LBH w/ a WW trying to save my M

[gs9]

Gnicks



Ok .. I get the panic in your sitch … I’ve been there, just where you are .. in fact twice… once in Mar13 and again in Mar 14. Sandi is spot on with everything she has said and I totally agree ..I will just hit on some key points that she addressed but they are important.

Thank you. You and Sandi are being great to me. I hope someday I can repay you in some way. It's wonderful to hear from another guy who has successfully navigated through my sitch.

The first .. praying for her, setting up the TV to watch .. all that … while your heart is in the right place its coming off as pursuing, on top of that it sends a judgmental tone … she had the A, the guilt is there or it isn’t .. that is between her and God, God doesn’t need your help he already has this figured out and you are pushing YOUR agenda here … sure fighting for your marriage may be noble but the more you squeeze the harder she will fight to slip out and you getting up on the pulpit will only make her run harder, she will turn to God when most of us typically do … when we need him to fix the mess we made, we realize the damage we’ve done and we own up to our mistakes … your WW is not there.

Again, you both are right. It is pursuing and sounds preachy/judgmental. She knows I can set up the TV to watch it online and she can ask me if she'd like to watch it. I will continue to take my daughter to church. I'll let my WW know she is welcome to join us but will not ask her to go. Does this sound right "D4 and I are going to the 9am service. You're welcome to join us if you'd like."

She knows I pray for her so I don't need to tell her.

She also knows I do my daily devotionals every morning in my office and she is welcome to join me at any time.

I will continue to set the right example and let her come to me.

As far as the mediation … as Sandi says your W knows you do not want it .. it’s a power play here, you are deprerately wanting to do all in your power to stop this and regain control, she is pushing it to keep control. Reading your posts I will lean on your faith. Do you truly trust God? Go and really get some quiet time and be alone with Him, my advice … what I did .. I gave my M to God and decided to use that energy and focused on myself and my son. I showed up to both the mediation sessions happy, at peace and ready to accept whatever it was God decided for me. W had doubts and DBing, having faith, above all having patience is the only reason I am not D. Even if I was D’d I knew in my heart I was going to be OK .. you need to work on yourself a bit and let God have this portion of the fight.

I have really been striving to do this part. To let her go, let my M go and let God. If we D I will be better than OK bc He has a plan for me better than I can imagine.
Your insight here is fantastic. I'm going to show up to mediation tomorrow happy, at peace and ready to accept whatever it is God has for me. And I'm going to have patience. For the last couple weeks or so I've been hearing God tell me "Wait." Waiting is so hard!

Last thing, I think you see it and looks like sandi touched on it. A W never seems to love a man she does not respect. You retaking the MBR was a step .. but you must continue to build your own self-worth and rebuild your self-esteem. My W was a lot like yours, critical, vicious with the words and over time she broke me down, I became a fixer, conflict avoid .. its common among us LBHs here and when we start to rebuild ourselves, set boundaries and demand to be treated with respect … one would think its empowering but I argue its nothing short of freedom, not carrying around that weight of having to accept punishment is an extremely liberating thing.

It has felt GREAT! She has not treated with my respect and mostly bc I've allowed it. I've enabled her bad behavior But no more. This last week there have been some significant changes so I will continue on the path I'm on and alter a couple things based on the advice you guys are giving me ie eliminate all acts of pursuing, preaching, and not tolerating being treated as her doormat. I believe I set some good boundaries and foundation this last week and will continue to build on it.

My advice … stand up for yourself in mediation, consult a L to protect YOUR rights and insulate your children. This is HER choice, you do not have to like it but respect this is what she feels she needs, in her mind you are the singular obstacle in the way of her happiness and she will have to discover if that is true on her own without your help. You’ve been a door mat for much of the marriage, she is not used to you sticking up for yourself … let her spew and pout as things do not go her way .. its normal .. she will not like it but the hopes are she will at the least start respecting you.

Brilliant again! Thank you. I will not be pushed around in mediation and will not be her door mat anymore. I have consulted a L but will again if necessary.

[CaliGuy]

I would at this point not invite her to church given all you've posted. If she wants to join you great, but you throwing it out there again seems to be pushy at this point.... I'd just let her be for a bit.

Here is the thing, you've put in some serious changes but your WW will be of the opinion it's all a trick, like you have a spring loaded trap to catch her and get her back into the M .... It's going to take MONTHS, maybe longer for her to accept your changes and believe they are real and will stick... Let's be honest, it's going to take you being consistent in keeping up these changes regardless if your WW buys me or not.

She fired you... The M you had is gone , from the sounds of it it's most likely better off that way. I can not stress enough that you need to focus on yourself and work to improve for you... Do the work, use the gift of time... The holidays are coming and it's going to get bumpy and if you do not have your head screwed on tight this is going to be even harder.

What are your goals?
GALs ?

[gs9]

I would at this point not invite her to church given all you've posted. If she wants to join you great, but you throwing it out there again seems to be pushy at this point.... I'd just let her be for a bit.

Got it. I'll not invite her. She knows she's welcome if she would like to go.

Here is the thing, you've put in some serious changes but your WW will be of the opinion it's all a trick, like you have a spring loaded trap to catch her and get her back into the M .... It's going to take MONTHS, maybe longer for her to accept your changes and believe they are real and will stick... Let's be honest, it's going to take you being consistent in keeping up these changes regardless if your WW buys me or not.

Ugh.....I don't have months. Luckily these changes are for me. I'll no longer allow anyone to walk on me or abuse me the way she has. I never did before her. I became soft towards her and enabled her. Bad mistake.

She fired you... The M you had is gone , from the sounds of it it's most likely better off that way. I can not stress enough that you need to focus on yourself and work to improve for you... Do the work, use the gift of time... The holidays are coming and it's going to get bumpy and if you do not have your head screwed on tight this is going to be even harder.

yeah the holidays are going to be weird plus We both have a B-day coming up.
It is better off that the M I had is gone. I will not go back to that M so I will either have a healthy M and healthy wife or I will have a D. I know in order to R it will take a long time and there will have to be significant changes in the way she behaves and treats me. There will also need to be significant changes in the dynamics of our R. She may not be willing to change and if she's not then we will be D. I will not accept a M like we had.
I feel my gift of time is very short.

What are your goals?
GALs ?

1st goal- a closer walk with God. I decided a little over a year ago that I was just going through the motions. I wasn't spending the time with Him that I needed to. I started daily devotions every morning in my office and have set it as a great way to start my day.
2nd goal I set financial goals in the spring before her first A. My goal was to make enough $ that she could quit her job and stay home with D4 by Aug 1st. I accomplished that goal with God's help. Too bad she decided to be unfaithful and is not reaping the blessings. She is still working.
My 3rd goal is to foster some real friendships. My wife had separated me from most of my friends and family. Our IC said it's an control issue for her stemming from her abuse as a child. This goal plays right into GAL-ing. I've been spending a lot of time with guys from my men's group at church and an old friend who just moved back to town. I've been away from the house 2-3 nights per week. I'm usually home no later than 11 pm.
My 4th goal was to have a 6 pack by my 40th birthday. It's on Thursday. I'm close but didn't quite get there. I've always been involved in sports and activities but had only been working out at home and not watching my nutrition. Since her A I've been hitting the gym hard and my appetite has been suppressed to a healthy level. This focus has really allowed me to feel more balanced and gives me an avenue to let out frustrations.
5th goal is to play rugby again. I was hoping to be able to join the squad this fall but I've hurt my legs a couple times and am now hoping to join in the spring.

[gs9]

So I ordered both books. DR has it was delivered on Saturday but it's not here. DB arrived today. Where do I start?

[CaliGuy]

Both are similar... Start on chapter 1

[gs9]

Ugh....need to vent. When I got home tonight i left my phone on the kitchen island. It rang and a text msg came through while i was out of the room. When I walked back into the room my WW said "I picked up your phone and I don't think someone who wanted to reconcile their marriage would have a code on their phone. You have it on their to hide all your secrets. You're a liar. I know you're f***ing some 17 yr old at the gym. You're doing steroids, working out all the time and f***ing some 17 yr old at the gym. You're talking bad about me our phone and sleeping around. You don't really want to reconcile it's just a big act so you can tell everyone this was all my fault and you did everything you could. When the truth is you're playing the nice guy but have your thing going on on the side." I just looked at her, nodded my head and walked away. I went to the office to get my head phones bc I could tell where this was going. She tried to bait me a couple more times and i just put in my headphones. I hung out with the kids and paid no attention to her.

I know I am not to reassure her and to act nonchalant but I know she has plans Wednesday night and she just told me I would need to take D4 to preschool on Thurs. I think she is accusing me of this stuff to justify her staying out with OM on Wednesday. What do I do?

1. nothing and act like it doesn't bother me
2. tell her falsely accusing me of sleeping around doesn't justify her actions. Her actions are her choices and I'm not to blame for the choices she is making
3. Tell her I can't take D4 to preschool on Thurs. Which may be true. It's going to make me late for work.

Ugh...

[gs9]

Mediation in 2 hours.

Thank you Cali for the statement about going into mediation happy and at peace. I believe this will not only help me detach but will also show her I'm letting go.

God always provides just what we need when we need it. This morning my devotional included this statement

"He travels with us. As you move through this day, He has gone ahead of you. As you reflect on yesterday, He has followed behind you. But best of all, right now in this moment, He places His hand f gracious blessing on your head."

[gs9]

MiL is coming to town tomorrow.

MiL says WW doesn't tell her what's really going on. I don't even know if the MiL knows WW filed for D. I know MiL has told WW she needs to end her A and work on our M. I have told her my desire to R but it was before WW filed D. Do I reassure the MiL about my resolve to R? That I have not given up and that I do not want this D?

[Thornton]

Nope, no need to reassure anyone. Just breathe and come here before you do anything. Focus on the mediation and relax. Mediation can get heated, stay calm and resolute. Your WW may try to bait you into an argument. Breathe...

[CaliGuy]

Typical behavior ... She is projecting her stuff onto you, you handled it well by not taking the bait.

Some moments like that are a good time for some truth darts, I once had a similar situation and I calmly asked my son what my passcode was (this was to show how open I was) ... I punched it in, handed her my phone and walked away. Only issue I honestly had was her looking at the history and finding this place (I don't think she knows how to do that nor what browser on my phone I use for this site... Still a gamble) but more concerned she was going to chuck the iPhone (new and no insurance) into a wall since I called her bluff and it pi$$ed her off.

Truth darts can be helpful if done calmly and deliberately just to call them on their absurd chit

Your GALs have her spinning, and note she is all to aware you still want to reconcile ... So keep your trap shut about that ... There will be a point she has to feel loss, and it looks like she is processing what is going to happen but the gravity of the situation has not set in... Stay PMA and stay the course