A new day.

[beckyb]

A lot of the time doing nothing feels very wrong. It feels like I'm not fighting for my marriage, even though I know doing nothing is the best thing a can do right now.

Some days I just want to push the D forward and get it over with.

Doing nothing and being patient are not my strong suits. That is why going dark and letting things play out is a big 180 for me.

[tl2]

You're not doing nothing. You are doing everything you can do.

Trying to work on the M right now with an absent spouse would be like trying to run a two-legged race with your ankle tied to someone unconscious!

You're working on you. That's the absolute best thing you can do right now, so...continue!

[beckyb]

I love that analogy! I plan to come out of this wiser, stronger and skinnier, one way or the other.

[Ancaire]

You will do it, Becky. You have such strength. I believe in you.

[Jpeg]

Becky - I can relate. I get so busy with work, kids, house, and H is moving on, in with OW. I want to work and save our M! It is sooooo worth fighting for! Our family is soooo worth fighting for! But H doesn't "want" it anymore.

[Dawgs]

Becky, he is in the military, right? I posted something about that in your other thread. Not saying to be vindictive, but know your rights as a mil spouse. His command wouldn't think highly...

[beckyb]

Evil_E, he is not in the military.

[beckyb]

Thanks Ancaire. You are such an encourager.

[Avanti]

Guys, there's pursuing out of neediness, it done so that you feel better and there's pursuing because you are trying to connect with them in the way you would have when you were first getting together.

Early days contact is often (nearly always) pursuit out of neediness, "please stay with me!". When you reach a point that beckyb seems to have done the word pursuit takes on a different meaning, she has a genuine desire to reconnect and not because she needs to, because she believes she wants to. It's easy to get the two mixed and/or see them as the same thing because it's the same word, they aren't.

Beckyb, you made a strong statement about your feelings for saving your marriage at the start of his thread and I felt your commitment and applaud you for being so open.

If this is what you truly want, then be prepared to have some painful moments and times when you'll wonder what possessed you, plus also some highs you perhaps weren't expecting. The key to it all is as per the DR book, to have a clearly defined goal(s) and then a detailed plan for how you are going to achieve it/them. By doing so, you will empower yourself at all times to consult your plan and not your feelings to ensure you stay on track and don't end up distracted, derailed, or going off at a tangent.

Do you think your DB coach would love to help you verify and test your plan? If so, put it together and then let him/her give it the once over in your next call.

To get that plan together start with the end in mind. Create a mental picture in your mind of what you want to achieve, colours, sounds, tastes, smells, touches, whatever is important to you, the more detailed the better. Translate this image into a few concise, clear, well defined goals and then your plan to achieve the goals should become clear.

To kick off you plan, I'd recommend using some well spaced (time wise), one-way communication as your starter toward building the connection. But you know your position better than anyone, go with what you heart tells you and with what your view of your future needs.

Your DB coach can then be your critic and advisor so you'll know it's as sound as it can be before you commence. We can always helping with any stumbling blocks, if you come across any.

Be strong beckyb, know in your heart what you are going to do is right and it'll propel you forward.

[gonegrl]

Evil E, I am a military spouse. I'm going to look up my rights. I know I would get 50% of his retirement. That's all I know.