Any differences between WAH's and WAW's? (2)

[Vanilla]

No I get it.

This is your choice and absolutely you are allowed to be miserable in an M if it is on balance the better option than D

V

[JulieH]

Zues

I agree with your sentiment, and i believe that many of the problems in marriage are universal battle of the sexes, and very fixable. But like rouky mentioned, when one person does not share that sentiment or level of commitment what can really be done? Unfortunately there really is no screening method for finding that partner that really would stay with you through everything.

My husband was so stable and dependable and loyal in every way. He took a long time to commit to marriage and said this was something he only wanted to do once. As I have said before, i did not cheat or flirt or partake in any vices, I have been a very patient mother (one of my sons has major behavior/sensory issues) , I stayed in shape (although admittedly was too tired to dress up), and to be honest I nagged a lot less then many other wives did and probably tolerated more than many others would have (husband would stay up late with video games/movies and then would not wake up to help with anything till 2 in the afternoon and if I let him even later) and he left when things became difficult. (He justifies leaving by insisting that I pushed him out with some cruel remarks)

I feel so angry just at the fact that he would abandon us, because I thought his character was similar to mine, and this lack of commitment is very hard for for me to come to terms with.

In the first series of the talk you recommended, the speaker mentions that the problem is that we commit to a marriage instead of a person. Are/were you committed to your wife or to marriage as an institution? Which is it that you are referring to?

[JulieH]

Lonelee,

I have still not been able to catch up with your threads, but I have reread your post a few times and find it encouraging. You said that I too have power, as I make up half of the partnership. My husband said something like this to me as well during the conversation. I have thought about it and still do not feel it and to be honest I don't see it or really understand.

I feel like The only power I have comes when I no longer care about making the relationship work. If/When I get to that point I don't know how that would help anything.
Am I seeing this wrong?

How do I work on what I need to do when he is not around? The crazy thing is I have great relationships with my family, coworkers, friends. He would even tell me "you have patience for everyone but me". i don't know why this is true but it is and now I worry because I have limited chances to work on things and I do not know how to navigate it because the advice is conflicting and counterintuitive and I simply don't get him. He walled me off.

[V2pt0]

I am not sure about committed to the spouse thing. Most of the time I think we are primarily committed to our spouses. However, when you are dealing with something your S has done, intentionally or not, that is so painful, whether it be an A, sexless M, no affection, etc., I am not sure it is realistic to rely solely on commitment to your spouse. I think it is more like Painter's signature:
_________________________
On a good day, I'm committed to my spouse.
On a so-so day, I'm committed to my marriage.
On a bad day, I'm committed to my commitment

I realize I was the one that filed in my sitch, but at a certain point you realize you have to start protecting yourself. Maybe I could have found that another way, but I think in my case it was the only way to get H to realize I he was going to lose me. Even now, it seems to has not made a difference and its most likely because of his A.

[JulieH]

Today sucked. I was feeling pretty depressed about how my life is just not where I wanted it to be. I feel like such a failure. It is hard to be fun and optimistic with the kids.

I was reading another post in which a left behind husband moved on from his wayward wife. She now wants him back and he came to the realization that she had too many issues and no longer wants to reconcile.

I am happy for him (all of our ultimate fantasies I'm sure). But I could not help feeling like I was that wife. i did not do the things that she did, But obviously my actions were bad enough tthat my husband feels he could not handle it any more. That I was so bad to him he left. I remember all the times I took my stresses out at him, and criticized him. And I feel like now it is simply too late and the longer he is gone, the less of a chance he has to come back. There is no other woman. He just was so miserable he left. He actually said to me "I cannot survive in this".

Looking back, he had checked out so long ago. It has been 3 months since he left. He does not want to go to counseling, he does not ask for us to spend time together, only initiates contact regarding the children, I feel like right now I'm just wasting my time. I feel like those baby steps are just unrealistic. I feel like all he is doing is waiting for me to prove him right so he can be justified in leaving. I feel like he had been building his case for the past year. How long should I continue this.

I am so negative...that was my main issue, and I cant break out of it.

[Rouky]

JulieH,

It has been only 3 months and it is still raw. I fully understand where you are coming from, and in a way you are like me a tad impatient :-).
Please focus on you and your kids, they need their mum. Do you have friends with whom you could go out for a couple of hours, and take your mind of things?

Unfortunately mind is a powerful thing, and if you keep focusing on negative, you'll only see negative things! Change your mind to positive. I promise it will get better.

Sending you positive vibes :-)

[lonelee]

Julie i'm sorry your feeling so low. It is a long road unfortunately. Read sandy's rules again and try to do one or two and see how it goes. I know you feel like your not doing anything to make your sit better but sometimes it is what you don't do that makes the difference. just because he is not coming around or talking much with you doesn't mean he's moving on or planning anything. He is taking the time he needs to figure things out for him self. respect him enough to give him this time.

You have power but you haven't identified it yet. You have the power to change your life, your children's lives and potentially your husband and marriage. If you find your self being negative make it your 180.If you couldn't dress nice before make it a 180 .. or at least anytime theres a chance you'll see H. I remember a time not so long ago that my every thought was consumed with what my H was doing and with whom. It was so exhausting. I can tell you that with time this phase will get easier. Have faith in the DB method. try to remain positive and do what you can to GAL and get thinking about something other than your sit.

Thinking of you..

[TDball]

I am happy for him (all of our ultimate fantasies I'm sure). But I could not help feeling like I was that wife. i did not do the things that she did, But obviously my actions were bad enough tthat my husband feels he could not handle it any more. That I was so bad to him he left. I remember all the times I took my stresses out at him, and criticized him. And I feel like now it is simply too late and the longer he is gone, the less of a chance he has to come back. There is no other woman. He just was so miserable he left. He actually said to me "I cannot survive in this".

Looking back, he had checked out so long ago. It has been 3 months since he left. He does not want to go to counseling, he does not ask for us to spend time together, only initiates contact regarding the children, I feel like right now I'm just wasting my time. I feel like those baby steps are just unrealistic. I feel like all he is doing is waiting for me to prove him right so he can be justified in leaving. I feel like he had been building his case for the past year. How long should I continue this.

I am so negative...that was my main issue, and I cant break out of it.

So don't prove him right!

One thing that has been so interesting to me during this whole miserable journey is how my relationship with my H can seem like it's the worst it could ever be, and then takes a slightly more positive turn. Then goes back down again. One thing I regret is not giving him the space he needed. I would initiate contact just because the silence was too much to bear, which would make me feel better temporarily, but I probably made it much worse.

I feel the same way as you sometimes, that my actions were so bad that he had no choice but to leave. I regret not being nicer, and regret criticizing him. But I have also spent time thinking about why I was stressed out, or what I criticized him about, and that helps remind me that it's not all my fault. While I should have been less critical, I also had needs that weren't being met. I think in any relationship, you could easily switch the leaver and the leavee. If I was the type to give up or run from commitment I could have easily justified leaving, and made him feel that he made me so miserable that I left. But instead he was the one who left, so he gets to convince me that the death of the relationship is all my fault.

[JulieH]

JulieH,

It has been only 3 months and it is still raw. I fully understand where you are coming from, and in a way you are like me a tad impatient :-).
Please focus on you and your kids, they need their mum. Do you have friends with whom you could go out for a couple of hours, and take your mind of things?

Unfortunately mind is a powerful thing, and if you keep focusing on negative, you'll only see negative things! Change your mind to positive. I promise it will get better.

Sending you positive vibes :-)

GAL has been a little difficult. I depend on family to babysit while I work, so to ask for extra help is often a little too much. They are not easy kids to watch. one of my sons, while quick and witty and fun has some sensory issues that a lot of people just don't get. My husband is not committing to set schedule. I tried to push for every other weekend, but a lot of times he will just come Saturday afternoom and drop them off Sunday morning. I am hoping this will get better. If this goes to court there will be set times and schedule so I could make plans, take classes, maybe even work extra. I have this fear he will ask for 50/50 to avoid paying child support and then have his mom take over all the child care (something I am sure she would love). But everyone says this won't happen. He seems to just want them at his own convenience. Work has always come first. Maybe I am vilifying him though and this won't happen.
Truth is, often times when I do get some spare time I end up crawling in my bed depressed and just reading over these forums!

[JulieH]

Lonelee

Thank you again. You have personified my husband and reminded me that this is about him too. He had actually been asking for space for the past year and I would pursue with relationship talks and requests for reassurances. I would even do this when I knew he was consumed with work or after his car broke down etc. (although things like this were constantly happening so there was no other time)

The true 180 for me is to not be negative. This is so challenging to me because it is how I was raised. We worried about everything constantly. And this situation is very hard to handle. Sometimes I can think of some positives when I read a great quote or hear some good advice but I am not consistent. Honestly those good feeling might last an hour, I need to embrace positivity and make it part of me but truly don't know how to do this daily.