That's great Ghost. What we need from you is less of the 'going around in circles' talk replaced with some action....so you look like Danny Devito....he's a film star!!
No, seriously the sky is the limit. Anyone can become Ironman if that is what they choose to do. It's not for everyone, but finding physical activities you enjoy and becoming fitter is a good thing for you. Put your W to one side and do it for yourself and your kids....so you can run around with them and have a silly old time without getting winded.
Tell us some more about dancing and classes....this sounds like fun....and remember, please none of the going around in circles about your W (cheeseless) - just action from you.
Good luck xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
So now you have some idea where you went wrong do something about it.
Each R is special and different but when I tried to be Mr. Poppins it backfired. However... when I just backed off a little and did things, silly things like putting the trash out without her telling me and other things I generally needed reminding about but still giving her control of the house to a point where I see she is happy with that share. That took notice.
When I looked after my appearance and started going out with friends on a friday night or weekend or even by myself just to the movies. That took notice to the point she suspected I was meeting someone. May have overdone it. I do not know how you dress but if you are Mr. Comfortable, try being Mr. Smart & Casual. If you have some hair and not completely bald do a Bruce Willis yipee kay yay and chop it off or do a moden haircut if you have some. Please do not tell me you are one of those that has a bald patch and tries to cover it with side hair. Covert operations are for military not haircuts. it looks ridiculous.
The only reason I go to the gim 5 days a week G is that I have been going consistently for many years. I enjoy working out and ever since I started travelling a lot there are periods where I take a break and then return with a stronger desire. Otherwise you can be a slave to it. The idea is to enjoy it. One final thing, take it easy, go about 3 times a week and give yourself 2-3 months before noticing any difference. This start up period will be hard as your body adjusts and you will feel more pain than gain. The positive side is that you will then feel much better. Stick it out. If you do like it then you can start looking at supplements (natural) to help you on your workouts but follow the advice of your doctor just in case. I take protein shakes, creatine, etc and it does help, especially when you are our age.
Just one final point G, helping around the house, going to the gym are not sure fire ways of getting your W back. I said this a few times and also read a post where sandi hinted why men think that being superdaddy and mr fix it will get their W back. As if that was the cause of her quitting..... or along those lines. I agree.
If you think it is down to being there in all its terms then dont concentrate on the kids, house and gim. I cannot express what she wants, I think the ladies in-da-house know exactly what the profile is of a MAN of the house/ a HUSBAND. The best way I can explain it in my own words would be someone who shows love and has their back.
You may laugh but after BD when I was at my most vulnerable and over romantic, i read the following quote and finally understood a great many things:
If you love a flower, don’t pick it. If you do it dies and it ceases to be what you love. So if you love a flower, let it be. Love is not about possession. Love is about appreciation
As each M & R is different so too will the meaning for each one.
NB: Please cut the "time to start changing"..."time to work on me"... etc.. please please cut the cheap salesman pitch you end your posts with. You said it over and over again with no action. JUST DO IT.
Remember its not you you have to convince nor us (which btw you are not doing hehe) but her.
I have read your posts and am sorry you have gone through all that.
I do not know if your H is a real mental case or a wimp.
I was in a similar situation years ago between my mother and my W. My mother had depressive issues and a character you had to navigate around but we grew close when my dad left. we had only each other, that creates a bond from mother/son to dependency because we literally depended on each other for survival. Emotional and financial. This is something unless you have lived it you cannot understand.
My W comes from a happy home with 3 brothers and a father she adores and looks up to. When she appeared on the scene it was a tense situation until I finally had to choose and stood by my wife.
My relationship with my parents went downhill especially with mom but I still think i did the right thing. My only regret was how I could have handled that better but hindsight can be a b***ch sometimes.
I enjoy reading your unfortunate posts because it reflects your honesty and integrity, it is just a shame we cannot chat in real time.
Huddy the problem is I am not ready and do not know when and if I will feel ready to stand up and put the house on the market ...I have concerns that if I do this then she could always at a later date turn around and say you made the decision and now I am homeless I need more of a settlement to give our children the lifestyle
Quote:
Huddy also I am the kind of person that needs to be arround people I fear being alone I am not great looking I am overweight ...doing something about this balding and I am 46 years old I am [censored] when it comes to forming a new relationship or chatting to people.
Please do not get me wrong I just am not ready to date and do not want to be alone I know my w has left in spirit and mind but she is still arround the house I see her I am trying to detach need gal things to do
This is not healthy. You are so dependent on your W that your fear of being homeless and dying alone is eating you alive. Stop thinking this stuff and do something about it. She pulled you away from your family, you have no friends, and don't like to socialize with people if she's not there to support you. (I just threw that last one in, but bet I wasn't far off).
You are still talking about the same stuff. When are you going to set some small goals about working on these things you fear? If you never start act on them, there will be no changes. No man should feel that his very life depends the shell of a W staying with him.
Scheduling dance classes is A+, now the next step is actually attending.....and not allowing your W's words to keep you home. No excuses about the kids, housework, schoolwork, or how your W feels that day. Okay?
Have you done anything about seeing a lawyer, just to see where you stand financially, child support, etc.? Make it a goal. It doesn't hurt just to get legal advice, does it?
Where can you go to meet new people? Do you belong to any charity organizations, clubs, or Church? Do you ever volunteer to help elderly people, or some community project? Getting involved with other people and finding new activities can help some of your feelings of low self worth.
We are trying to give you solutions, Ghost. I asked if you could just go one week without talking about the house, and you never slowed down. Well, okay, you don't have to do it just b/c I suggested it, but we are racking our brains trying to help you with these issues. You have to at least try a few suggested solutions.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Max, thank you for your perspective. I know my H is in a hard place, its not like he was raised in a functional home and then dropped into this sitch. His mother knows how to manipulate him and she is "winning" and his father is in on it too. Its an all out war against me, but I am not fighting. I do not think it is easy on H, and I believe just as it is with affairs, the wayward spouse has to somehow justify his/her actions by demonizing the spouse. I think H started doing that with his EA and then when his parents got wind of it, it was their opportunity to finally get their way in to H's head.
My S11 now cries hysterically every time my D walks into the room because she is "teasing him." Yes, she is mean. But he cries even if he just sees her through the window or hears her voice. She is teasing less, and he is crying more. I believe the dynamic doesn't have to do with her at all, but that he does not have a positive male role model for handling his emotions.
It is all such a mess.
And Ghost, sorry to hijack your thread. I am excited for you for your dance lessons? What kind of dance? I would love to take a "social" dance class as I look like some kind of crazed jogger or lunatic while attempting to dance at weddings and such.
Also Ghost, maybe set some goals at the gym?
Bench press 80? Then 90? Specific measurable goals so you can track your progress. And yes, buy a couple of updated gym clothes and look the part.
Sandi2 You have no idea how grateful I am for your help I really am right now I know I am spiralling right now I think I'm in trouble
I realise that my wife is gone I have a trouble accepting it but I do realise this is the case being at home with her in the house I don't know how long I can go on for this I do not want to be the one to clear everything in the house I do not want to be the one to start the divorce proceedings I am honestly lost
When. I have spoken to my wife about selling the house and she says we will deal with that when and if we have to sell it just makes me have a sliver of hope but I know this is wrong
I am trying my best to detach I'm trying my best to not think about a life without her doing every day and her not being there Christmas Easter school holidays bringing my daughter up alone but seeing my wife who will then be by ex w on a daily basis.
I so want to try and convince her that this is wrong but I know that is wrong [censored] I don't know what to do
I just don't know I feel lost and I'm going to be alone and I have to work on myself I must I have to go right now I'm going to the gym
Sandi2 thank you
Ghost
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
You are still talking about the same stuff. When are you going to set some small goals about working on these things you fear? If you never start and act on them, there will be no changes.
This.
This.
This.
Who cares about EASTER? Thats a LIFETIME away.
What you should care about is getting to the dance class. Is getting to the gym. Is spending time with your kids.
