6 months in the storm

[Vanilla]

I think your email was on point.

It said exactly that which you needed it to say.

The Web site that has lots of resources, many tools are free is mind tools, it's a business website. I have mentioned it before.

Don't worry if your goals aren't honed and perfect it's more important to have them.

An action plan is what we create from our goals. Sometimes I start with an action plan and work backwards to the goal.

It's often easier to decide you are doing something and then work back to the goal.



You can also try a mind mapping tool to work out your goals, it's fun and kids love learning it too. You can use your tablet there are a few free apps, but good old coloured pens and ink help. Or my system a pin board for my aims and a cheap white board for writing and rewriting. A cheap children's writing pad too.

It's a fun way to do it. It's the Nike solution, it's that which works for you.

Find someone on the board whose style of goals you really like and steal their system. Copy, mimic, take their goal if it's similar and adapt it.

Then journal like crazy, what worked, what didn't, what can be improved on. A big hint is to use index cards to shuffle actions. I also use excel spreadsheets to list goals, one tab for each goal and then lists of actions. I really do.....

Nuts huh!

I will help if I can, just start.

V

[Vanilla]

Ep

You can only have goals for you. You can't set them for WH and his behaviour.

So a goal which asks WH to do anything is not going to work.

A better goal is based on your actions and behaviours. State your goal as if it is already achieved, use verbs and positives. The five long serving men, who, what, when where and why.

So for example:

I am gently compassionate to my WH, every time he appears confused over the phone and I sincerely validate his concerns because then he will know I have heard his issue. I count the number of positive interactions at 5 per week, thus our contact is more pleasant.

I write in my journal three new goals and review them weekly adding and adapting as needed. I have a positive action plan and weekly mark off actions completed. Knowing my goal is accomplished makes me confident and assured.

I serenely watch the fish swim happily in their clean fish tank. I have calmly found the neccessay resource to ensure this is achieved every month, the Fish Tank may need a new home and I have calmly accepted that if WH is unable to help this may be needed.

A couple of my own:

I sit confidently at my desk answering a call from a client on their recent bill, the information is immediately to hand. I pay cheques into my account for work done in the last month. The time sheets are posted this month and the banking complete. Not my staff have sorted the client info.

My D papers with regard to the Fins are complete and accurate, my L has very little work admin to do on my D, she only needs to do high fly L work, which keeps my bill manageable. Not my L files accurate paperwork.

My D is final and complete because of the accurate work I have done and I need never see or hear from WH again and I take action if he breaks NC. Not WH stays away from me!


Hope this helps, I am not perfect but I do achieve my goals, not always in the time frame as I am often very optimistic about what I can achieve. I am comfortable just to adjust my timetable.

V

[ep0215]

Thank you to Avanti, Sunny and V. This gave me a lot to think about this weekend and I still haven't quite wrapped my head around it. I think I need some quiet time tonight to read over everything again. It has been months since I read DR so I am going to pick it up again and read the pages you suggested. I do journal like crazy but have started to make the entries more structured and not just inner ramblings.

You started talking about goals and didn't mention your mental picture of what you want. Goals do not have as much meaning unless there is a strong motivation behind them.

As a start for your picture, take what you said about your H and his bike riding. Picture all of you taking a ride together, stopping somewhere nice for a picnic or just an ice cream, what's the weather like? What sounds are around you? Can you smell anything in particular? The more detail the better, then add other things you want, in your home, in your kitchen, in your bedroom and not just the furniture. ;-)

Avanti – I know you mean well and I appreciate the push, I need it. I am not sure about this. I am scared to picture this, Avanti. I have grieved the loss of this picture for the last 6 months, to picture it again and lose it scares me. I fear going through that much grief again. Maybe I am getting to the point where he isn’t in this picture at all and I am happy without him. You have given me the shove I need to move forward on this journey. I have felt for the last few weeks that I was in a rut, per se. I can see that these are the steps forward. Now I just need to do some writing, thinking, mind mapping and organizing of my thoughts.

[Azzork]

You started talking about goals and didn't mention your mental picture of what you want. Goals do not have as much meaning unless there is a strong motivation behind them.

As a start for your picture, take what you said about your H and his bike riding. Picture all of you taking a ride together, stopping somewhere nice for a picnic or just an ice cream, what's the weather like? What sounds are around you? Can you smell anything in particular? The more detail the better, then add other things you want, in your home, in your kitchen, in your bedroom and not just the furniture. ;-)

Avanti – I know you mean well and I appreciate the push, I need it. I am not sure about this. I am scared to picture this, Avanti. I have grieved the loss of this picture for the last 6 months, to picture it again and lose it scares me. I fear going through that much grief again. Maybe I am getting to the point where he isn’t in this picture at all and I am happy without him. You have given me the shove I need to move forward on this journey. I have felt for the last few weeks that I was in a rut, per se. I can see that these are the steps forward. Now I just need to do some writing, thinking, mind mapping and organizing of my thoughts.

I think this is the key. I dont want to speak for him, but I believe Avanti's "picture" is just an example. You dont need to give THAT picture. But you need to figure out want you want. As MWD says, you need to have the golf hole 30 feet away. Otherwise, your "mini-goals" could be taking you off course. So think about what you WANT. Then think about the steps you need to get there.

[Avanti]

You are right Azzork, it was simply an example. The picture should be made up of what you want to happen in your ideal world ep0215, not what you think is coming.

Frankly, what you think is coming is just a bunch of thoughts and thoughts aren't real, so change them into ones that are how your world should be and potentially will become if you put in the work plus, you'll feel so much better by having positive stuff in your head.

ep0215, it may be that V's written notes forming plans that produce goals is better for you as you've mentioned you're journalling. My suggested route is for those who think visually, others work off what they hear and some move forward through physical movement. There is no "right" way, the important thing is to write down some goals and a plan, or a plan then goals, whichever way works for you and then live them. If it gets uncomfortable or it feels wrong then rework the plans and goals based on your experience of trying to implement them.

In other words, get something on paper, that's "good enough", then adapt and amend as you go from day to day. The worse mistake people make is to over think their plans and goals in an attempt to be perfect and get stuck, so give up.

The reality is that those who have written goals and plans in any or all areas of their life are more successful by a significant order of magnitude than those who don't.

[ep0215]

okay, having an ah-ha moment. I love these discussions, please don't think I am not hearing you because this truly is helping me better understand. I can see now how I was doing it unproductively. I don't think visual is best for me but more of writing it out on paper.

Looking back through old entries I am achieving my goals in how I interact with my son. I haven't lost my temper with him and I have continued to speak in a softer way to him and it has made a huge improvement in his behavior with me. I am definitely going to keep that up.

Goal: Speak in a soft voice to my son when upset or frustrated. I will not lose my temper.
Plan: Take deep breaths before reacting. Walk away if feeling angry. I will validate his feelings.

Is something like that on the right track?

[Azzork]

Goal: Speak in a soft voice to my son when upset or frustrated. I will not lose my temper.
Plan: Take deep breaths before reacting. Walk away if feeling angry. I will validate his feelings.

Is something like that on the right track?

Yes! Yes! Yes!

But can you zoom out a little farther in your "Goal". For example, I could see something like:

I want to be a better mother to S4
- I will not lose my temper
- I will validate
- I will speak softly
and so on and so on

I think this gives you some freedom to focus on a few categories and hone in on how you want to be.

Keep on going ep!

[ep0215]

light bulb!

I think I got it. Now I am excited to journal these in the other areas tonight. The goals seemed like such a scary port of DB'ing but now that I understand it,that is much better.

[Azzork]

The goals seemed like such a scary port of DB'ing.

It is scary, because the first thing you have to do is look in the mirror and find the areas that you want to improve. And that means admitting to yourself that you arent perfect. And that you want to make changes.

But once you can set out targets and follow them, you can react much more logically and thoughtfully and remove a lot of the emotion.

[Avanti]

Everything that you and Azzork have said is brilliant, keep it up ep, it's so exciting to watch it all happen. It's all within you to have the life you really want, it's deciding to make it happen that's the biggest step and you are making it.