She's moving out tomorrow. We've spent the evening together talking through the practical issues. Couldn't stop telling her how if it all goes wrong to consider me (wrong, I know).She admits to still loving me but not in that way. I managed to open up to a couple of friends yesterday and got lots of support and love which gives me hope. Son has gone very quiet and reluctant to talk to me or his mother.Have read DR but don't know if it will work at distance. So heartbroken and sad at the moment. I feel like I'm losing my best friend as well a wife. She wants to still see me but to try to give ourselves to adjust to our new lives. Our son's birthday is in a few days so we'll meet then if not before. I can't face even trying to GAL yet, hard enough thinking about the weekend and then going back to work. Don't know how to face the house with just the two of us there. She won't be able to take everything tomorrow so her ghost will be everywhere.
Well it has almost been a month since she moved out. The second weekend we got together with our son to celebrate his birthday. She was very affectionate and loving. It all felt so right but of course afterward she went back to him. In other conversations she has admitted her new life isn't what she expected but she is going to try to make it work and not to wait for her. She has discovered that her son doesn't want her to come around and only really sees her when he has to. I've tried to start applying some of LRT and not send friendly texts or think of excuses to meet. She has said she'll let me decide how much of a friend I want to be. I've tried to keep busy and have even been out with her sister and friends without talking about her. We will meet for a relaxation class we do together. First contact in a week. Longest time virtually silent. Feeling nervous
I've posted my story previously (She's thinking of leaving again) but my question is very specifically what now? My wife left to live with another older man four weeks ago. She left behind a shocked fifteen year old son who wants little to do with her. She admits things aren't what she hoped for but wants to try to make her new relationship work. "She loves me but not like that" . Anyway as we still coincide once a week for a relaxation class we met before for a coffee. She keeps proposing activities for us to do as a family and even tells me I'm better company than the new man. She isn't proposing coming back but wants me as a special friend. I try to tell we can't be a part time happy family and she can't have her cake and eat it but she keeps saying it isn't like that. She even said she'd be happy to have family mini-breaks in the future. When I ask her what about the new guy she says he can't tell her what to do. How do you respond to someone who you love and want back but seems to live an unreal world?
Hi Scrant, just read up on your other thread and I'm sorry you have to be here. Try to keep your posts in the same thread until it reaches 100 posts, it will help people follow along. Another good thing to do is post often as threads fall a few pages back very quickly. So to make sure people are exposed to your thread, just keep posting. Even if its just you posting to yourself for several days or weeks, keep posting and eventually people will catch up and offer support.
Maybe Cadet can merge these threads also.
I cant imagine having to go through this for the amount of years you have but there are things you can do to help out the situation. I know you love your W but its obvious she needs help and to understand how certain things work, things she hasn't learned yet.
As long as you continue to take her back and be her friend why would she stop doing what shes doing? If things don't work out this time with OM it looks like she will just come back to you and the process will repeat in a few years again, I'm sure no one wants that. She will continue to go from man to man chasing what she feels will make her happy instead of realizing it comes from inside. The same with love, she will just jump around until she finds what shes looking for, but she never will with how shes looking.
Its obvious she does have feelings for you, but you cant keep telling her to consider you if things don't work out with OM, it goes against what you want and is only enabling her to continue doing it. Stop doing it. For a woman to feel love for another man she generally has to respect him, I'm not sure she can do that with you right now. I hope someone else can come into your thread and give you better advice on what specifically to do. For now I think you need to stop being the man she can always walk back to no matter what, stop being her special friend while she is involved in an A. Don't confuse this with being an [censored] toward her, you can interact with her from a place of strength and love while remaining firm on your boundaries. If sandi stops by she can give you some tough love on this also. I think when depression is mixed with a WW it changes their attitude slightly toward you but the fact is shes still willing to do anything to get what she thinks will make her feel good, no matter what it does to those around her.
What are you doing to GAL right now? Exercise, sleep, eating, etc. The basics of DB that will help you become the man only a fool would leave and make you enjoy life with or without her? Why not rejoin that sports team and interact with some new or old friends. What else can you do to liven up your life, maybe something new with S15?
Last edited by Fogg; 11/12/1511:59 AM.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Thanks for your kind words Fogg.I have tried to GAL, I've run my first 10k race in 33 years, been out with workmates and spent some time with friends who are willing to listen to me. Spend plenty of quality time with my son. What I find hard is to decide how much contact I should have with her right now. On the one hand I like her to know what I'm doing but on the other we finish the evening with hugs, smiles and kisses before she leaves again, bringing me down.
IMO if you allow her your friendship she's getting the best of both worlds. My advice would be to tell her something to the effect that your integrity prevents a friendship based on how you've been treated. Tell her you're interested in a productive coparenting arrangement for the sake of your son but that would be the extent of the contact you want to have with her right now. Unfortunately it needs to get worse for her before it will get better.
Giving her what she wants (your friendship) is a prescription for sustained limbo.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Hi Scrant, I can relate exactly how you feel. My WW moved in with OM about a month and a half ago.
IMO as well, the friendship is allowing the best of both worlds and will continue in limbo if you allow it. It is really an open marriage if you think about it. Some are okay with this kind of relationship and will wait it out, but I knew in my heart I couldn't do that.
In my case, because of the way my WW left for the OM, I told her we could no longer be friends while she was with OM and after divorce. I told her we would continue to be great parents to our S2, and work on co-parenting and logistics which is so crucial. But beyond that, no real friendship. One of the hardest paths I have ever decided on because I realized I may or may never have a close relationship with her again. But I just couldn't live in an open marriage.
Now there is limited contact (she initiates almost entirely) maybe a text message per week. Over time I am accepting this as the new reality, and focusing on S2 and I with trying new things and GAL. This is again just my situation and the approach I took. It took a month to make my decision on friendship of what I truly wanted (although I want to reconcile with WW, she told me she is done and moved on, so what choice did I really have... I can't change her so I could only focus on me and my emotional health?).
I guess through all this I wanted to share my story in a nutshell. It is true that while WW is in an A, they will not want to work on MR. This is a given, thus any signs of improvement you THINK you see are not towards improving MR... it is just cake eating.
The above advice from Fogg and Accuray are great. GAL is excellent and as I can see you are right into that.
You have tremendous support here and will get through this.
M: 33 W: 30 T: 14 M: 9 S2 BD: May/2015 (w moves into spare bedroom one week later) EA / PA (discovered): June/2015 W moves out (living with OM): Sep/2015
Thanks Cadet. Sorry a bit new to all this. Sandi thanks for your thread. Would I be right in withdrawing as much as possible? Stop going to the same class. Wait for her texts and calls, be friendly but not too conversational?
