thinks our negotiations will be a couple sessions and then done. Resist told you so. They have to come to this realization themselves, it is their L's job to give the wake up call rather than you. So, it probably a good thing that he is surprised at this point, as now it is up to his L to talk reason with him rather than any of this coming from you.

[123mich]

ep0215, I came across your posting. Like the way you layout your goals and how you are able to track them. Nice job!

[ep0215]

Hi 123mich - I will have to catch up on your sitch. Thanks for stopping by and the compliment. I got some really great advice

As - yes, told you so will not go over well at all. good point.

[ep0215]

Just got the email from L with STBXH's L's letter attached. There was no counter offer attached just a letter stating they fear the collaborative process has run it's course. Our ideas are too far apart and I am asking for too much. I am not sure if we will get them to reconsider and to submit what their offer would have been but the answer right now is a flat out NO.

I do not think I can sweeten him by patting him on the back because quite frankly he hasn't been cooperative one ounce since this whole process began. Thoughts?