Tinydoc's first post, 5 months in.

[Azzork]

Im sorry to read all of this, TD. Ill give my thoughts.

I keep going in and out of the anger stage, and taking it out on him (opposite of divorce busting).

How do you guys deal with anger at your spouse when they've acted so terribly?
Its natural to feel angry. Its the middle stage of grief. While, its OK to feel the anger, what you do with it is what is important. Instead of using it to attack him, use it as fuel for yourself. When youre at the gym, think of this and drive yourself to do more. When youre thinking of staying in with a pint of ice cream, remember this, and go GAL it up instead. As I think CaliGuy says, use your anger as jet fuel to propel yourself forward. As you can see from the rest of this, using your anger as a sword against your H wont do any good for you or your R with him.

It's in the past now, but mine told me he wanted a divorce over the phone, while I was in another state, alone, with no friends or family nearby. To make it even worse, a coworker was supposed to come with me and couldn't come at the last minute, so I was especially sad and alone. Later I found out that he was texting his close female friend the entire time, a minute by minute update of our conversation. (This is not the person he is currently involved with, but I suspect he and this female friend did sleep together).
Yeah....that [censored]. Theres not really a GOOD way to tell someone you want a divorce. Mine told me in MC. Didnt hurt any less. I do agree that giving the live updates is cruel, but we already know he was being selfish, so what would you expect?

How can someone do that? It's probably one of the most horrible and personal discussions one could have, and he told me when I was entirely alone with no support system nearby. I've brought it up and he has never once acknowledged it or apologized. I'm not sure it would even make a difference, or what effect an apology would have.
We all want to hear "Im sorry". But does it really matter? What will hearing those words actually do for you?

I know I was holding resentment towards him before all of this, for how he abandoned me financially before we were married. I don't think I could get past this on top of what was already there. Similarly, he had difficulty with my anger before this happened, and now I am even MORE angry. I am certain for him it is better to cut his losses and move on (which he has done already). Probably for me too. But then I think of the times he was there for me and I get so sad all over again and I just wish we could make everything better.
Dont worry about the stuff in bold. Worry about you. And today. And maybe tomorrow. Its not about moving on. Its about rebuilding.

Today he told me to think about how I was acting, and whether acting antagonistic at this point would get me what I want (Joint ownership of the dog). I brought up how he asked for a divorce, and how he has never acknowledged that it was a cruel, vicious and destructive way to end a marriage. No response. I don't know why I was expecting one.
You wont get a reply to the stuff in bold, because he doesnt think it was cruel, vicious, etc. Somehow, all you can do is let it go...

Speaking of which, how is your GAL work coming?

[TDball]

I was reading about passive aggressive husbands last night, and while I oppose diagnosing ones spouse, it did capture our interactions quite perfectly. He was always "forgetting", or doing things after I had already started, or using avoidance to deal with his problems, A theme that came up was how it created overwhelming anger in the other spouse, who then felt crazy for being so angry over something that seemed so inconsequential. Meanwhile the passive aggressive spouse could then justify his feelings of hostility by turning to the wife and saying "why are you always so angry?"

I feel like we had the same conversation so many times, and he would agree to meet my needs, and then wouldn't do it. It really wore me down. I tried to approach the issue so many ways, or figure out ways to do it myself, but I felt like I could never make my needs heard. Over time it did make me feel crazy, and hopeless, and angry, it felt good to know I wasn't alone.

I mentioned my anger to my IC, but after talking about it,she thought it was hiding a lot of hurt. I agree.

GAL has been okay. I went to see my sister in law and nephew yesterday. I also started a divorce support meetup group and have 30 members! But now I need to actually plan an activity. And I may go on a date, I think I'm finally ready.

[Rouky]

Just a thought but are you really ready to go on a date. If you are still angry at your H, could it be that you have still some feelings for him?

Personally I think I'll be ready to date when my love for my H will be on the same level as the love I have for my siblings or parents. I love my family to bits but I don't need to leave with them and be with them everyday like I'd with my H.

Take your time, no need to rush :-)

[TDball]

He is not letting me see our dog,

We had an arrangement where I saw her on weekends, but I said I would like to see her more often-i requested a two weeks on/two weeks off schedule. He sent me an email this afternoon saying I can no longer see her at all, that he blocked my texts and won't pick up the phone, and this is non negotiable.

How is this monster the same man I married? I fell apart when I read the email. I don't really know what to do. Ugh.

[ep0215]

TD I am so sorry - I loved my dog so much and couldn't imagine H taking her away from me. Have you talked to your L about it?

[TDball]

The dog was our only thing to settle. I haven't talked to my L. I'm not sure what to do. My L had said from the start that we should settle this on our own because if I took him to court for custody I would probably lose (with my schedule and everything). I don't even want full custody, I just want joint ownership. I was unwilling to concede ownership to him because I was afraid he would do something like this, On the other hand, I don't think he has the money to take me to court.

When I gave her back on Sunday, earlier than I had wanted to, he assured me he would let me have her back on Friday, I can't believe he went back on his word.

Yesterday I sent him an email outlining my proposed plan for joint ownership. I also told him that I finally agreed with him that ending our marriage was for the best. I know he is lashing out at me, probably for a combination of the two things, but it's working. I was so close to taking a cab to his apartment, but luckily my family talked me out of it. They are also telling me to stop fighting, and that I won't be able to move on as long as we have to have contact over the dog. But I love my dog, and I can't imagine never getting to see her again. It feels so unfair- my husband and my dog were the things I loved most, and he took the two most important things away from me.

[Rouky]

So sorry, my dog means the world to me. Could you for instance give him today's grace and late tonight text him/ send him an email saying that you both have ownership of the dog and that like kids, you want to see him/ her.

[Azzork]

They are also telling me to stop fighting, and that I won't be able to move on as long as we have to have contact over the dog.

Would they tell you to stop fighting if it was a child? If its that important to you, then I dont see why you should stop fighting.

And really, what exactly are they looking for you to move on TO, right now?

[TDball]

Azzork, exactly! They don't have dogs, so they don't understand. I didn't understand either until I had a dog, so I suppose I cant blame them too much.

I sent an email saying he went back on his word, and he wrote back saying the dog is his and its non negotiable. It's almost funny how childish this argument is.

I wrote another one, first saying that means we have to go to court for a contested divorce. Then I wrote one urging we see a pet mediator, but to first take a week to cool off. Neither one of us really has the money for a contested divorce.

On the other hand, if he was really happy with his girlfriend, wouldn't he have better things to do than try to hurt me? I would probably think "sure, spend time with the damn dog, I have this incredible human to spend the weekend with instead."

Pretty sure I now know what people mean when they say they could never take thier spouse back after seeing how they act during a divorce.

[TDball]

I went on a date this weekend. It was probably a good thing and a bad thing.

The good: I know I wasn't satisfied in my marriage because I always felt like I was my husbands parent, in a way. I didn't feel like he was my partner, since we weren't working towards anything together. It was nice going out with someone who seems more like an equal-someone with a career, who is financially secure, has a retirement account, etc. It reminded me what was missing in my marriage, and how I important those things can be. I resented my husband for making me take on all of the responsibilities, and going out with someone who has more of his life together helped reinforce that,

The bad: Im so much more attracted to my husband than to anyone else, I definitely settled for some of the his less desirable qualities because I found him so physically attractive. I'm sure that deep down I didn't think I was worthy of such an attractive man who also had his life together, and figured I would have to settle for someone less successful. And I miss him.

No updates on the dog issue. I miss her a lot, but don't have high hopes that he will let me see her this weekend.