Can ALL marriages be saved Vol. 2

[Gmum]

Old thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2610708#Post2610708

I hope that works.

Very interested in hearing other peoples experiences with divorce busting with a spouse, who has moved out, is in love with the OW and travels for months at a time.

Big thanks to all who have responded in my previous thread. It means the world to me. I hope one day I'll be able to offer advice and support to other members.

[Rouky]

Hi, Gmum I think you have a great opportunity to become a new you while your H is away. It's really hard not to think about what he does, what shall I do to have him coming back. My DB isn't very good and I think my H is gone for ever, but I'm also thinking if I had just met him, would I want to start a relationship with someone who betrayed the person they supposed to love? My answer is no.

Maybe you could ask yourself that question to help you to detach and as it was mentioned in previous posts. Focus on you, embrace the time he is away to become a better you.

I hope this helped you a bit. Take care of yourself and your little princess

[Gmum]

Thanks Rouky.
That makes sense. I'm trying hard to detach. Holefully it will be easier once he's gone, cause now when I see him, I just want to embrace and kiss him. It's like starting over every single time. Obviously knowing he's in love with the OW doesn't help.
Mahhty said something in my old thread that helps though: that he or they don't make me sad and unhappy. Only I can do that based on how I interpret my surroundings. I think that's gonna be my new mantra.

[Rouky]

I relate to you 100% as when I see my H I want to touch him, but then his betrayal comes to my mind and it hurts.

It might take a while to realise that only that the only person that can make YOU happy is YOU, but I can assure you that it'll happen. When I don't know but keep faith that something better is at the end if this dark tunnel.

[Avanti]

Hello Gmum, I am new to your sitch and just beginning to catch up with where you are.

I can be a little direct at times, so it's best to warn you in advance with the hope that what you read doesn't upset you. It is far from my desire to unsettle you, more like everyone here I try to help in the best way possible, sometimes a few eggs need to be broken for the omelette to be possible.

You have mentioned that you've read the DR book, what elements do you believe you have instigated so far?

You may well say that you think your sitch is different because your H is away on long business trips, isn't that the same as for those of us who's S's have moved many miles away and we haven't seen them for many months (5 in my case)?

Your sitch does have unique elements otherwise it wouldn't be yours, what it also has is similarities, so maybe it is best to think of how other people's sitch's compare to yours and draw from those who you see as having parallels.

You do also seem to spend a lot of time thinking about your H and during those times it is natural to take a thought and allow it to run around and around in your mind. Each time it does so it gets a little darker,as you embellish it with another nuance, until it blocks out nearly all the light and you feel really hopeless.

If you become aware of this happening, recognise it and gently lead yourself toward thinking of other things.. Some use prayer, others spiritual or non-spiritual meditation or simple thought replacement techniques. Find something that works for you and start to use it consistently. It will take practice and in a relatively short while your mood will start to lift. If your not sure ask and you'll get guidance.

With a clearer mind you can then start to take on board everything that DB'ing has to offer, the book will make more sense and all of us here can really start to help you on your quest.

As a starter, may I suggest that if you think your sitch is hopeless, then you are absolutely right, however if you change that to something a lot more positive you will also be absolutely right.

A thought is just a thought nothing else, it is not a reality until you make it that. You are undoubtedly aware of the concept of self fulfilling prophecies and their power is great, make yours a positive one, it might seem fake at first but the more you think it the more real it will become.

As others have said and you are doing, keep posting, try to make them have some solution oriented thinking (the backbone to DB'ing) content as well as what you are feeling and in that way you will help yourself too and you are your greatest asset. A good old rant or whinge is fine too, we all need those every once in a while. :-)

[Mona52]

Hi Gmum,
It still seems as though your are too caught up in what he might do, or what he is thinking, and you spend time thinking about what might happen, or what you believe never can happen. I get it, it is so easy to get completely lost in these thoughts. But you have to find a way to rise way high above these thoughts.

The only way I was able to do that was to become obsessed about something I was positive would be completely impossible. At the time I started DB'ing, my impossible obsession was to go and get my degree, even though I was a single mom of 3 small children.

You dont have to do that, or anything close to that. It would just be helpful to you if you could throw caution to the wind and try really hard to do something big. Because big things require so much of our concentration. Also, when we try for big things, we get admiration from others. Since this is something we are starving for in our M, it helps keep us a float when where feel like drowning in thoughts.

I know you do not believe it, but as you push on, and turn the focus on you, he will be a person that you may go a few days without thinking about once. It does not mean you are giving up, or you love him any less. It just means you love him so much that you are willing to fight that hard.

I cant promise easy days ahead, but it is all worth it.

[Gmum]

Ahhh, finally a free moment to respond.

Avanti, thank you so much for taking the time to read my thread and advise me. It's much appreciated. And I like your blunt approach.

You asked what I'm using from the DR book, here's what I'm doing: I stopped the moping, begging etc and am now upbeat and happy when he's around. Things that would have made me nag before, I ignore. I'm exercising, I'm reading books about how to change certain habits and become the best version of myself that I can be. I'm keeping track of my budget and am being more conservative when it comes to spending money. I'm GAL'ing.

I guess I felt like my situation was different, well because like you said he travels for many months at a time. I also told him to leave before I started reading DR and it seems many people still live together. The main thing though, is that we haven't ever really been happy in our marriage, so he's not suddenly gonna remember "the good ol' times". We we're extremely happy up until we left our country (him first).

We're very compatible, which makes it even more difficult to accept, but I worry that too much time has passed etc.
In the book Michelle mentions people being blindsided because they thought they were in a happy marriage - I was blindsided despite knowing things weren't really working.
The woman he is in love with isn't just some floozy either. She sounds like a good woman and they seem to have a lot in common. What works against them is that she lives in a different state and has a couple of kids, so she can't really take off and leave. That means they can't see each other very often, which will probably just keep the relationship fun and fresh - less likely to tire of each other.

I find myself sometimes being grateful for this happening. I'm happy that I'm given an opportunity to become a better person, I don't want to be this little scared troll always hiding behind my H. I'm finally going to be more independent.

I know my thoughts can affect my reality, so I try to reign it in and be positive. That will take a lot of work. I need to start meditating. If anyone has some good ideas on getting started, please let me know. I have plenty of books, audio books on the subject. It's more actually DOING it I'm struggling with, haha.

[Gmum]

Hi Mona52

Thank you for your response. Once again you bring up some great points.
I have a couple of tests (nothing school related) that I want to take. It's not something the old me would have done.
I think my other obsession will be meditating and trying to make that a daily part of my life. Healthy body healthy spirit.

He still has most of his stuff in this apartment. Would it be counter productive to ask him to remove all personal belongings before he leaves? I really want it gone, so the apartment will feel like mine, but I know it will irritate him and am I not supposed to avoid that? I sometimes get a little confused on how to DB according to my situation. I'm friendly and upbeat, but not super talkative with him.
ARGGHHH!!! What to do?!?

[Gmum]

Hi Rouky

So true. In fact, when my husband blindsided me and said we hadn't been good for each other, didn't bring out the best in each other, I tried to remind him that a lot of the stuff he was talking about has to come from within. We can't rely on other people to makes us better.

I feel like since I'm the LBS and I'm GAL'ing and in therapy etc and he just moved into another R, there will come a time where I will come out healed and a better person and he will not have dealt with anything and still be miserable.

[Avanti]

Ahhh, finally a free moment to respond.

Avanti, thank you so much for taking the time to read my thread and advise me. It's much appreciated. And I like your blunt approach.

You asked what I'm using from the DR book, here's what I'm doing: I stopped the moping, begging etc and am now upbeat and happy when he's around. Things that would have made me nag before, I ignore. I'm exercising, I'm reading books about how to change certain habits and become the best version of myself that I can be. I'm keeping track of my budget and am being more conservative when it comes to spending money. I'm GAL'ing.

Great, keep it up, it's already starting to show.

...The main thing though, is that we haven't ever really been happy in our marriage, so he's not suddenly gonna remember "the good ol' times". We we're extremely happy up until we left our country (him first).

Are you sure? It can't have been that unhappy, are you certain you aren't simply thinking about the bad stuff because of your state of mind?

...We're very compatible, which makes it even more difficult to accept

So why do you say you've been so unhappy? This is something people strive for.

The woman he is in love with isn't just some floozy either. She sounds like a good woman and they seem to have a lot in common.

So what you are your husband are "so compatible" there's no comparison. She has her flaws too, she can't keep her marriage together...

What works against them is that she lives in a different state and has a couple of kids, so she can't really take off and leave. That means they can't see each other very often, which will probably just keep the relationship fun and fresh - less likely to tire of each other.

Or more time for them to doubt that what they are doing is the right thing

I find myself sometimes being grateful for this happening. I'm happy that I'm given an opportunity to become a better person, I don't want to be this little scared troll always hiding behind my H. I'm finally going to be more independent.

I know my thoughts can affect my reality, so I try to reign it in and be positive.

Great stuff, keep it up!

...I need to start meditating. If anyone has some good ideas on getting started, please let me know. I have plenty of books, audio books on the subject. It's more actually DOING it I'm struggling with, haha.

There is no magic to meditating it's all about doing it. Set aside the same time each day to do and make it become a habit. It's that simple yet hard, it simply takes some application.