I am anti-D. I would never be one to tell you to leave her behind and move on. However, let me ask you this: Will a change in legal status change what is in your heart? It won't for me. I think a big change in thinking for you is going to be losing the fear of that legal change. That's all it is. A piece of paper saying D, and spelling out division of assets.
Originally Posted By: Ancaire
D- please do some tough thinking. So many of us are petrified with fear at the thought of the D being final, that we let ourselves be taken advantage of in the worst ways. How "real" that D is depends on you and your heart. Some WAS only begin to reconsider after they get the D they thought they wanted. They realize their fantasy isn't nearly as wonderful as they thought it would be. Full of remorse, they come back.
D - I don't want to hijack your post so I will copy this on my thread too but I just wanted to say, Ancaire - thank you for the 2x4 today. This is actually what I needed to hear today. I think I want him to reconsider his actions so badly that I am afraid I will be taken advantage of again just to what?, stay married? I need his return to our marriage to be genuine and full of remorse and I know that won't happen overnight. I will keep doing what I am doing for myself and not for him.
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
You're welcome. That fear was a big one for me. Releasing the fear of D has helped me in many different ways. I no longer have a "deadline" to meet as far as DB is concerned. My H is nowhere near the place he needs to be for a successful R. I have all the time I need. H is beginning to understand I'm not fighting him at all anymore. It's confusing him. My PMA is improving dramatically without the pressure.
I'm sure I'll cry like a baby when it's final. Then I'll dry my tears and go back to focusing on me, and DBing when I can. H needs to crash and burn before he can see the need for change. I won't have time to worry much about him if I'm focusing on me. I meant my vows...a piece of paper doesn't change that.
I am in the middle with this idea. D means they broke their vows. I dont believe it's just a piece of paper. That marriage was a promise that through better or worse you would stand by each other no matter what. I think once i get my D , I will give up on her and just really focus on me. But thats just my point of view. Who knows maybe after i get my D my wife will realize " hey i had it pretty good what did i just do?" Or maybe she will stay with the fact that " it was just never meant to be and the feeling of wanting to come back are just going to be temporary. Who knows.
Angel, my H has broken his vows...lots of times. I'm willing to forgive, but he needs to feel some remorse - and he does not. He's determined to find "happiness". He has yet to realize the grass is greener where you water it.
He's rushing towards D, and there is nothing I can do. I HATE the idea...but the fear of it was crippling me. Once I let go of that fear, the pressure was off. I don't advocate D. It's just in some situations NOT fighting it seems to relieve pressure, and DBing can commence.
My fear of the divorce is crippling me. I never imagined I would say the words "I am divorced". I am very family oriented and it has been very difficult for me to let that go. To let him go...
Part of the problem is that everything happened so fast. We were only seperated a month and then he filed. It has only been 4 months since he filed and I am almost divorced. I feel like I have had zero time to process this because I have had to work on divorce prep.
With that said the process has stalled. We submitted our financial settlement offers almost two weeks ago and still no reply. Do I let things continue to be stalled or push him to move? I believe limbo has been worse than moving forward with this. I just don't know, my heart is so torn. I don't want to be divorced but I don't want him to have his own timeline either.
I pray he has not been friendly with me lately just to appease his guilt and that it is genuine. I pray that he is missing me and I am truly showing him he is a fool that walked away from an amazing wife. Because I am pretty darn amazing!
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
EP, My situation has gone very fast too and H said he wanted out quickly. However he is not moving things along. I am not pushing. I think I have at least 3 more months. That's 3 more months for me to adjust to my new reality and 3 more months to DB. I am also prepared for him to start pushing at any time.
I know the "in between" is terrible. My only advise is don't push, but to start to frame your thinking and live your life as is you were already divorced. If something else happens it will be a blessing.
Me53 H48 M 13 No children together BDMay '15 PA June '15 H moves out,files 8/15 wants "quick divorce" but does nothing Me sending proposal 12/15, court dates upcoming
Goal: I am a better mother to S4 which makes us connect joyously - I have not lose my temper - I have validated his feelings at least once every day - I am speaking softly - I am calling to say good night when we aren't together - I have planned one new GAL activity for us - I have give him my undivided attention while playing [/b]4/5 - I am doing really well with this one. Our relationship has improved and his behavior has improved dramatically this month. I need to work on the attention and practicing my validation.[b]
Goal: Show compassion towards H to ease our communication -I have validated when speaking to him when appropriate - I am thanking him 2x weekly - I always take deep breaths before responding to texts - I ask S4 if we can call to say goodnight when they are apart - I make eye contact when we see each other [/b]2.5/5 - Eye contact is still difficult and I am nervous when I am around him. I am taking deep breaths even before responding to him in person instead of letting my emotion control my response. I can see baby step improvements in his reactions to me too.[b]
Goal: I proudly co-parent with the best of them - I minimise our differences for S4's well being when making decisions - I politely and firmly inform him of matters pertaining to S4 and ask his opinion which I consider carefully - I reinforce my boundaries - I send pictures of milestones with S4 so he has the opportunity to feel included [/b]4/5 - No obstacles have come up since writing out my goals so I am giving this a high score because part of progress is also what isn't happening. He has sent pictures of his time with S4 these past two weeks, he hasn't done that since the beginning of September. I didn't even have to ask him to send them.[b]
Goal: Be a better me so only a fool would leave - I continue to attend church on Sundays - I update my weekly plans without fail - I exercise 2x a week - I catch up with my friends daily and see how they are doing - I continue to make my home feel like mine [/b]3/5 - Let's be honest, the only exercise I have done is walking with S4 when he rides his bike. I need to improve the exercise. Especially with the holidays coming up, I will need get out my anxiety somehow and the turkey, and the ham, and the pie. Oh man, the pie![b]
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
You are doing well with your goals ep0215, congratulations!!
You've spotted where you need to improve that's great. The one I'd spend some time on is working out what you mean by exercise, walking, running, swimming, yoga... Be clear in your goal wording, give each element context and clarity wherever possible, otherwise your brain doesn't know how to help you achieve your goal as it doesn't know what it's aiming for.
Exercise does wonderful things to your body chemistry and gives you a lift just at the right time. It's hard to get into a routine of doing it but that's an excuse and we don't make excuses on this forum do we. if you aren't the sporting type adding stuff to your day like walking to the shops rather than taking the car, getting off the bus one stop earlier and walking the extra mile or so, go up and down the stairs in your house a few times more than you do normally. It all helps and it doesn't have to be about "the gym".
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
I love how you have organized your goals. Very quantifiable. I really love the ones regarding how you interact with your son. Undivided attention really makes a difference with the behavior ! And I find validating kids with meltdowns is great practice for spouses as well
PS: you do sound amazing!
Last edited by JulieH; 11/02/1502:38 AM.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
Just got off the phone with STBXH – he was pissed! I answered and said hello, the first thing out of his mouth was “is this how this is going to play out?”
Me: I am not sure what you are talking about H: I just got a letter from L stating your offers. Are you kidding me? We will just quite the collaborative process right now and go to litigation. Me: I can tell your upset and we can talk about this when you calm down
He then proceeded to cry to me that he is going into debt to pay for this divorce and how is he supposed to live if he gives me what I want? Blah, blah, blah. (I am not concerned one bit how he can pay for this divorce) I stayed so calm, y’all! I am so proud of myself. I said that I had every right to ask for what I want out of this divorce and so does he; he can submit his offers and the negotiations can continue. He is willing to give up on the collaborative process yet again because I didn’t give him what he wanted without thinking of me. Why do I want to stay married to this man? Called L but he hasn’t called me back. This just goes to show that he made a rash decision and filed for divorce without even considering what the lifelong implications were.
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
if you aren't the sporting type adding stuff to your day like walking to the shops rather than taking the car, getting off the bus one stop earlier and walking the extra mile or so, go up and down the stairs in your house a few times more than you do normally. It all helps and it doesn't have to be about "the gym".