I am really confused right now. I love my wife and don't want a divorce. I thought things were going fine. She even rode in the car with me to go pick up one my two daughters from a previous marriage (the other had to stay this weekend for a school function). My ex is in the process of trying to increase my child support payments, which has my wife very upset. When we arrived, my ex's husband came out to talk to me about child support. My wife yelled at me from the car. When I got in the car, she began to yell at me and continued almost all the way home. She was enraged partly because I didn't come to get her so that she could participate in the conversation and tell him to mind his own business. On the way home, she asked for a divorce. When we got home, she walked out, but after a while, she came back. I tried to ask her why she wants a divorce. She doesn't want to talk to me about it. Now she is in our room with our three year old boy. I told her, "I don't want to bother you. You can sleep in there with him if you want, and I'll leave you alone." She seems very intent on getting a divorce now and to be honest, I don't really understand why. It seems like she is letting my ex and her husband interfere with our relationship. What should I do?
My wife is asking for a divorce and I don't completely understand why.
Hi Ken, I'm in the same boat. I'm not only sorry you have to be here I'm also sorry I'm here! My wife has had several EA's with men from church and at least one PA with a man from church. It's always someone from church. She just left me last weekend, and just came back today long enough to tell me she's divorcing me.
So, first, I feel your pain. Believe me.
I see several positives in what you wrote:
- she's still at home - it sounds like she said the D word but maybe hasn't contacted a lawyer or actually started anything yet...which if that's true means you have some time - while many people do leave their spouses for affair partners, she's involved with someone who's married and a church goer which means there's at least a chance that the complications will slow things down, buy you some time. Time is awesome for DB-ing. - based on your sig she sounds conflicted with what she believes
As an outsider it looks to me like you have some things going for you and if you can do the DB basics like not pursuing her, not talking about R, and doing the 180 and GAL stuff, you at least have a little time to work on your own mental/emotional state and give her the space she needs to work things out and decide if she really does want this D or not.
I need to clarify. My wife is not having an affair, neither emotional nor physical, as far as I know. The signature that I had was about my ex from several years ago when I was trying to save that marriage. I have now been remarried for four years and my new wife has been very faithful. Her problem seems to be that she cannot tolerate the problems created by my ex, such as the issue of increasing child support. I have tried to change my signature to simply say, "My wife is asking for a divorce and I don't completely understand why."
My wife is asking for a divorce and I don't completely understand why.
Gotcha. Well that's another good positive then, eh?
Sounds to me like it might be worthwhile speaking to a professional about the best way you can handle the ex-wife stuff...to either get help with that, or to confirm you're already doing all you can do?
I'm paying the child support. I don't really communicate with my ex much anymore. I believe I'm doing all that I can do. I think I need to try to detach my wife from any of my ex issues as far as possible, because it has her stressed. Me getting court modification papers in the mail, etc. I wish I had not taken her with me to go pick up my daughter. I just hope I can be back on track with my wife. She is not open to any type of marriage counseling. If I get through this, I need to learn how to maintain the relationship better.
My wife is asking for a divorce and I don't completely understand why.
I hear ya. I feel for ya because you're caught between your obligation to your children (via your Ex) and your new wife. Obviously your child support is a legal and moral obligation on your part that you are living up to as you should (which is admirable, so congrats on being a good dad!). Obviously that is something your current wife can't change. It must also be a difficult position for her to be in. I wonder if she sees you being hassled with attempted manipulation by your ex and is angry because she can't do anything about it? Just speculation on my part.
Just remember what they say here: Don't believe anything you hear and half of what you see. That's good advice because there could be other issues at play with her. If she's unwilling to do MC right now that doesn't mean you can't. I was amazed at how much better things went for me after the first couple of sessions. And I am typically a "I can handle this" kind of guy. But I realized that just like I don't have the skills and experience to run new electrical wiring in a new house, I didn't have the skills I needed to deal with a failed/failing marriage.
What I did the first go around, and what I'll probably start doing again, is going to a action-oriented, pro-marriage counselor I use by myself. I really like counseling/coaching for a couple of reasons:
1. a good one has a wise perspective based on years of real-world, professional experience.
2. what I usually do with counseling is go in and describe the most significant issues that have arisen (perhaps with/from her, or the kids), and describe how I handled it or how I intend to handle it, and then he will usually agree with me, tell me there might be some additional or different responses I could consider, etc. Then we'll talk about that. It's good to have that reaction from someone who doesn't have a dog in the fight, so to speak.
3. Ethical professional counselors are objective and keep everything confidential. That way I'm not tempted to get into the dirt with friends and family who may not keep it private, and I'm also not keeping it all bottled up (which leads to depression and festering anger).
I actually don't think my wife knows much about how to get a divorce nor can she afford one, although she might get help from a coworker on the procedure. But she does, of course, know how to walk out.
Is there anything I should be saying to her? Right now, I'm just not saying anything to her.
My wife is asking for a divorce and I don't completely understand why.
As I understand DB, it's not about saying it's about doing. Since the goal is to draw our spouses back through our actions by showing them a person they want to be fully engaged with, doing a 180, getting a life, and maintaining a positive attitude/behaviors while also keeping detached emotionally is key. We're not supposed to initiate conversations about the R, but (I think) it's OK to respond to what she initiates...but you have to be careful because often the WAS will try to provoke you into negative behaviors (begging, pleading, arguing) in order to further justify their decision. Keeping it to friendly and pleasant but not enthusiastic or needy/aggressive for now is what seems to be called for I think.
Well she went to church with me and the kids, but she wouldn't let me hold her hand or touch her. The weird thing is, I haven't really done anything to her as far as I know, so I don't know exactly why she is behaving this way. It all started yesterday, as I mentioned above. What can I do?
My wife is asking for a divorce and I don't completely understand why.
