How did you find out about the OM?

[Mowgli]

Was it accidental?

Did she tell you flat out?

Did you suspect something(why?) and follow up?

Was it someone she knew? You knew?

were they local? long distance?

Looking back, were there signs?

[roist]

Is there OM in your situation?

Can you clarify what you want in this, thread?

[WhyUs]

Within about two weeks of her starting the EA I felt like something was wrong. I asked her point blank if she was having an affair. I suspected it because she was acting so different. She was very emotionally disconnected. She was making decisions about our children that were not in line with her beliefs. She was drinking almost every night.

Within 1 month my suspicions were really up. She denied it and told me I was just paranoid. This was after BD. Then at about 1.5 months she confirmed for sure she wanted a divorce. I started doing some snooping and found out she was skyping and using google chat to see another man.

We had a talk and she stayed in the home promising to not speak to him again while living at home. Then, about 3 weeks later I caught her her with a secret phone from Walmart that she was using to text him and send him pictures. I confronted her and that was the last time we stayed in the same house.

During this time she did things like locked her phone and laptop. She changed the password to her email accounts. She was spending lot of time with her friends. She was going out at night and drinking. She would not leave her laptop phone or purse unattended. She locked her car anytime she was not in it. All of these things were very atypical of her.

The relationship was long distance. She met him on a business trip about 1,000 miles away.

[gonegrl]

For me it was OW. My H had been pulling away from me for some time, very stressed about our D's problems. He wasn't handling it well- was acting like he was her victim and not her father- kept saying "D is going to push me to move out", "I can't live with her" . I knew he was falling apart. His email inbox was filled with articles such as "When your teenager bullies you" "when your daughter hates you" . Mine was filled with "How to help your child manage stress" "where to get help for severe teen anxiety." We had a very different perspective on what was happening and he was fighting her (and losing ) and I was trying to find help (which I eventually did but it took a couple of years to find the right treatment and she is so much improved now.) He however remains a "victim." So that was creating a huge rift and stressor.

And then I had dreams that he was with OW. I told him about my dreams and he comforted me, said "what a bad dream, that would never happen." And then he admitted that he had an "attraction" to someone and maybe we needed counseling. I asked him to get into IC first because his depression was getting out of control. He refused. A few weeks later I found a MC while he was on a business trip. I told him I wanted to show him the profile of 2 MC's when he came home, so we could decide between the two. He came home and BD. Told my ILYBINILWY. Denied OW. About 2-3 days later I found the credit card statement and then found a lot of restaurant receipts. I looked at his FB and figured out immediately who she was.

She was a coworker. She "liked" all of his posts and jokes, and was quiet about any comments about his family. She posted pics of herself that, while not really inappropriate, were definitely designed to get attention. Without crossing that line, but definitely a sexy vibe.

Signs that I should have been aware of- he would never put his phone down. He was sleeping on the sofa because of his "bad back" and clinging to his phone all night, texting all night. Texting ALL the time actually. I was so naive. He told me it was all stress about D and also his bad back. I believed him. Working late, socializing after work with the coworkers. He was on a "new" job, a project that he took on for a few months, so with all new coworkers who liked to party and go out, in contrast with his regular crew, who are old married guys who eat lunch at their desks and go home at 5:00. I attributed the changes to just trying to fit in with the new group. Which he was doing, a little too well.

[Mowgli]

roiste,

Not that I am aware, but I'm getting some vibes that are making me lean that way a little. Just trying to see if there are things that people can look back at and say: "yeah, that should've clued me in."

I posted on this specific incident on my other thread.

Her FB usage hasn't increased. She's always on her phone, but always has been, and she places it screen down, which I find bizarre.

Her work travel has bumped up a little, and to the same place, which is different. This next trip for work she's carved out a good block of time where she won't be doing anything. She's staying over night Thursday because of a Friday morning meeting, but won't come home until Saturday morning because she's going out Friday night with some friends in another place, which leaves all of Thursday night and Friday afternoon wide, wide open and she only needs an hour of travel time. Just gets my radar up a little.


I could just be paranoid because I'm feeling insecure, too.

[vise82]

Hey,

As with life mine is complicated because the OM is gay, so it its more of EA with my W?

They met at a paint store while my W was picking up paint for the new house we just bought together. They helped each other pick put colors. eight months later he is doing laps on our street, W recognizes the guy and after his four day of driving up and she manages to talk to him. He is looking at buying the house across the street from us. He continues to drive buy as his offers are negotiated and some how W talks again to him. She glows just talking to him.

At that point its excitement, talk to her friends how hot he is and she should set him up with on of her friends. I think this fantasy started and then when it actually happened that he bought the house I think she took it personally that he bought it to be close to my W. I tried to stop her from visiting him but the rage from her was unlike anything I have saw. They text all day, morning to night. She said he told her he is gay, and I see a boy friend stop by over night at his house once and a while. But it just screams inappropriate all around.

We start counseling because we were having problems before. Counselor suggest going out on dates. On date my W would not stop talking about the OM. Every conversation had a point that could be linked to this guy that she thought needed to be shared. I complained but she said he is like one of her girl friends I have nothing to worry about. If the marriage was fine it would be fine, but it wasn't and the amount she was investing in him far out weighed what she should have been investing in me.