I may have left the room if my H did that as well. I would have felt angry, even though you were trying to do the right thing. I want help with the kids, but I do not need help in something I have under control. If you want to get involved there are a million other things the kids need.
I would have also been angry that you stepped in when you did not have all the facts.
I know you were asking questions to get more facts, and I am not saying this is logical, but I do not think it would have mattered what question you asked. Because this issue could be somehow connected to past issues, and unless you have all the facts from all the past issues, she might feel that you should not step into what your W might think is the middle of an issue.
There is only one exception I can think of. Except when your sentence begins with "Your mother is absolutely right..."
In the past, I might have appreciated it if my H stepped in and tried to get more info, but when things are strained, it could feel like you are double checking her advice to see if you think it is right.
I may be wrong, but as a W and mom, stepping in on a bunch of little issues would go a long way in making me feel better. Things that might not seem important. For example, everyday ask your S or D what they had for lunch. Even if you think you know the answer, just ask. Next week, if W is going to the store, ask her to buy whatever your S or D ate the most of. It shows you really paid attention all week, and you are already thinking about what they need next week.
I know when you worked for FIL you put in many hours. She may be feeling that she has handled this fine all this time. But I bet she also feels alone in the small things. She would feel more like a parenting team if someone else knew that the purple sweater is the favorite, and they want to wear it on Saturday, so it must be clean, etc...
I am not saying you did anything wrong at all. Asking questions and talking to them to get more information is wonderful! Please dont think I am bashing you in the slightest. I'm just trying to show you what it might have looked like in her eyes. She may not even know why she was mad or realize what you were trying to do.
You are trying so hard, and getting little reward, and I know how tough it is. Sorry if I rambled too long on your thread. Have a good weekend!
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
That's awesome advice Mona52. You sound like someone who is very accomplished in DB'ing and I'm looking forward to catching up on your sitch. Can't get my head around the registered at the beginning of 2012 but only 17 posts, hopefully your thread will clarify why that is the case.
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
Mona, thank you for your insight. I appreciate your opinion. I will be conscious of that type of behavior and stop it. Your suggestion to be more attentive to family and household needs is brilliant. Thank you and please stop by again. I need more friends like you.
Avanti, thanks for stopping by I welcome your support.
Azzork, outstanding advice in only five words, thank you.
I am not sure whats happening to me but I am less driven, compelled, focused on my wife every second. It's not like I don't care, I do. It's not like I'm not interested, I am. It's not that I've given up hope,I haven't. It's that I am just tired of actively waiting for her to change her behavior.
I am thinking about what I want to do this weekend. What I want to accomplish. I am done trying to effect change in my wife's mind.
You sound like a man who is turning a corner mutatio, keep on doing what you are doing, thinking like you are thinking and a new vista will soon appear.
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
That is great to hear! Don't be surprised if tomorrow you feel like you have taken 3 steps back and your world revolves around her again. It is not a straight line of evolution, but it is evolution non the less! Just remember, days like this will come more frequently if you work on it. Good job!
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
That is great to hear! Don't be surprised if tomorrow you feel like you have taken 3 steps back and your world revolves around her again. It is not a straight line of evolution, but it is evolution non the less! Just remember, days like this will come more frequently if you work on it. Good job!
Mona, thank you for your insight. I appreciate your opinion. I will be conscious of that type of behavior and stop it. Your suggestion to be more attentive to family and household needs is brilliant. Thank you and please stop by again. I need more friends like you.
Avanti, thanks for stopping by I welcome your support.
Azzork, outstanding advice in only five words, thank you.
I am not sure whats happening to me but I am less driven, compelled, focused on my wife every second. It's not like I don't care, I do. It's not like I'm not interested, I am. It's not that I've given up hope,I haven't. It's that I am just tired of actively waiting for her to change her behavior.
I am thinking about what I want to do this weekend. What I want to accomplish. I am done trying to effect change in my wife's mind.
I think I have evolved.
Good, good, good! And, wow. You're getting great advice. Thinking of you...have a good weekend.
lost08
M 43 H 48 M 19y T 20y D 14 S 12 H returned home from out of country 8/8/15 BD 8/11/15 EA Began end of June/beginning of July 2015; ongoing PA H denies ILYBINILWY
Shift happens almost instantaneously, once there is knowledge one can never unknow. Commonly referred to as light bulb moments.
This is major shift, the big leap stuff that moves us to the next Kubler Ross stage (or back) as needed.
Sometimes I observe enormous struggle and resistance but then that pull of the higher power comes and great shift occurs. Often with internal evaluation and thought process. It's sometimes enough to make the story and become authentic.
Let us recap.
You have significant childhood disruption, I think I counted at least 6 ACES (adverse childhood experiences), we have then a four stage recovery ending with you and W separating.
A substitute father figure in FIL, who seems to have done a terrific job all around.
The inheritance of this is your absolute need for assurance and security before you are able to take any risk. It would seem from your observation that once you are score then you will follow your dreams.
Nothing so far seems to be untoward. Dreams are sometimes intended to be only dreams.
So I have a couple of reservations about those around you. Primarily giving up alcohol and without a development program or 12 step to address the pathway to addiction and redress.
I encourage you to heal from the physiology up, and after this to explore the addiction (alcohol) and its effects and to atone completely to all including yourself.
It has cost you not to have been in a recovery program, I think you appeased rather than atoned. My sense is this is where damage lies.
Addiction is a very selfish act, it needs repair. When you follow your dream as you must, absolutely you must, without repair this too may be seen as a selfish act. Keeping your bridges intact will disenfranchise you from your children and in laws.
There is much work to be done, with each child and family member to ascertain an individual link and to make ready.
What do you think would be best with each child (yes, I know adults!) but still your children.
Tell me about each one and the effects of this on them.
You can say, nose out V, it's ok.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 10/04/1501:10 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
