LBH w/ a WW trying to save my M

[gs9]

On another note the MiL doesn't know WW filed for D.

In a quiet moment when it was just MiL and I she said "I believe this year will get better. I don't believe WW has given up on your M." I said "She told me she told you everything that is going on but it doesn't sound like she has. If you think she hasn't given up then she's not telling you everything. I'm not going to say anymore bc she'll get mad at me but it definitely doesn't sound like she is telling you everything."

[gs9]

It is bait and I don't feel like I gave her any reassurance. I feel it's definitely making an impact. Do you think the examples I gave are crumbs of her moving in the right direction?

Sandi,
Once again, thank you so much for your incredible insight. I'll not get too excited about what I thought were crumbs of hope. I'll continue to be careful

Another example is when she brought up your A and threw it in your face. She was themp checking. She wanted you to assure her your feelings for her have not changed.

I'm happy I've continued to not reassure her.

What did you think about her admitting to her A and then quickly adding she was but isn't now?

I thought "that's the first time she's admitted it was an A. Maybe she's making progress. " She says that she has not had an A or cheated because our marriage ended last year when I was unfaithful.
I also believe she is still involved in an EA currently. I know she has spent the night with this OM about a month ago so it was a PA but I don't know that they have seen each other since. It really doesn't matter though. Whether it was a PA and now it's just an EA, it's still an A! I do not have any proof it's still going on but I don't have any that it stopped either.

I am not saying you need to cause her to think you are in an A or dating, etc. I am saying that it would be a plus if she realized she is setting you free. You will be single and can date. The WW who is not concerned about a woman replacing her in H's life, is a W too far gone.

This is good news. She is definitely concerned that I'm sleeping with or seeing someone else. That's why she's trying to check my phone, rummaging through my car and accusing me of sleeping with someone. Maybe it'll be enough to scare her straight.

My advice would be not to send a message to her, in an after attempt to validate. It comes across as pursuing.

I did not msg her.

I believe there is a time for validation, and a time for that person to be left with their own thoughts and feelings. You were willing to make amends, and she is angry and don't want to clean up her mess. She just wants to look at your mess!

She has never been one to clean up her mess. She does not and has not been a person who accepts personal responsibility for her mess or the things she does wrong. It's been very difficult being M to someone who rarely apologizes and never accepts personal responsibility.

If your W had a revenge affair, that's really bad. I think it would take some serious guidance for both of you to get the MR back on track again. For both of you to have cheated, causes double trouble, double pain, double trust issues, etc. At the moment, you seem willing to forgive her and heal the relationship. For her, she is so full of anger, jealousy, mistrust, resentment, and hurt.......it would be very difficult for her to lay it to rest, at the moment. May be a long time before she is can.

I don't know if it was a revenge A. Could be. There was 9 months between events.

Besides, how long has it been since her own A?

15 months ago. And would mine be considered an A? a single drunken night, everything above the belt, with an unknown woman.

Has she gone through withdrawals?

I'm not sure. What are the symptoms?

get individual therapy and then couples therapy, before you can even think about piecing.

I know there will have to be years of therapy and wouldn't even consider R with out it.

It is possible. Very possible, in fact. I just don't see it falling into place easily or quickly. It is going to take a long road of very hard work for both of you. I think it will be harder for her than you, to work through all of this stuff. I think it may take time apart. That is not always a bad thing. Just saying, if you S, it doesn't mean it's the end.

Nothing good ever comes easy

[gs9]

So what does everyone think? Should I have kicked her out of bed?
I'm definitely not going to bring it up or reach out to her. I'll be away from home until Sunday night

[sandi2]

You said nothing was said. Anything else happen. A little kissing, hugging?

What would Jesus do? Well, what did He tell the adulterous woman at the well?

I understand what the elderly lady at church meant, but this is a WW! Jesus was never manipulated by anyone. If you can do what He did and not be manipulated, great. A WW will try everything to temp check you, including sex! Now, you can ask yourself WWJD all day long, and I guarantee you will find an answer to fit how you want to fit.
B/c you are too emotional, needy, and human.

No, I am not saying you should have kicked her out! If you did nothing, then I think you handled it right. I think she'll do it again, so don't be caught off guard. If she starts kissing, you may need to ask her what she calls herself doing (or something similar). You will want to have sex, of course, but I think it would be a mistake. Don't be mean or "kick her out" by trying to see how rude or cold you can be to her. You don't have to be hateful. But I think she should see that you are not easily manipulated by her emotional swings. What would she think, say, or do if you went to her bed and spooned with her......? Somehow, women seem to think it is unacceptable for the man.....but it's okay if she decides to do the same thing. That's b/c she calls the shots when it comes to sex, and she will use sex, if needed.

You see, nothing would suit a WW better than to be able to give the H a little spooning in bed, and that would be all he required to get back into the MR. It is going to take a heck of a lot more than a little affection to fix this problem. She needs to know that you aren't that easy. Sure, she'll be mad, if you tell her. You can decide if you want one night of sex and rejection afterwards, or stay strong and her do the work to get the healing?

[gs9]

You said nothing was said. Anything else happen. A little kissing, hugging?

Nothing more. No Kissing. She was the little spoon so her head was on my arm and my other arm around her.

No, I am not saying you should have kicked her out! If you did nothing, then I think you handled it right. I think she'll do it again, so don't be caught off guard. If she starts kissing, you may need to ask her what she calls herself doing (or something similar). You will want to have sex, of course, but I think it would be a mistake. Don't be mean or "kick her out" by trying to see how rude or cold you can be to her. You don't have to be hateful. But I think she should see that you are not easily manipulated by her emotional swings.

I'm glad I didn't kick her out, be mean or rude. It has also given me the opportunity to act nonchalant about it. I haven't reached out to her, will not reach out and I will not bring it up. .

What would she think, say, or do if you went to her bed and spooned with her......? Somehow, women seem to think it is unacceptable for the man.....

she'd be ticked off and it would ruin all the progress I'm making

but it's okay if she decides to do the same thing. That's b/c she calls the shots when it comes to sex, and she will use sex, if needed.

I will not be abused or manipulated by her anymore

You see, nothing would suit a WW better than to be able to give the H a little spooning in bed, and that would be all he required to get back into the MR. It is going to take a heck of a lot more than a little affection to fix this problem. She needs to know that you aren't that easy. Sure, she'll be mad, if you tell her. You can decide if you want one night of sex and rejection afterwards, or stay strong and her do the work to get the healing?

I've long ago decided sex was out of the question. I do not want a one night stand with my wife and she's going to get tested before we're intimate again

I want and need her to do the work to get the healing. I am here and ready to play ball but I'm more playing poker. She will not see my cards until all the chips are on the table and know for certain she is all in. And we're actively involved in professional help

Thanks again Sandi





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[gs9]

Today
I've been gone since Friday morning until this afternoon. It felt great to get away for a couple days.
WW asked when I would be back. I told her I should be home by noon. She asked if I would be sure to be back by 1:30 because she had plans to go watch football.
I met her at our S14's baseball game at 1:20 hoping to catch some baseball but his game was ending. As I approached I went right to D4 and gave her a big hug. WW and I said almost nothing to each other. Only that the baseball game was ending. She was gathering her stuff and asked me to fold up her chair. I hesitated and she said "never mind I've got it." I think she's caught the hint that I'm not going to do things for her anymore. It does feel weird to watch her struggle but I know it's for her own good. I pray she comes around before the D finalizes.

[gs9]

Question- Should I finish DB book before hiring a coach? I'm about half way through the book

[MrBond]

Always finish reading the book first.

[gs9]

Will do

Thoughts
WW stepped in my office this morning. I cheerfully said "Good Morning." She did not make eye contact and She said she had made D4's lunch but asked if I would put together snacks. I told her I had already intended to do so. She left.

I'm probably grasping at straws and we've had very little contact over the last 2 days but in both instances I made sure to be cheerful, she didn't make eye contact and seems down. Hopefully, she's second guessing her WW ways and the D.

Only time will tell

[Michele Weiner-Davis]

The books are great and helpful to many people. However, it is not necessary to read any books prior to speaking with a DB Coach.

It's always best to speak with a DB Coach as soon as you possibly can. You want to stop any negative momentum and get things headed in a more positive direction as quickly as possible.