...He still has most of his stuff in this apartment. Would it be counter productive to ask him to remove all personal belongings before he leaves? I really want it gone, so the apartment will feel like mine, but I know it will irritate him and am I not supposed to avoid that?
There's no right or wrong here, do what you feel is the right thing for you. Some go as far as changing the locks because they want to feel safe and secure.
If he gets upset, so what, he's having an A!
Originally Posted By: Gmum
...sometimes get a little confused on how to DB according to my situation. I'm friendly and upbeat, but not super talkative with him. ARGGHHH!!! What to do?!?
Do exactly what you are doing, unless he is the one who always initiates the conversation, in which case consider doing a 180 and kicking off more conversations, but nothing to do with your R or M.
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
Still a little confused about how to DB from a distance. Anybody have any advice or experience with this?
I don't think you should be. You have received the advice over and over. Detach and GAL. It truly is that simple.
You've received some great advice. I wanted to point to these ones, which spoke to me...
Originally Posted By: Mona
All you need to do now is take that focus WAY off him and what he thinks and what he feels. You need to get some nice and healthy obsessions about things just for YOU. I promise you, nothing in this life is impossible. Right now you have the gift of time to NOT worry about him and aim for things in life you want. aim BIG, even if you fall short you still will be much higher.
Henry Ford said this... If you think you can or you thank you can't, you are right. This is very similar to Mona's comment. Carry some powerful images of what your future is like, and how it feels. Don't worry about the steps to take you there. Just feel gratitude when thinking of your future images.
Originally Posted By: Rouky
Maybe you could ask yourself that question to help you to detach and as it was mentioned in previous posts. Focus on you, embrace the time he is away to become a better you.
In other words. Detach and GAL. Focus on you.
There was plenty of other good quotes in what Avanti and Mona wrote.
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
I know, I know, I know.... I guess I just like/need the constant reinforcing that I'm doing the right thing. And whenever I'm around him I start to doubt myself "should I be more talkative, should I ask about stuff etc etc.
Trust me, I'm clinging on to every word that came from Avanti, Mona and Rouky. Very good advice indeed. And yours too, Mahhty.
I so appreciate everyone who takes the time to read and respond to my desperate rants. Thank you.
He came over this afternoon to watch our daughter while I went to therapy. They we're gonna make pizza and I texted him earlier to make some for me too. He was in a hurry to get out and run when I came back, but he made pizza for me. He also talked to our D about going to the movies again and bringing me this time. She really misses spending time with the both of us. She didn't want me to leave when he came. I'm happy to do it, I really just wanted it to come from him.
I told my therapist about still having hope for our M and she said something about thinking about the criteria for getting back together. And it made me realize I don't want him back the way he is now -he needs therapy and to work out a few things as well. It kinda made me feel better. Regardless, I think us LBS' are doing all the soul searching, the growing and becoming better versions of ourselves etc. Meanwhile, at least my H, is the same "ol mess", who has thrown himself into a new R or A.
Your H may still "flee" when he sees you, don't take it personal. He made you pizza and could have chosen not to, say thank you for doing it and that you enjoyed it when you next see him. Have you been quick to praise in the past? If not, maybe now is the time to 180 and start doing so. Nothing over the top and don't shower him in gratitude, a simple thank you if you feel he may have gone out of his way to do something for you.
Do you know which of the 5 love languages (book by Garry Chapman) your husband is most receptive to? The fact that he made the pizza suggests acts of appreciation but that might be a one off "guilt" thing and you know him best. It's worth working out as you'll then know how to best communicate with him.
If you do all end up going to see a movie together, be fun and enjoy yourself, let him engage with you if he chooses and respond, don't get ticked if he doesn't.
Your therapist sounds like they are making sense, look down the road not at where you are now. Consider picturing what you want out of life and the R and use that image to define your goals, then write them down.
The goals word scares some people, what if I don't achieve them, what if it all goes wrong is probably going through their mind. The reality is if they aren't written down there is no chance of them happening. They aren't a weight to hold you down, they are tools to help you soar.
What is your next GAL activity?
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
I asked him to make the pizza, but it's certainly not unusual for him either. Maybe he was fleeing a bit. We're friendly, but it's still a bit awkward. In the beginning he was never quite sure what mood I would be in, so that feeling of uncertainty probably still lingers. I think mainly it's guilt. As my therapist pointed out, he is still lying to me about the OW, but I think it's because he knows how much it will hurt me.
I think my next GAL will be to start meditating. I'm waiting for some more money and then I will buy an app from my "guru" Tomorrow I am having dinner and drinks with an old acquaintance. H will come watch the monkey, but I'm hoping to be able to put her down first, because he can't, so it totally messes everything up when he tries.
Also, I got my first CC today, so now I can start to slowly build credit in my own name. Very happy about that.
I asked him to make the pizza, but it's certainly not unusual for him either. Maybe he was fleeing a bit. We're friendly, but it's still a bit awkward. In the beginning he was never quite sure what mood I would be in, so that feeling of uncertainty probably still lingers. I think mainly it's guilt. As my therapist pointed out, he is still lying to me about the OW, but I think it's because he knows how much it will hurt me.
So you being consistently calm is the way forward to stop his pre-emotive flight response.
Originally Posted By: Gmum
I think my next GAL will be to start meditating. I'm waiting for some more money and then I will buy an app from my "guru"
Meditation can be started for free, there are many resources on the Internet and you said you had some books already. Are you sure the waiting to buy an app isn't procrastination?
Originally Posted By: Gmum
Tomorrow I am having dinner and drinks with an old acquaintance. H will come watch the monkey, but I'm hoping to be able to put her down first, because he can't, so it totally messes everything up when he tries.
Glad you are going out with others, no (or minimal) talking about your sitch, you are out to enjoy yourself and get away from things. Promise?
Originally Posted By: Gmum
Also, I got my first CC today, so now I can start to slowly build credit in my own name. Very happy about that.
This is great, a step towards independence and something your H, when he eventually finds out, (don't tell him let him discover it for himself) will see as you becoming more independent, the new you that's coming through and it'll make him think.
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
Geez, he just emailed me back about something and asked if we could talk about him still getting our 3 yo an iPod Touch, so she can FaceTime him whenever. I don't understand the difference between her using my iPad or getting an iPod Touch - it's not like I would let her have unlimited access to either anyway. I mean, I'll of course let her FaceTime him whenever she asks, but she can't play games and watch cartoons whenever she wants. In fact, I can easily go weeks in between letting her use it. I find that she becomes...ehhh less cooperative after a few videos. I'm not sure how to explain this to him without coming across and vindictive and petty.
