V you are so positive. You are really a good friend.
Another thought I have been having.
I think the way I've been practicing DB is not going to work for me. I am too passive, too afraid, too reactive. I am so scared of "messing up with DB" or scaring H away.
I need to have a little more confidence in myself, a little more backbone. Its not like I am planning on asking him to renew our vows (lol) or declare his love, but I can greet him more warmly when he comes in without feeling like I am pursuing. I can ask for more communication, because I am a human being, without feeling like I am pursuing. The trick for me is, as always, doing it without the emotion. If I can ask for something small without emotion, maybe that will give me the confidence to handle the next thing without emotion. I think I had a good start today with the texting and asking for better communication.
Of course you can demand communication in your roles as co-parent, but I wouldn't expect or demand more than that. That's acting like a W, and he doesn't want that right now.
On the passive, my observation is not that you are passive, but you are still focusing so much of your attention on him. That drains you of your vitality. The job is positive, but you need more activities and networks away from him and the M. Maybe start planning what you want for your life post D. Not that it will happen, but accepting that it is likely and there is no trick you can apply on top of the work you've done is going to help. The focus on how you might redecorate (or move), what you want to do with the extra space, what kind of social life you'd like as a single woman with a chance to stretch and grow socially, what activities or groups interest you? For instance, I'm putting together new dishes, silverware, microwave, cooking implements, stocking the bar over at the apartment. I don't want to sit around any longer waiting for the D before my life gets started. It helps you to realize that there is life after a D, and even if you'd still work hard on the M, you aren't putting your life on hold.
That is good DBing. So stop focusing on how you are interacting with H. Sure, draw boundaries and demand respect, etc. But the cheese is down the tunnel of moving yourself along to a happy life w/ or wo/ him. Which Photoka would be more attractive to him, the one who is focused on your M, or the one who is building a fulfilling life beyond the M? Which P would be happier, the one expending so much energy on your H who gives nothing back or the one exploring what would make her fulfilled w/ her life in the reality that she is alone now & may be for a while?
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Thanks, As, I already chose a new town to move to if we D. It is about half an hour away so not too far, but cost of living is less and if I get this job I can work from home so that works. I would wait a year to let kids finish out the school year. And it is a cute little town, very historical and "small town" feeling. I have a plan. I also have gotten very involved in a new church and H is an agnostic so he has nothing to do with it. Met some nice people last night, including a very nice divorced man who I hit it off well (very innocent conversation!) I might add.
But you are right, most of my energy is directed at him. I know it. But each month that passes more of it is directed at my GAL. I am not yet where I need to be energy-wise. I know that. In my mind though I can't stop thinking that we are going to work this out and be a couple again. I really believe that. With a few instances per week where I think I am kidding myself, and a few instances per week where I think I don't even want that anymore. I guess I am confused.
We all are, as we just don't know. Even a DB coach can't tell you what will happen with your sitch, and they've seen a lot. They'll just tell you ones that seemed to be less hopeful than yours turned around. The way I look at it is just not to think of DBing as trying to save the M any more. I'm doing it because it will help make the R I have w/ my W as healthy as I can post D for all our sakes, and I focus on my life right now and in the possible future wo/ her. The reality is that she isn't a partner right now, doesn't want to be, and until she says and act differently, I'm better off assuming that M is likely done.
It takes some adjustment to just accept that strong possibility and really detach to that next level. We all think we're detached until we discover what the next level feels like, and then we see all the ways we were still trying to tie our Ss & us together. It is a better emotional space and better for the possibilities of DBing.
I'm really glad to hear about your GAL activities. At a certain point, my social circle just started to take off. It took a while, but it comes. You get caught up in your life and H just watches you sail off. Maybe they set off in pursuit after a while of letting that reality set in, maybe they don't. You'll be glad you took this course though.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Thank you As. You are going to be a great therapist. You already are. I feel like my social activities are taking off a little too much, I need to reel them in because I am exhausted and my kids are still pretty needy. I am hoping this job will be the turning point for me. To make my own money, get a new circle of people in my life, feel important. I will definitely be "moving forward" at that time, just due to the reality of having to keep up with work. I have always been the type of person who takes my job very seriously, which is why I left my job to have kids- I throw myself into whatever I do completely. I will have to learn to balance employment with mothering and that will not leave a lot of time left to obsess about H. I don't even have this job yet and I am wondering if I should use my maiden name when I start working and if I should have a separate bank account.
