It's bait. She is checking to see how emotionally attached you are, and if she still has you in the palm of her hand. Once she's assured you would do anything to keep her......than she's immediately disinterested.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
It's bait. She is checking to see how emotionally attached you are, and if she still has you in the palm of her hand. Once she's assured you would do anything to keep her......than she's immediately disinterested.
and of course you're right again. It is bait and I don't feel like I gave her any reassurance. I feel it's definitely making an impact. Do you think the examples I gave are crumbs of her moving in the right direction?
Me 40 WW 41 D 4 S 12 S 14 BD 6.16.2015 W stopped wearing ring 9.4.15 W Filed Divorce 9.14.15 My ring off 11.15.15 D finalized 12.18.15 WXW (wayward X wife) moved out 1.28.16 got her own place
Clearly she has pain from your infidelity. Validate her feelings not her desire to end the marriage.
Read Wonka's validation page.
Is it too late to validate the feelings she expressed this morning? If I were to send a text that said "thank you for sharing your feelings this morning. I know this last year has been really hard for you." am I pursuing?
Me 40 WW 41 D 4 S 12 S 14 BD 6.16.2015 W stopped wearing ring 9.4.15 W Filed Divorce 9.14.15 My ring off 11.15.15 D finalized 12.18.15 WXW (wayward X wife) moved out 1.28.16 got her own place
Youre wife sounds just like mine. Everything you say about her , sounds like youre talking about my wife. She is the most prideful woman i have ever met. It's scary at times. I have always catered to her and she has always bullied me. Right now she left the marriage and took both of my daughters d8months d3yrs into a women shelter. Her pride is that big she is not scared to "start from 0 and build herself back up" just like she told me. Ive gotten closer to God as well and accepted Jesus Christ. I have dropped my L, i have given my M and WW to God. He will handle my situation , i am no longer worried or have any anxiety.
This is great and I feel like I'm getting there. I have less anxiety but have times of pure panic. Everyday it's less
Me 40 WW 41 D 4 S 12 S 14 BD 6.16.2015 W stopped wearing ring 9.4.15 W Filed Divorce 9.14.15 My ring off 11.15.15 D finalized 12.18.15 WXW (wayward X wife) moved out 1.28.16 got her own place
Sandi, I wish I could put you on retainer and just call for quick help
This is rich! I'm angry!
My WW invited her parents to our house for the weekend. I'm going out of town Fri-Sun but she has them coming today (Thursday). She sent me a txt that says "will you be out tonight?" I txted "No. I'll be home" She txted "Are you going to want to have D4 tonight or anything? This feels really awkward for my parents and I"
ugh....haven't responded yet. What do I say?
Me 40 WW 41 D 4 S 12 S 14 BD 6.16.2015 W stopped wearing ring 9.4.15 W Filed Divorce 9.14.15 My ring off 11.15.15 D finalized 12.18.15 WXW (wayward X wife) moved out 1.28.16 got her own place
and what if she is afraid something will be said to her parents because maybe she hasn't told them that she filed for D?
Me 40 WW 41 D 4 S 12 S 14 BD 6.16.2015 W stopped wearing ring 9.4.15 W Filed Divorce 9.14.15 My ring off 11.15.15 D finalized 12.18.15 WXW (wayward X wife) moved out 1.28.16 got her own place
It is bait and I don't feel like I gave her any reassurance. I feel it's definitely making an impact. Do you think the examples I gave are crumbs of her moving in the right direction?
Maybe I need to clarify. By bait, I mean she gives what you want to see as crumbs, only it is not crumbs at all. It is the WW's way of seeing if you are emotionally invested and to see if she still has an emotional hold over you. She will never admit it, and maybe she's so messed up she doesn't truly realize it, IDK. I just know that is how WW's will do LBH'S.
For example, it isn't that hard for a woman to turn on the tears. Why would a mother start bawling in front of her little girl? She wouldn't, if she wasn't a self-centered WW, b/c she would not want to upset her child. She would leave the room and go cry in private. I believe it was her attempt to get you to assure her that she is the only woman you will ever love and that you still want her to leave you, etc, etc.
Another example is when she brought up your A and threw it in your face. She was themp checking. She wanted you to assure her your feelings for her have not changed. What did you think about her admitting to her A and then quickly adding she was but isn't now?
Each time you thought it could be a crumb, it was a test, IMO.
I was not telling you to go assure her. And, I am glad you didn't. I was saying what she wanted was to know she still held the relationship, and your feelings, in the palm of her hand. This is how a WW operates. It's just my opinion.
I am not saying you need to cause her to think you are in an A or dating, etc. I am saying that it would be a plus if she realized she is setting you free. You will be single and can date. The WW who is not concerned about a woman replacing her in H's life, is a W too far gone.
My advice would be not to send a message to her, in an after attempt to validate. It comes across as pursuing.
I believe there is a time for validation, and a time for that person to be left with their own thoughts and feelings. You were willing to make amends, and she is angry and don't want to clean up her mess. She just wants to look at your mess!
If your W had a revenge affair, that's really bad. I think it would take some serious guidance for both of you to get the MR back on track again. For both of you to have cheated, causes double trouble, double pain, double trust issues, etc. At the moment, you seem willing to forgive her and heal the relationship. For her, she is so full of anger, jealousy, mistrust, resentment, and hurt.......it would be very difficult for her to lay it to rest, at the moment. May be a long time before she is can. Besides, how long has it been since her own A? Has she gone through withdrawals? You see, it is such a mess that both of you may have to go in separate directions, get individual therapy and then couples therapy, before you can even think about piecing. But again, that's only an opinion.
It is possible. Very possible, in fact. I just don't see it falling into place easily or quickly. It is going to take a long road of very hard work for both of you. I think it will be harder for her than you, to work through all of this stuff. I think it may take time apart. That is not always a bad thing. Just saying, if you S, it doesn't mean it's the end.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Why would her parents feel awkward if they don't know?
Quote:
and what if she is afraid something will be said to her parents because maybe she hasn't told them that she filed for D?
That's not your problem. It is time for her to put on her big girl panties! She has removed herself out from your protection, by filing for a D. So, let her clean up her own mess.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
at about 4:15 am WW entered room and slide in bed with me as the "little spoon" I didn't say anything, she was crying. It took a min or so to get my wits about me and I thought about asking her to leave but then I thought "what would Jesus do".....what about what the older lady prayer partner from my church said about "she will feel His love through you" and I've been praying she would feel His love through me. We laid there for about 5 min then she got up and left. Nothing was said
I'm leaving this morning for 3 days before anyone gets up. I'll not reach out to her.
Not sure if I messed up or not.
Me 40 WW 41 D 4 S 12 S 14 BD 6.16.2015 W stopped wearing ring 9.4.15 W Filed Divorce 9.14.15 My ring off 11.15.15 D finalized 12.18.15 WXW (wayward X wife) moved out 1.28.16 got her own place
