I read through the chats and emails with my "boyfriends" and realized with one of them I flirted first. Well, I set up a comment that really lead up to it. And with the other it was all him. And inappropriately so, and I shut him down. I feel a little guilty reading the chat with my ex though, it got a little racey. I would not want my H to read what I wrote, ever. I would love it if I could have an exchange like that with him. Don't beat yourself up over it. You recognized it and shut it down. Learn from this and keep moving forward.
[/b]Thanks Azz. I actually feel "proud" of myself in a weird way- I could never talk sexy like this with my H, there is just no way. I kind of surprised myself and I liked it. Just wish it was H. [b]
As far as our W's and H's feeling this way for a long time prior to BD. I get that. But I also don't "get" how they could have not communicated to us what was happening. Being unhappy is no excuse for walking out, why couldn't my H have picked up the phone and made an appointment with a MC before it got to that point? And sometimes I wonder if his "valid" reasons are real at all or just a smokescreen. The more I try to figure it out the more confused I get. I guess it doesn't matter, what is done is done. I am hoping for a better future. I will never understand why my W thought that cutting and running off with OM was better for her, me, and our family. It's mind boggling that she felt like she could not approach me and have a serious discussion about where she was in her life and which needs were not being met. The "Im still young. Im not going to live this way another 50 years." mindset is understandable, but to have change, you need to embody change yourself. Somehow, they expected us to change, and when we didnt, they decide it hurts less to just run.
In the end, I guess I dont really blame her. She didnt and doesnt have the tools to deal with the feelings and emotions that she was experiencing. She chose to take the easy road. All I can do is see where it leads her.
For you, I think it's the same. To have change in your R, you need to be the embodiment of change. You need to evolve, to grow, to blossom. Keep using your time for good.
[/b]This is the bottom line I think for most of us. The details get us distracted from this basic truth. I am changing. I am trying to use my time for good. I know this experience is going to change my life whatever happens, and I don't want to turn into a bitter, resentful person. [b]
All I know is that for all my faults, of which there were many, I did not deserve this. And at the same time, I still love him. And I am doing my best to keep myself going. No. None of us deserve this. But that doesnt take it away. All there is to do is learn about it, understand what happened, and move forward.
I cannot believe how much pain there still is this far into it. Every day is a struggle. Nobody said this was going to be easy. At least make the pain worth it.
[/b] Yes, I know I am not the only one. I don't know if the pain will be worth it. I do know that I will come out of it a better person. I also know that the longer it takes the stronger I get and the harder it is going to be for H to "catch up" to me. I am going to need more because I am a different person now. [b]
Haven't figured out the how to bold and copy correctly. Maybe that is why H left me. I am sure he'd add it to his long list of reasons. I'm not even kidding.
It's easily remedied the first [b] is always followed by a finish [/.b]. (I put a . in the bracket so you can see) the / is always in the finish bracket. You simply have the brackets back to front!
Copy is easy, put your finger on a big word in the middle of a paragraph you want to copy, when the choice arises use "copy" or "select" a highlight comes up with two tiny handles. Pull the handles to highlight the selection. Click on copy which puts your selection to the clipboard. Go to the place you want to paste, then finger on that spot select paste.
You can use quick quote if it's a whole post you want to copy.
Hope this helps.
It's like DB, learn the simple ways, and correct basic errors and voila results.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 09/30/1511:26 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Went to MC tonight. H was ranting and riled up. Just as angry as ever. When MC finally let me speak I told him that I was preparing to move forward with my life, preparing to be separated because I can not live "stuck" and angry. I said I have been focusing on my life, my kids, building a support system, and preparing for my future while H is stuck in past hurts and shows no signs of moving forward.
H ranted a little more and then the session was over. I think he proved my point. He still sees himself as a victim and does not even notice all of the improvements I have made in response to his complaints. I have changed so much. At this point he is just punishing me.
I am sad. Also relieved, that had to be said. Although I think I said that a couple of weeks ago. But it had to be said again and very clearly. I can't live this way, maybe some space will give him perspective and will give me a chance to be able to relax in my own home. I am in hell. I won't push the issue right now but soon if he doesn't start coming out of this he is going to have to find his own apartment.
Oh, I should also add, that while he was ranting I validated when I could get a word in edge wise. It didn't help. The counselor noticed, and commented on it, but H is just too spun up with anger.
Let him have his anger, let him enjoy it. He has earned it. Remember that every negative thing he says to you the reverse is true. If he says you are mean you are generous, if he says you are ugly, you are beautiful. When he accuses you, he is accusing himself. When he says he is angry with you then he is really angry with himself. It's really uncomfortable for him. Validate and acknowledge. Observe with a smile.
He has been thwarted and doesn't like it. Toys and prams.
The MC is a "safe" place to let it out so he will. Rest it for a while, the next step may be a return to OW, or he may have faced his nemesis in the kids.
He will miss OW and the addiction, he will have a hole in his soul. His hormones will be all over. He sees your shift, his plan to have an MC bring you in line has failed, he may disparage the MC for this too.
Stay steady. You may think validation didn't help although it is the best of the worst options. Better than anger, revenge or roaring with laughter. When my WH behaved like this I saw him as the Disney Cigar Smoking Baby.
You did well, really well.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 10/01/1512:36 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Photoka I cant keep up with you !! Keep your positive attitude. You are a very strong woman and you are worth it! Did I miss it on here, did you get the job you were hoping for?
sending positive thoughts your way
Married 1991 D 23 GD 3 D 21 S 20 M 49 S 48 1st bomb 2008 2nd bomb 4/2015 same person I fear those big words which make us so unhappy.
He has noticed your changes, that's his issue, he didn't want them, he was using them as his excuse for his behaviour, you blew that open. He wants your change and he doesn't. Confusion reigns, and obviously the problem is you. Observe.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 10/01/1512:44 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
